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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so stressed about DD's birthday

36 replies

CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 10:04

It's DD's birthday next week so we've got various family members coming over the weekend (not staying thank God) and on Monday.

I really want her to enjoy her birthday but I'm getting so stressed about the whole thing - catering for my fussy family, trying to get the house respectable and the constant flapping and nitpicking of various family members over trivial things. Plus in the background the knowledge that DH can't stand DM and will make that more than obvious while they are here. Which also means I can't moan to him about how much she winds me up because it only adds fuel to his fire .

On top of all this I've recently started a stressful new job, I really should be working on Monday but have had to take the day off because everyone wants to be here on or near her birthday, so I won't be feeling very relaxed - in fact I feel a bit resentful.

I get that people want to see DD around this time, everyone means well and is very generous to her. I really want her to have a lovely birthday but it all feels so stressful and I'm dreading it. How the hell do I remain calm and get some perspective about a normal family event without resorting to copious amounts of gin?

OP posts:
tethersend · 13/06/2014 10:07

How old is she?

Gin is an important part of birthday parties here Wink

CanaryYellow · 13/06/2014 10:09

Crikey - is it her 21st or something?

What do you mean about catering for family? Won't a cup of tea and a slice of cake do?

StanleyLambchop · 13/06/2014 10:10

Do the gin. Seriously, birthday parties are run on gin, aren't they?

Floggingmolly · 13/06/2014 10:14

How old is she? It does sound like an inordinate amount of fuss... Confused. What's different about family visiting on her birthday, and family visiting any other time?

Finola1step · 13/06/2014 10:15

Go for the gin.

How old is she?

Valsoldknickers · 13/06/2014 10:27

Big pot of something to feed the masses (if you must) like curry and rice. Bung a pizza in the oven and have treats and cake for the kids.

If you have a stairgate, close it so no one wanders upstairs (as long as you have a downstairs toilet) accidentally on purpose for a nose. Bung any crap out of the way to make home look tidier than it is. A clean bathroom and kitchen surfaces gets you away with murder. Sweep floor and make sure the TV is dust free. Nothing else will be noticed or really matters.

For your Dd's sake the adults should behave and don't be afraid to say so if something starts up.

Plaster a smile on your face, have a g&t and enjoy!

I am with you on being nervous and stressed when people are coming over but it has more to do with the silly high standards I set for myself rather than my family's expectations!

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 10:46

She'll be 12 but is the only grandchild on one side and one of only a few on the other.

My family like to 'do' birthdays regardless of whether it's a 'special' one or not. Unfortunately that doesn't mix well with divorced parents who can't be in the same room and remain civil (meaning 2 separate get-togethers), a DH who hates fuss and makes it obvious and a DM who creates fuss at every opportunity.

I just hate being stuck in the middle of it all and DD is now old enough to pick up on the tensions. Think it's going to have to be the gin (for me not her!)

OP posts:
MissLurkalot · 13/06/2014 10:51

I'm surprised at the age of your dd... Who is this party for? Her or your/oh's extended family?
No wonder you're stressed!
I think you need to go with it for this time as it's all arranged, but I think next year, it has to change. Let your dd decide what she wants to do... And you and oh are going to have to let the family know what is going to happen.
I think you need to take some control back to be honest.

MissLurkalot · 13/06/2014 10:52

You remain calm but knowing that this is the last party like this until her 18th!

MargotLovedTom · 13/06/2014 10:54

Bugger that.

I would claim an unforeseen situation at work cropping up meaning you can't take the Monday off. Your dd will be at school anyway won't she? Then I'd go for a pizza or similar with whoever was due to come on the Monday.

Your dad's side can come over the weekend for tea and cake.

It's not fair to have your dd picking up tension on her birthday. Just dial it down a notch by not catering for everyone and enjoy your dd's day with her.

MargotLovedTom · 13/06/2014 10:56

Obviously you don't have to go to work if you've booked the day off. You can claim you got away early to meet dd after school.

Swoosg · 13/06/2014 10:57

I thought you were going to say she was one! And was all ready to reassure you it gets better as they get older!!!! Margot makes sense.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 11:18

I know, it's bloody ridiculous! Trouble is nobody lives very near so they all have to come for a day or it's not worth it. We tie in seeing my DF with Father's Day but then have to do it all again for DM. There are many aspects of my relationship with my family, especially DM, that I'd like to change and this is just the tip of the iceberg tbh

OP posts:
steppemum · 13/06/2014 11:25

WHAT! my kids get to choose their celebration, when younger it was a party, now it is laserquest with a few friends and McD.

My parents live close and kids are close so they pop over for tea and cake on or around the day, and to give dcs pressie.

I would not be hosting multiple gatherings of stroppy relatives.

Time to plan for a change in 2015...

(passes the gin)

popcornpaws · 13/06/2014 11:30

Ask your dd what she would like to do on her birthday and let all the family know thats what will be happening.
If they don't like it, tough.
Its her day, don't spoil it by pandering to others.

StanleyLambchop · 13/06/2014 11:37

I second putting all the clutter upstairs in one room and shut/lock the door (we use our bedroom, as kids often like to take other kids to show them their room. )
Give main surfaces a dust. I use balloons, banners, various party decorations to cover anything else deemed not up to family's standards. Keep the catering simple- 12 year olds like pizzas? Do that and then just say 'It was DD's choice of food'. Get the adults on the alcohol asap so that they are more relaxed. Then have a good slurp yourself and chill out!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 13/06/2014 11:43

Rather you than me - seriously - multiple gatherings for multiple relatives to celebrate a 12 yr old's birthday? Does she enjoy the fuss at least?

What popcornpaws said. If they can't be civil for an hour or two of cake and tea in front of your child, then that's pretty off and you shouldn't enable it.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 12:19

I'm not sure if DD does enjoy it tbh - of course she likes seeing everyone and the presents but I'm sure she would be just as happy with something more low-key. I just don't know how to manage it with 3 sets of family (2 of mine plus ILs) and limited time! What do other people do about GPs seeing kids on their birthdays?

OP posts:
EatDessertFirst · 13/06/2014 12:31

DD and DS birthday are a week apart so we have their family gathering thingy on the Saturday in the middle. Nothing major, just nibbles and cake. My parents are divorced and my Dad remarried the woman he cheated on DM with so things can be a bit frosty. But, I insist to them both that they will have to suck it up and be civil or they are not invited next time.

If adults can't behave for a few hours for the sake of your DD, then I wouldn't bother. Let your DD choose what she wants to do. Spend the money you would on catering to your fussy relatives on a day out or weekend away somewhere. It is HER birthday after all.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 13:12

Thanks for all the gin Grin

I wish I could get them all in one place but last time DF and DM were in the vicinity of each other DF literally (and I hate that word but in this case it's accurate) blanked her - just stood there having a conversation with me and totally ignoring her while his GF and my SD looked on awkwardly. I don't want that happening again.

OP posts:
MsVenus · 13/06/2014 13:29

Depending on if the weather holds up, a bbq could be the answer. Your dh in charge of the bbq, your df in charge of drinks & your mother in charge of pudding. So the 3 people who dont get on have a job to do & wont have time to moan. Invite a few friends along to dilute the family concentration & people should hopefully be better behaved.

Good luck

MehsMum · 13/06/2014 13:38

Would you like tonic and lemon? Ice? Or is having neat the way to go?

Seriously, it's her birthday, not theirs. Warn your family things may change, and ask her what she would like to do next year.

MehsMum · 13/06/2014 13:38

...having IT neat.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 14:36

I will be slugging it neat from the bottle with a side order of JD by this time tomorrow if not before so a non-previewed post is the least of my worries :)

OP posts:
MissLurkalot · 14/06/2014 21:13

How's it going OP?? x