Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Jealous of rich skinny sister, is murder ever morally right?

40 replies

Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/06/2014 21:26

First time poster, taken me long time to frame problem in my own head and pluck up confidence to go public but genuinely want honest opinions. non identical twin sister who was bit over indulged by parents ( both deceased) as she has, we think, un diagnosed aspergers. lots of family life revolved around keeping her happy, she very cold and odd socially. She is now married and is a successful designer, yes, I can admit I'm a bit jealous of their stunning home/v rich lifestyle/ flat tummy and the fact they did not have to spend 15 k on IVF as we did.
The Two problems are 1. my DH hates her and would like us to break off all contact as he views the relationship as toxic and bad for my already low esteem. This has caused rows in my normally really good marriage, my DH has good reason as twin sister has form for treating us both v badly I.e she is belittling , rude , dismissive, never asks about our lives , comes round our house and makes judgemental comments about what she perceives as our lifestyle ( large telly, enjoy watching it, like eating non homemade cheap cakes, laughed like a banshee about all the pathetic people who asks strangers about their problems on mumsnet!)
Problem no 2. We have a baby each, hers born 3 weeks before mine. She is constantly competitive and showing off what great parents they are/ how advanced their DD is and lectures me endlessly about child rearing because her view of me is that I'm a total looser at life/motherhood (I'm a charity manager and volunteer counsellor for elderly) I can't bring myself to remove her from my life
QUESTION
How do I protect my child/ and me from life time of competitiveness and toxic ness ?
Please share ideas, desperate for advice, opinions

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 12/06/2014 21:30

Sorry - if day remove her from your life!

You'd be happier. And so would your DH.

BikeRunSki · 12/06/2014 21:30

Why can't you remove her?

I'm not suggesting you should, but thinking about this might help you identify the positives of your relationship with her.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 12/06/2014 21:31

Argh text fail. 'I'd say remove her from your life' is what that should have said!!

Montegomongoose · 12/06/2014 21:35

Do you believe she is really toxic?

Does your DH have a reason to want you to break contact with your twin other than he doesn't like her? He sounds a bit jealous of her.

Your relationship could be wonderful if you are both honest and both want it to be.

If you don't, and it is really affecting you negatively, then simply let her know you prefer not to have her in your life any more and cease contact.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

dawndonnaagain · 12/06/2014 21:37

Unless martyr is your default position, remove her.
My sister is rich, skinny beautiful. She would never dream of rubbing it in my face. She is funny, clever, generous, kind. That is the way things are meant to be.

CoffeeTea103 · 12/06/2014 21:39

It's so sad when siblings especially twins turn out like this. You should be best friends not enemies, that's truly such a shame.

WorraLiberty · 12/06/2014 21:40

If she really is toxic, then perhaps you should limit contact massively as you don't need that sort of negativity in your life.

However, you've chosen an interesting thread title in the sense that you've explained how awful she is...yet you've chosen to use the words 'skinny' and 'rich'.

Those are the two things she certainly doesn't need to be ashamed of being.

Is it possible that more of how you feel isn't simply down to your lack of self esteem? I mean more than you might realise?

thebodylovesspring · 12/06/2014 21:42

She sounds like a massive boring pain in the arse.

Why are you bothering? Your dh has it right.

Original poster
Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/06/2014 21:46

Have cried many hot tears thinking I have to remove her for the sake of my mental health but cannot as I love her as my twin and cutting her off would be too awkward r.e family gatherings, her DD christening coming up soon...it would be easy if there was just hate, love for our parents also stops me . I have no other siblings

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 12/06/2014 21:50

Could you see her on your own, just you two?

Christwaddle · 12/06/2014 21:53

Well.
It,doesn't sound like she loves you :(

Poppet1974 · 12/06/2014 21:53

Is it possible to distance yourself from her even slightly? Just to see if life without her would be so bad!
If you're just jealous of her, that's your problem not hers but if she really is such a horror then distance yourself slightly before going completely no contact.
She doesn't sound overly lovely to be honest.

cerealqueen · 12/06/2014 21:53

Your relationship could be wonderful if you are both honest and both want it to be.

How so Montegomongoose ?

IWillYeah · 12/06/2014 21:54

The picture you painted makes her sound awful...however you talking about her being rich and skinny...are you sure its not a two-way toxic thing? Are you equally judgmental and nasty about her? And jealous?

ComposHat · 12/06/2014 21:58

Hmm interesting. From what you've said the 'problem' is that she is attractive and wealthy and is a bit pfb about a much yearned for child rather thsn some outrageous slight or behaviour. The fact she was favoured or over indulged as a child must hqve been galling for you but it wasn't her fault

How much is the problem with you and your own self esteem and how much is the problem with her actual behaviour? I hate to say that it seems like your husband is driving this does he have reasons to feel envious of your sister and brother in law?

heraldgerald · 12/06/2014 22:00

Hmm. This sounds very upsetting for you abd and most likely for her too. Sounds like issues reaching back a long way stemming from dysfunctional / unequal parenting... You could try systemic family therapy, I hear it works well for siblings as last resort before going nc? You never know, it might help. Sounds like you two need each other, no?

rodgette · 12/06/2014 22:02

I have twins who are 7, the competition is already fierce...

If you were one of mine feeling like this and telling me how you
felt I would tell you to give yourself a break from your sister,
put some space between you for a while, it may just make her think
about how she OUGHT to treat you...

You seem to assume the default position, but why? you are just as
special, your achievements are different, but surely they are just as
important....

Try focusing less on her and more on how great you are, I would
love to be a charity manager and you have a beautiful child, who cares
what she has/does/says /thinks, let her get on with it, you, your husband and your child are what matters.

hope that helps, please ignore if you think that doesn't help at all
just wanted to post because I worry about my girls when I am not her anymore :)

Sicaq · 12/06/2014 22:05

I think it's very unusual indeed for siblings to be best friends, coffeetea Shared DNA does not mean you're going to automatically like someone.

tobysmum77 · 12/06/2014 22:08

yabu to describe her as skinny that word makes me shudder. it makes me wonder what else is going on tbh in all this jealousy/ dislike whatever.

Fortheloveofralph · 12/06/2014 22:12

I think you have to see her for who she is - an unconfident insecure twin. She's so clearly jealous of you or very doubtful of her own ability as a mother.

In your shoes every time she is is competitive say 'oh well it's not a competition' or 'that's nice for you all' and then change the subject. Or can you sit down with her and just say that you feel she if being cooperative and that you find it upsetting.

MizK · 12/06/2014 22:13

Have you ever spoken to her about how she makes you feel? The fact that you seem extremely competitive is a bit worrying, because it sounds as though you feel she is always outdoing you. This is your problem, not hers. If you felt secure and confident her comments would be more annoying than hurtful. Could it be that your self esteem isn't great and she is just triggering your doubts about yourself?

I could be totally wrong obvs but I just would hate to think that you might cut her off without considering whether she really is so bad. How old are the babies? Could be some hormonal/knackeredness related element to this?

If she is just awful though, I apologise for trying to excuse her behaviour! My sisters are literally my favourite people on earth and they annoy the fuck out of me at times, have just learned to bitch to my DP to let off steam. If he ever agreed or slated them himself though I'd hate it!

Good luck OP.

Fortheloveofralph · 12/06/2014 22:14

Or read up on ASD because it might help you give her a little more lee way in regards to her behaviour. Might help you understand her.

PrincessBabyCat · 12/06/2014 22:14

Me and DB are polar opposites. He is very rigid with following rules and following a routine, I am free spirited and fuck if I know what a schedule is. We still manage to get along well with each other because we respect each other's differences.

Your sister is not doing that with you. She should be respecting your different lifestyle, not criticizing it.

Original poster
Nofunkingworriesmate · 12/06/2014 22:15

My Husband is tolerant kind person and only reason he wants break is because how hurt I have been in past over her behaviour/ comments .and how this has disrupted our rare down time together, My sister has been rude to him directly (belittling his religious beliefs/ job) I have excused lots of twins bad behaviour as down to never properly diagnosed Aspergers, in the family she is fondly thought of as weird / eccentric. I am only one who get brunt of aggression especially since parents died which was 10 months (mum ) / two years ago (dad)
Dh comes to one in every three / four meetings with twin so limits his contact

OP posts:
unrealhousewife · 12/06/2014 22:16

Of course you shouldn't cut her off, she's your twin sister. That would cause you far more pain.

There are things you should consider about your upbringing that may have caused her behaviour. Being the favourite is as damaging as being the 'loser' and your parents might have caused her to behave like this. What I'm saying is, don't blame her for being a pain.

What you need to do is find a way to be more resilient, to assert yourself graciously and also to be clear with her about how she is making you feel. You need to find in her the true sister, the one who would always stand by you.

Having your first child is a game changer, you will both learn a lot of things about life. Cutting her off now won't give you the opportunity to see those changes happen.