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Original poster

To be so stressed about DD's birthday

36 replies

CambridgeBlue · 13/06/2014 10:04

It's DD's birthday next week so we've got various family members coming over the weekend (not staying thank God) and on Monday.

I really want her to enjoy her birthday but I'm getting so stressed about the whole thing - catering for my fussy family, trying to get the house respectable and the constant flapping and nitpicking of various family members over trivial things. Plus in the background the knowledge that DH can't stand DM and will make that more than obvious while they are here. Which also means I can't moan to him about how much she winds me up because it only adds fuel to his fire .

On top of all this I've recently started a stressful new job, I really should be working on Monday but have had to take the day off because everyone wants to be here on or near her birthday, so I won't be feeling very relaxed - in fact I feel a bit resentful.

I get that people want to see DD around this time, everyone means well and is very generous to her. I really want her to have a lovely birthday but it all feels so stressful and I'm dreading it. How the hell do I remain calm and get some perspective about a normal family event without resorting to copious amounts of gin?

OP posts:
Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 14/06/2014 22:54

Good day today, her party with friends was great. Family descending tomorrow (the less awkward ones) then just Monday with the trickier ones to get out of the way and that will be it for another year thank God.

Did have a bit of a chat with DH about it today and tried to make him see that while I understand DM winds him up it would make things easier for me if he didn't show it quite so much. Also talked about how to stop these occasions getting so out of hand although I don't relish passing the news that we want to make things a bit less stressful/more low key on to the rest of the family.

Thanks for thinking of me :)

OP posts:
MissLurkalot · 15/06/2014 07:52

That's good, glad it went well and dd had a good time.

I read your post over again and the phrase 'everyone wants' keeps on jumping out for me...

She's your and dh's daughter first and everyone else's second. I think you need to remember that.
I think it's a shame that not only you, but dh have to suffer with the stress of this. I think it's quite acceptable for you to take some control back and do something smaller next year.

How about a compromise of going out for lunch somewhere? Why should it all be on you to host these demanding family members. Why don't they treat dd for lunch out somewhere?? At least that will take the pressure of you and your dh.

'Everyone wants...'

How about you and your dh? Where do you fit into that? She's yours first, there's second, but you're letting them take over every year.

I just think it's a real shame that neither you or dh and possibly dd don't look forward to the festivities. All that effort and you don't look forward to it.

MissLurkalot · 15/06/2014 07:56

That's good, glad it went well and dd had a good time.

I read your post over again and the phrase 'everyone wants' keeps on jumping out for me...

She's your and dh's daughter first and everyone else's second. I think you need to remember that.
I think it's a shame that not only you, but dh have to suffer with the stress of this. I think it's quite acceptable for you to take some control back and do something smaller next year.

How about a compromise of going out for lunch somewhere? Why should it all be on you to host these demanding family members. Why don't they treat dd for lunch out somewhere?? At least that will take the pressure of you and your dh.

'Everyone wants...'

How about you and your dh? Where do you fit into that? She's yours first, there's second, but you're letting them take over every year.

I just think it's a real shame that neither you or dh and possibly dd don't look forward to the festivities. All that effort and you don't look forward to it.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 15/06/2014 08:12

You're absolutely right. My family background is complicated (death, DV, divorce) so for lots of reasons I find it quite hard to say no to people. But I don't want to feel this stressed again so I'm just going to have to find a way of putting my point across pleasantly but firmly. I know everyone especially DM will try and make out I am being influenced by DH but it's really not that - true he is less sociable than I am but until yesterday he had no idea how I felt about DD's birthday.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 15/06/2014 08:16

The thing that stood out for me is that your DH hates your DM and will be rude to her.

Is he 18?

Tell him not to be so fucking ignorant and be polite and respectful of a guest in his own home.

twentyten · 15/06/2014 08:20

Op sounds like you are making big steps. Well done. What matters in all this is your dd and you and your dp.
You can change this- these events bring everything to the surface. Good luck and more ginWine

NewNameForSpring · 15/06/2014 10:11

It might also be useful to ask DD how she would like to celebrate her birthday and then go from there. Sometimes traditions have to be changed.

Good luck for today and tomorrow anyway Smile

ilovesooty · 15/06/2014 10:36

By next year I'm sure your daughter will have her own ideas about how to celebrate her birthday. I think it would be reasonable to decide right now that this is never happening again
And for her 18th there'll be an outside venue and people can take responsibility for their own behaviour.

greenfolder · 15/06/2014 10:43

next year, turning into a teenager is an excellent reason not to do this ever again. have a sharp word with dh about his behaviour- surely your dd notices this.

next year, you, dh and dd go out somewhere for a treat

brotherhoodofspam · 15/06/2014 10:49

The part about your DM and DH sounds horribly familiar. I usually find myself getting completely wound up about DCs birthdays partly because of this. Last yr both GMs fell out with each other as well. This yr we went to Alton towers at DDs request (11th birthday) just me, DH, DD and DS and the whole trip was so relaxed and stress free without any relatives and family dynamics to pander to. I would definitely recommend something like that for next year.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 15/06/2014 22:36

The relationship between DH and DM is awkward but to be fair he's not openly rude to her, just refuses to be organised and do things her way which very few people seem to do. He's just not someone who can put on a front whereas I am always pleasant and friendly to his parents even though I'm not overly keen on them. I think it just depends if you're that kind of person or not. I wish he was as it'd be easier for me but he is what he is.

We had a lovely day with DF today but I wish it was all over now, could really do without spending tomorrow making polite small talk with DM when I would rather be working. Definitely think a change is due next year and DD being 13 seems a good opportunity to do it.

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