To be tired of competing

[Blossum123]

I have a younger sister who I love very much .she has just graduated as a solicitor .
Out parents always encouraged competion .i had quite a successful job in their eye for a while but it didn't make me happy .
Me and my husband although liking nice things are happy with I guess a slower pace of living .
They tend to treat me like I'm a bit stupid at times explaining the obvious - it's very irritating. There is a job I fancy applying for but it's a very low level job I'm worried what my family will say and others will think as it appears to be a massive step back .
Little things upset such as when talking about her will my parents said my sister is the executor of will ( despite her living 200 miles away and been younger)
I'm happy with my life but can't help feeling I fall short

Can you think of why they place so much importance on status/achievement rather than happiness? Something in their upbringing perhaps? If you can try and understand why they are like they are, and forgive it, it will help you observe and sympathise with their attitude but at the same time, be less affected by it.

I get what you mean....and you don't have to buy into your parents view of the world. Decide to be happy and stop comparing yourself - we all fall short when we get into the comparing game & it makes us miserable. Most of the happiest people I know have chosen the slower life....& being an executor is bloody hard work - so I'd think poor sister. Do what makes you happy...do you want to look back on life & think I did a good job of jumping through the hoops my parents set or I lived a life that I enjoyed to the very edges. ( & btw your parents are probably living vicariously through you two....)

You cannot live your life for other people.

Ask yourself this;

Will new job make you happy?
If it is lower paid can you afford the drop and still be comfortable?
Is your dh ok with it?

These really are the only considerations!!

I have similar issues with my younger sister because her dh is a surgeon and they have expensive holidays and are able to afford everything new for their upcoming new baby where as dp and I have bought everything second hand or been given it. So I do understand!!

Make you happy and sod everyone else!

It sounds as though they'd be the same regardless of whatever you choose to do, so you may as well do as you please

Don't play the game, shrug and 'oh well' if they start the crap up, be confident that you're the one who knows what will make you happy.

It's not you it's them. That sort of competition is really unpleasant and divisive. I know very high flying people that are happy and some that are exhausted, miserable and unfulfilled. Equally I know some people in less demanding jobs that are very happy and some that are unfulfilled. It is YOUR life not theirs.

I spent time at Christmas with a dear friend who is hugely high flying and well known in his field, as is his wife. They lead a very glamorous life and are very happy. However, they feel sad that they never get to take or pick their son up from school and miss most of his school events due to work. They are happy with this "sacrifice" as they called it but I would not be and have worked less and in a less demanding job because I knew I absolutely did want to be able to do those things. Neither is right or wrong obviously but it just really clearly illustrated to me that we all make different choices and are made happy by different things.

I did fairly well at uni but I just didn't like the faster pace .
My parents are at times jealous of relatives who have more money so I guess it's their issue .
The job I'm applying for is in a corner shop it will fit in with school and only few hours a day - which means I will still be at home a lot - this is important as I suffer anxiety .
It's got now so I'm feeling panicky about people I know seeing me at the job and thinking I'm useless .
My mum told me when I was waiting for my degree results that she didn't care how I did as long as I did better than my cousen who was graduating at the same time .i was petrified to fail.i got a 1st so did do better but it made me quite ill . I lack confidence so don't really want a high powered job .my oh is supportive and wants me to do what ever pleases me - he wouldn't mind if I choose not to work at all , ( which I have at some points ) I guess I just have this fear people will think I'm stupid and a looser

It sounds like you have taken on their stuff & this is where the anxiety started & has turned into over caring about what others think. Concentrate on you & what makes you happy - & do it consciously rather than focussing on what others might think of you.

Blossum take the job in a corner shop it will be great for your anxiety, get you out of the house and stop you dwelling on things - plus you get to chat to people and see that you do matter and that your parents judgement (and that's what it was) is not everything.

You may love your parents, they may have lots of nice things about them, but they have judged you harshly over the years and it's made you feel bad. Would you do that to your children? If no (and I hope not), then I think it's time to ignore their judgements and get on with your life the way you want to- and if you and your husband think this job works for you, go for it!

Goshhhhh I think I have taken on her views - mums the worst not sure how to ditch them tho .
I'm very councious when I'm in public - I over think everything

Blossum take the job in a corner shop it will be great for your anxiety, get you out of the house and stop you dwelling on things - plus you get to chat to people and see that you do matter and that your parents judgement (and that's what it was) is not everything.

You may love your parents, they may have lots of nice things about them, but they have judged you harshly over the years and it's made you feel bad. Would you do that to your children? If no (and I hope not), then I think it's time to ignore their judgements and get on with your life the way you want to- and if you and your husband think this job works for you, go for it!

I need to stop worrying what others tnk but I have almost physical sensations - i feel my face burning look down can't look at people .
I'm not like that with my kids -or anyone else just me !
The reason I thought a shop job is it's the only time I have nice memories of work .in my professional job I was a anxious wreck .

Well meaning acquaintances have commented what a waste b4 when iv sugested such jobs which doesn't help my confidence x

I would also think about doing some relaxation- it really really works. You can buy relaxation CDs off the internet and do them at home with the headphones on. Others speak highly of mindfulness and again you can buy a CD (Williams is one of the authors I think) off Amazon for a tenner. If you do this once or twice a day you will be much more relaxed and you can then get on with living your life the way you want.

Shop jobs are good for anxiety, you may be anxious on day one, but you can't keep up that level of anxiety for any time and soon you will be chatting away to people.

I think you need to get your mum's critical voice out of your head and replace it with your own voice, plus work on making that voice calmer and more positive, at the moment you are talking negatively to yourself all day long and it is no wonder you feel bad.

Ur right - I'm going to really try with these suggestions I know these thoughts fuel my anxiety x

The meditation is a good idea. Also it's correct that you can't change your parents' attitude and behaviours, but what you can do is change your reaction to them. It might be useful to write a list of what you believe are the most important things in life, your morals, your goals. Writing these down can be a good reminder when you start worrying about what others think, if you live true to your morals and aspirations then that in itself will help improve your self esteem. Also, when you catch the negative voice in your head, practice answering it with a positive - as you would if your best friend said the negative about herself...be your own best friend in your head .

Blossum, I really urge you to go on and take the job that you feel comfortable doing. One of my children spent years working in a highly stressful banking job in the city. They had a break down as a result of the pressure and it took a long time to get back on his feet. He's now working in a local retail job and has never been happier or more settled. It's your life, and you have to live it your way.

www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-practical-guide-finding-frantic/dp/074995308X

Someone on another thread recommended this one. I used a free CD for years I got with the Daily Mail!

It's the act of sitting down twice a day and calming yourself down. It is a pain, some days I don't do it, but it helps enormously with anxiety and that running commentary in your head.

You can pay for courses but I've always found self-help things cheap and they work for me at least.

Blossum, I really urge you to go on and take the job that you feel comfortable doing. One of my children spent years working in a highly stressful banking job in the city. They had a break down as a result of the pressure and it took a long time to get back on his feet. He's now working in a local retail job and has never been happier or more settled. It's your life, and you have to live it your way.

I believe a lot of my previous illness has been due to the stress .i just feel guilty I wasted all that time with a degree x

The meditation is a good idea. Also it's correct that you can't change your parents' attitude and behaviours, but what you can do is change your reaction to them. It might be useful to write a list of what you believe are the most important things in life, your morals, your goals. Writing these down can be a good reminder when you start worrying about what others think, if you live true to your morals and aspirations then that in itself will help improve your self esteem. Also, when you catch the negative voice in your head, practice answering it with a positive - as you would if your best friend said the negative about herself...be your own best friend in your head .

The things that are important to me are
Been there for my family
My health
And enjoying my life
I know these things were compromised by previous employment .
I went in today and the shifts they've given me are great - start in 2 weeks .just nervous others will say iv wasted my time with my degree why am I back doing this work - if that makes sense x

Life is too short to keep trying to meet parents' unrealistic expectations. A friend once asked me to imagine how I would live my life had my parents passed away. It was an eye opener.

It really doesn't matter what other people's opinions are on how you live your life. Your degree wasn't a waste of time, it's part of your life experience that made you who you are today, whether you enjoyed it or the job that followed or not. It all taught you what wasn't right for you so it had value . It makes no difference to anyone else what you do, if they have a view they should be polite enough to keep it to themselves, comfort yourself with the fact that people who judge others, whether about their job, wealth, or body, are typically judging themselves as harshly, it can't be a particularly happy way to live. Focus on what works for you.

It's your life, live it your way. But I will caveat that...you say the corner shop job would be perceived as a massive step back. Do you mean from a current job or are you not working at the moment? If you mean it would be a step back from your current job then I would question whether the timing was coincidental with your sister just qualified as a solicitor i.e. a statement from you that you are taking yourself entirely out of any competition with your sister?

If this is the case, I would urge you to take your time and not make any decisions just yet.

If however you are not working at all, then yes, go for it.

Blindly shining - I have been offered a better paid accounts job but am choosing to take lower paid one - do u think this is wrong choice?

It really doesn't matter what other people's opinions are on how you live your life. Your degree wasn't a waste of time, it's part of your life experience that made you who you are today, whether you enjoyed it or the job that followed or not. It all taught you what wasn't right for you so it had value . It makes no difference to anyone else what you do, if they have a view they should be polite enough to keep it to themselves, comfort yourself with the fact that people who judge others, whether about their job, wealth, or body, are typically judging themselves as harshly, it can't be a particularly happy way to live. Focus on what works for you.

I thoroughly enjoyed my degree but dislike the high powered end of work .i so agree with what u are saying and wish I had the courage to act as u say - I hope I can become like that -a friend was extremely critical when I told her what I was doing and asked why would I take on a shop job

Erm, I think the timing of your decision is very coincidental - almost like a deliberate attempt to step out of any perception of competition. Which I think would be the wrong basis on which to make a life changing decision.

If you really want the shop job, that's your decision and no-one else's. But if you're taking it as a self-sabotage method, then no, I don't think it's a good idea.

I'm a bit confused why it would be seen as self sabotage ? Geninuly as others seen to think it's a crazy idea zx