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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit offended at this comment from a friend?

34 replies

saltpotlady · 13/06/2014 13:19

Before I start, I'll just add that my friend has form for making supposedly ditsy comments. They often have a bit of a sting in them but she makes out that she doesn't realise she was being rude. I used to think it was just how she was, but I think that her comments are more and more intentional now.

A group of us went out for dinner last night. I have just started running a couple of times a week. Not to lose weight, as I am a size 8-10 and already go to the gym regularly, but because I wanted to try something a bit different and to exercise outside in the nicer weather.

So, friend says to me, in front of about 6 others "How is your running going, saltpot?" and I replied "It's going well, I'm really enjoying it". Friend then said "Well make sure you stick at it, it'll help you to lose weight".

I didn't know what to say so I just changed the subject, but actually reflecting on it I am actually quite offended. She has made several barbed comments recently about how I look, and about clothes that I wear, but this was even ruder than normal.

AIBU to be offended??

OP posts:

dexter73 · 13/06/2014 13:21

You should have said ' Perhaps you should join me then'. Yanbu it was rude. Is she a bit jealous of you and how you look?

areyoubeingserviced · 13/06/2014 13:24

Don't waste your time being offended OP
She wants you to be offended.
Ignore , ignore and continue to ignore
She is just jealous. Simple.

Original poster

saltpotlady · 13/06/2014 13:24

I think she is a little jealous, dexter, yes.

She always has to comment on what I'm wearing, but it's always in a patronising "Wooo, look at you" type of way, as if I normally go around in bin bags and am wearing clothes for once

OP posts:

MagpieMama · 13/06/2014 13:25

I'd be offended too. Is she maybe projecting her own issues onto you? Or throwing insults to make herself feel better? Either way, you shouldn't have to put up with it. Start calling her on it or she'll only get worse by the sound of it.

PoirotsMoustache · 13/06/2014 13:25

I would say it's definitely jealousy and YANBU to be offended.

I find myself feeling jealous of those around me who exercise, because I don't do it and know I should. I'm sure if I let it, my completely irrational jealousy would cause me to make spiteful little digs. Luckily, I'm nice

CarmineRose1978 · 13/06/2014 13:25

How rude! I would have been annoyed and also too takne aback to say anything. dexter's reply is perfect...

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 13/06/2014 13:26

Urgh people like this piss me off! Just do an exhasperated eye roll every time she jellyfishes you.

ShineSmile · 13/06/2014 13:27

Yanbu, very very rude. She doesn't sound like a friend at all.

HecatePropylaea · 13/06/2014 13:27

Tell her that she is being rude and her comments upset you.

If she really doesn't mean to be, she will be upset that she is coming across badly and want to change, and if she is intending to be spiteful, she is not going unchallenged.

Original poster

saltpotlady · 13/06/2014 13:28

She has a reputation for being 'lovely but ditsy' amongst friends. They all seem to think her ditsiness is cute and endearing....

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 13/06/2014 13:30

'They all seem to think her ditsiness is cute and endearing....'

I think it sounds ick and really quite nasty. She sounds hugely jealous of you OP.

Just by the by, some people absolutely cannot get their heads around the idea of exercising for any reason other than weight loss. I run too, to manage my depression and to feel better about myself, but people cannot stop with the weight loss comments. It's extremely wearing. It sounds like you have much bigger issues with this 'friend' but just wanted to empathise!

dexter73 · 13/06/2014 13:31

Ditsiness is fucking irritating in grown women, not cute or endearing!

DoItTooJulia · 13/06/2014 13:31

You need the old adage....did you mean to be so rude?

Repeat as needed. She will get the message.

QueenofallIsee · 13/06/2014 13:34

Anyone who prides themselves on being something as vomit inducing as 'ditsy' has no business in your friendship circle saltpot..you are cool and awesome and can do better!

HecatePropylaea · 13/06/2014 13:35

I know the type of 'ditsyness' you describe. It is a very aggressive type of behaviour. I find it sly and manipulative and very calculated. Oh silly me tee hee what AM I like oh you can't be cross at likkle me I is ever so cutey wooty and whoopsie did I really say that giggle giggle bat of eyelashes

Meanwhile, behind you, the knife has been dipped in poison and is sliding between your shoulder blades.

tobysmum77 · 13/06/2014 13:36

yanbu its the kind of thing that my mil would say. I really hate the 'thinner the better' brigade.

sezamcgregor · 13/06/2014 13:37

I also think that she was deflecting jealousy.

I think that if it came up again, I was say "Fat? I was going to ask if I could have a bit of yours to even it out a bit!"

Cheeky mare.

Original poster

saltpotlady · 13/06/2014 13:42

She seems to have a knack of making me feel like I'm not quite good enough. Not quite sure how she does it but I always feel that she's judging me all the time.

OP posts:

sezamcgregor · 13/06/2014 13:43

I also may opt for a response such as - "lose weight? If I get any thinner, you'll be sending out a search party every time I turn sideways!"

Blindlyshining · 13/06/2014 13:43

Yes she was being a bitch.

I had a friend like this that we all made allowances for because that was just the way she was. It took years to realise that no, she wasn't just well meaning but clumsy with words and that she was a bitch who tried to pull her friends down to make herself feel better.

It got to the point where none of us could mention promotions, going anywhere, buying anything without waiting for the inevitable double edged compliment.

Blindlyshining · 13/06/2014 13:43

And yes, OP, you're right, it feels like constant judging.

Dubjackeen · 13/06/2014 13:44

She has a reputation for being 'lovely but ditsy' amongst friends. They all seem to think her ditsiness is cute and endearing....

Or they will do, until one day her barbed little comments hit home with one of them. Don't be offended, she is not a friend, and if you can, start to pull away a bit from her company.
The problem with you saying something in return will be, I predict, the 'I was only joking, you're very touchy' type of thing.
I worked with someone like that, I was the main target of her oh-so-funny comments. Some time after I left, she picked on the wrong target and suddenly the others didn't find her so funny anymore.

Original poster

saltpotlady · 13/06/2014 13:45

Ah yes, lots of double edged compliments from her. Things such as "that dress is really nice considering it's Primark" or "You look very nice today, it's nice to see you've made an effort".

OP posts:

LogicalPreference · 13/06/2014 13:47

You need the old adage....did you mean to be so rude?

Please don't ever say that to her, it's the worst comeback ever invented. Chances are she meant to be rude.

If she's a bigger size than you then it's all down to jealousy.

HenI5 · 13/06/2014 13:47

I would have made long eye contact and asked "oh, do you think I need to lose weight then?" Leave her 'ditsy' (she sounds anything but) floundering.
If she came back with "of course not" you could have responded "well, that's a very odd thing to say then. Lucky I'm not sensitive" possibly throw in a head tilt for good measure as well.

It sounds like noone knows how to deal with her barbed comments.

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