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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting presents

59 replies

MizLizLemon · 13/06/2014 19:03

I married my DH six years ago, we had a very small wedding, just us and a couple of witnesses. It was what we wanted at the time, I'd just had DD and money was a bit tight. Now things are different and I really like the idea of having a vow renewal and inviting 30-40 friends and family, basically the wedding we didn't have first time around.

A friend of mine has offered to help with the planning and when I told her that I was going to put "no presents please" on the invites she was horrified. The thing is we're not a young couple setting up home who need lots of household things, we have what we need, and we live in a small flat so don't have space for any more knickknack type things either, but I know if people gave us that kind of thing I wouldn't have the heart to get rid if it.

My friend thinks that people will want to give presents, and even if I put no presents they'll bring them anyway, so I should ask for vouchers, which I'm really not sure about. I know that grabby bridezilla bashing is a bit of a theme on MN, but my friend got me wondering if there was another side to this and that people would get offended if they were told not to buy presents, and wonder if it is ever appropriate to ask for vouchers.

OP posts:

Laquitar · 13/06/2014 22:41

I would not give money if it is not wedding and i wouldnt like to be asked for vouchers tbh. Sorry.

I would get you a bottle of champagne.

Famzilla · 13/06/2014 22:48

I would not even consider bringing presents to a vow renewal so your friend just seems strange to me. Then again,

I lost a lot of respect for a friend who invited me to her evening wedding reception and included a vulgar request for cash. Slipped in separately from the actual invitation, just in case anyone thought it was for day guests only. They had been together for years, had kids and their own home. Just not the done thing IMO.

BrianTheMole · 13/06/2014 22:53

No presents please is fine. We did that for our wedding. Some family members didn't want that so they shoved money in a card. The rest did no presents. Can't see why you would have presents to renew your vows anyway though. I'm sure thats not the norm.

Bearbehind · 13/06/2014 23:02

Are you sure this is your 'friend's' opinion?

Someone I work with had a similar situation whereby a 'friend' of the bride told her it was absolutely fine to charge people £15 a head to attend her private hen do at the local golf club.

Funnily enough, no one ever found out who the 'friend' was.

People won't automatically bring a present to a vow renewal and if they do it's likely to be a token gesture so no need to worry about space.

SuchSweetSorrow · 13/06/2014 23:05

I would take a present to a vow renewal- I would take something to a birthday or anniversary party so I don't see why I wouldn't think to

have a great day OP- I think it's a lovely, romantic thing to do

noneofyours · 13/06/2014 23:13

I wouldn't put anything. If people choose to and want to then they will ask you. I would give a present but just asked DH and he said no he wouldn't even know what would be an appropriate card for a renewal-he'd take a bottle of wine.

Bearbehind · 13/06/2014 23:17

I wouldn't go empty handed but I'd only take a bottle (possibly champagne), not anything equivalent to a wedding present.

The guests will all know you don't need a set of bath towels and a toaster and will have no intention of buying you those.

TwinkleTwinkleStarlight · 13/06/2014 23:26

I have been to a couple of renewals and not taken presents to either, just a nice bottle of wine. As did most other guests.

As others have said it is different to a wedding and I thnk itvwould be strange to ask for presents.

Staywithme · 13/06/2014 23:35

You could put a simple 'no presents please' on your invites. We did, but some people still brought some really thoughtful presents, some brought wine and some gave donations to a charity dear to our hearts. However I didnt want to use the term 'renewal' as, to me, it implies that there has been a problem within the marriage. We used the term 'reaffirmation' on the invites. I hope you have a wonderful day OP. I know I will never forget ours.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/06/2014 23:40

We've said no presents please but if you want to then you can donate to a specific charity (our choice, one that's helped us) or bring us a bottle of wine to enjoy when we get back from our honeymoon. Seems most are doing both so I do wish I'd organised the charitable giving a bit better. Looking forward to all that wine when we get back though!

YouAreCompletelyRight · 13/06/2014 23:41

Say no presents and if they really want to give you something, their favourite picture from your do. You could have a wall in your house dedicated to framed pics of your day.

Bearbehind · 13/06/2014 23:43

But lady yours is a wedding not a 'renewal'.

It is pretty grabby to think that after just 6 years people will want to buy gifts to the equivalent of a wedding gift when it's quite likely they gave something the first time round (even if they didn't attend the original wedding)

Staywithme · 13/06/2014 23:48

Bearbehind, the OP has already said she's putting no presents please on her invites so I don't see that anyone is being grabby. Quite the opposite actually.

BackforGood · 13/06/2014 23:54

Don't understand the MN obsession with champagne - I don't like the stuff and am amazed how often people say they'd 'just get you a bottle of champagne'.

No-one's being grabby here, but I suspect the people the OP is inviting will be close family and close friends, who will all understand that they didn't really have a traditional wedding when they got married, and would probably therefore like to bring a gift - this isn't the same as a couple who did have a wedding full of guests originally.

I think that when people say 'no presents' - however much it is really meant by the host(s), people I know in RL still like to bring something, so it has worked quite well with a few parties I've been to for various things where people have suggested a charity close to their hearts if people want to make a donation instead - win win. No-one has to go shopping, host doesn't end up with loads of presents they don't want, guests still feel they've not arrived empty handed.

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/06/2014 07:54

You are celebrating your happy marriage, not a wedding, and I think it is a lovely idea; I also think you are absolutely right to say no presents, how refreshingly unselfish.

Only1scoop · 14/06/2014 07:58

I think it's fine to put

'no gifts please ....as we have all we need. Just want you all to join our day. Thanks.

Simple.

I'd possibly bring a bottle of fizz but I wouldn't question it at all.

alemci · 14/06/2014 08:39

No presents just your presence is always a lovely way to word it.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 14/06/2014 08:48

Which of you had the affair?

allisgood1 · 14/06/2014 08:50

I wouldn't put anything. I also wouldn't give a gift at a vow renewal ceremony anyway, possibly just a bottle of sparkling or something

WhatYouThink · 14/06/2014 08:57

I would consider putting 'no presents' and invite people who would like to send a gift to consider a donation to either XXX/YYY charity instead?

AgentDiNozzo · 14/06/2014 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kettricken · 14/06/2014 09:03

I'd be delighted to receive an invitation that said no presents please! My in laws did this for their 40th wedding anniversary party and people did stick to it.

Christelle2207 · 14/06/2014 09:20

My bff said no presents please though this was a wedding not a vow renewal. She asked for donations to a charity, which had helped a sick family member, instead. A nice touch, though many bought presents anyway! In your case I think a vow renewal could be seen by some as a bit grabby but saying no presents/gifts please cancels this out.

Original poster

MizLizLemon · 14/06/2014 09:23

Thanks for all the responses, I felt that not asking for presents was fine, but my friend suddenly got me thinking that this might be the wrong thing to do. And she is a friend, not a "friend". She's the sort of person who puts a lot of time and effort into getting presents for people, I don't mean spending lots of money, just making sure the gift is really thoughtful. I suspect she couldn't imagine going to this kind of event without taking a present so she thinks other people would want to as well.

No one had an affair. Now we can afford a wedding we want to have one where we can invite all our friends and family, but as we're already married it needs to be a renewal. I forgot about vow affirmations, I like that and might make it that instead.

No, we didn't get presents first time around, I think the only thing we got was an M&S vase from one of my grandmother's neighbours. DD was ten weeks old, people had already bought things for her, I would have neither wanted or expected people to buy wedding presents.

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 14/06/2014 09:38

the OP has already said she's putting no presents please on her invites so I don't see that anyone is being grabby. Quite the opposite actually.

Er- the whole point of the thread was that the OP was going to put no presents please but is now considering asking for vouchers

Asking for vouchers would be grabby.

Those people who want to get the couple something will do so even if the invite says no presents.

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