Does anyone ever think they themselves are the "toxic" one?

[ClockWatchingLady]

Just wondering. This is not about any particular thread, by the way, just a general question.

I always think it's quite possible that two family members, who each considered the other "toxic", could independently post on MN from their own perspectives, and have the world agree that the other person is the source of the problem.

Well, I do piss a lot of people off. Boss has had 2 or 3 complain about me over the years. I refuse to ask about their family/dying mother/sick cat, my emails are abrupt and I am just plain rude/odd.

Well, I don't know about their family issues, I don't start my emails (or internal phone calls) with pfaffing about the weekend, the weather etc. I am doing a job, I'd like to do it well. I really don't like seeing colleagues spend oodles of time on fb, Amazon, or just vaguely trawling the net during work time, but I don't say or do anything, I just work! It's what I am paid for.

I hope I am not toxic, I suspect not as my extremely, unctuously, toxic SIL can still get to me. Though I do think she may always have mistaken my not understanding why The Joneses need keeping up with with my being snobby and superior. So she may think I am toxic!

I often think that I must be toxic. I really think it must be me. My family all think it and have cut me off due to me accusing them of being toxic and of my mother of being a narcissist! They decided I was trying to lay all my problems on them because I was in a difficult financial situation. In reality I had started therapy for panic attacks and we went into my childhood and family dynamics and I realised how 'abnormal' it was. It was a complete shock to me and hit me like a ton of bricks.

It is really difficult and I think I must be crazy half the time. I am quite isolated socially (due to v.low self esteem) so don't have any friends to be toxic to but I know that in my dealings with other people I am thought as a pleasant person (I overheard someone calling me a 'lovely woman' recently). I shout at my DC and feel like shit afterwards so I suppose I can't be all that bad!

On thing I do know is that if I knew my DD or one of my sisters was having a major operation which could be life threatening and was a mother of 4DC, I would call to check she had survived it and if she needed any help afterwards (I would do more than that obviously). I think I have been validated that none of my family did even that .

Me! I've been toxic.

After meeting my lovely dp I had a real light bulb moment where I realised I was bulling him. Left over baggage from previous ex arseholes.

I was really ashamed and changed and still do have to check my behaviour sometimes.

Really agree with the OP on some posts. Others, the details themselves make you think that something strange and destructive is going on.

Decided when I first found MN that it would be really, really interesting to hear the other side sometimes and I bet it'd modify how you post if you reply to a thread. But pragmatically, all we can go on is what the poster writes and respond as if things really are as they write them.

Beyond that tiggytape's post on the first page, I reckon there's a lot in that.

I know Im no angel in my marriage I am trying hard to do better.

Some relationships are 'toxic', often for both parties. Behaviour and dynamics...

Seems odd to think of a person as 'toxic'. I appreciate that some people do have disordered personalities (and there are some truly horrific stories on these boards), but I think terms like NPD etc are used a bit too freely.

Maybe stating that an individual is toxic is unfair. It is more likely that certain relationship dynamics are toxic rather than making it too personal.

Imbroglio ... What you said basically!

The way I tend to think of it is that a person is toxic for me, rather than generally (which may be narcisstic, but is actually a defense strategy). So, my mum has behaved appallingly to me but dsis is the favourite, the dynamic of their relationship is different, mum is not toxic to dsis.

I also agree with the poster who said (sorry on phone, not sure who) that if you met another person like the toxic one, the outcome would be the same. This is what happened with my marriage, the patterns of behaviour were like my mum, and I was like the child seeking approval. Sorry, that sounds weird, but the dynamics were the same. But obviously, I cannot use my experience (he is toxic to me) to judge his relationship with dc, or his colleagues or his own family.

Which I think means that I agree about the relationships being toxic to me, but not the people being toxic anyway. It is funny, I did finally snap and call my xH out on bullying me several weeks ago. The response has been silence (so far).

I think also I tend to write me, me, me posts because I am still processing everything and I don't want to bore my RL friends too much! But this thread will prompt me to try and move on from that. It is an interesting point.