Jealous of rich skinny sister, is murder ever morally right?

[Nofunkingworriesmate]

First time poster, taken me long time to frame problem in my own head and pluck up confidence to go public but genuinely want honest opinions. non identical twin sister who was bit over indulged by parents ( both deceased) as she has, we think, un diagnosed aspergers. lots of family life revolved around keeping her happy, she very cold and odd socially. She is now married and is a successful designer, yes, I can admit I'm a bit jealous of their stunning home/v rich lifestyle/ flat tummy and the fact they did not have to spend 15 k on IVF as we did.
The Two problems are 1. my DH hates her and would like us to break off all contact as he views the relationship as toxic and bad for my already low esteem. This has caused rows in my normally really good marriage, my DH has good reason as twin sister has form for treating us both v badly I.e she is belittling , rude , dismissive, never asks about our lives , comes round our house and makes judgemental comments about what she perceives as our lifestyle ( large telly, enjoy watching it, like eating non homemade cheap cakes, laughed like a banshee about all the pathetic people who asks strangers about their problems on mumsnet!)
Problem no 2. We have a baby each, hers born 3 weeks before mine. She is constantly competitive and showing off what great parents they are/ how advanced their DD is and lectures me endlessly about child rearing because her view of me is that I'm a total looser at life/motherhood (I'm a charity manager and volunteer counsellor for elderly) I can't bring myself to remove her from my life
QUESTION
How do I protect my child/ and me from life time of competitiveness and toxic ness ?
Please share ideas, desperate for advice, opinions

Your words are very revealing.
I don't think it's all her problem TBH.

How about a simple strategy - cut length of any visits by half, for the foreseeable future for family gatherings you go as early as possible and leave much eariler.
Cut number of time you see each other by two.
Never meet her at your ot her home.
THose steps would help to put distance between both families.

See in a few months time how you feel about it.

YABU
You said she may have undiagnosed Aspergers. This would mean that it is practically impossible for her to always say and do the right things socially...she is certain to upset you sometimes, but really it would be unreasonable to hold her responsible for it. It's like holding someone in a wheelchair responsible for not being able to walk.

She is your twin and you love her. Plus, your parents loved her - how would they have reacted to you cutting contact? You also don't know how she feels inside - she might well see you as one of her best friends, and able to relax slightly more with you than with most - surely a compliment - although unfortunately might also mean she makes more mistakes socially with you as she might not be quite as careful as she would be with others.

I can't believe how quickly and easily people have gone for the 'cut her out of your life' approach - she's your twin sister!

Sorry - just re-read your post, and in answer to your question - you have a full life of your own. It takes two to be competitive. You focus on your family, your job, your daughter, your friends, and being happy within yourself. If you are truly happy yourself, it doesn't matter if her daughter does anything first/better than yours - yours will be better socially/well-rounded/fill in the gap - your child will definitely be better at something - all children have their strengths and weaknesses - hers will be no different.

Sorry for long post - I guess I just feel for Aspergers people, and if they can't rely on their family to not disown them (as their friends do), who can they rely on??

I think the words that you use, like others have said are telling. Skinny and rich aren't actually your sisters fault.

Just because your DH 'hates' her, it doesn't mean that you have to break contact.

I agree with unreal being the favourite can be as damaging, but as I said in my previous post that isn't her fault she is a product of how she was parented, justas you were. I know it is uncomfortable to speak ill of the dead, but your parents bear a lot of responsibility for the dynamic that exists between you.

I am currently not in contact with my younger sister. Mainly for exactly the same behaviour as yours. I have tried and tried over the last 10 years to find that true sister the one who will always stand by me and she has let me down over and over again. Ruining family gatherings, criticising my children, one of whom is a successful adult and has also had enough. It can actually be damaging to your own children the more malicious a relative becomes, we have seen this happen. I refuse to let her do this ever again.

My parents also treated my sister the same way yours did so now DH and I have to deal with the same behaviour from her that they did. DH wants nothing to do with her again. This is due to a recent incident which I can't go in to detail on here but am happy to PM you OP as it seems we have to deal with similar behaviour. It has taken me a long time to make my decision and I adore my nieces so feel sad I cannot see them right now. We do have other family members who want to help us maintain contact and they too are at a loss with my sister but are not treated quite as badly by her.

I've no idea what you should do but I have to admit that I pretty much stopped having contact with a sister a while back - and it's been great! I didn't realise quite how much the relationship was dragging me down until I stopped. I haven't done any "big scene" sort of thing: I've just pulled back. Since I was the one doing the running, it effectively means we don't see each other. It's been like having a large rock removed from on top of me.

That said, I'm half a century old!! So I have given the relationship my best shot.

I agree you should think about how much of this is down to your own self-esteem. But ... there are some people who can just make you feel really, really bad. Only you can know the answer to this.

Is there no way you can just pull back from the relationship a bit? Try cutting visits to a couple a year? See how you feel?

You said she may have undiagnosed Aspergers. This would mean that it is practically impossible for her to always say and do the right things socially...she is certain to upset you sometimes, but really it would be unreasonable to hold her responsible for it. It's like holding someone in a wheelchair responsible for not being able to walk.

Except having Aspergers and being an asshole aren't mutually exclusive. You can be both. People with SN's aren't angels in disguise, they have complex emotions and are just as capable of being jerks as any other person. Let's not infantalize them and deny personal responsibility here. You can, and should hold them responsible for their actions.

Aspergers is more social faux pas with being blunt, speaking out of turn, being irreverent, and taking sarcasm literally than being blatantly mean spirited. If it was the Aspergers it wouldn't just be her sister getting her aggressive side, she obviously knows how to act around other people, this isn't her misunderstanding how to act.

Even if it were because of the Aspergers its still not acceptable and she should know that her mistreating her twin won't be tolerated like that. If it really is her not understanding she'll feel remorseful and apologize and try to correct her behavior.

By the way, you do sound as though you have masses to count as blessings: a loving partner, child, interesting career with social worth and lots of potential - that's pretty "wow". If your sister is all that, and rich and with a great figure on top, well, you two must be quite formidable as a pair. Would accepting how great your lot sounds (from the outside) do anything to help your self-esteem (and thus how you feel about your sister?).

Whatever you do about the relationship, let the competitive stuff wash over you. It can be quite destructive. Even when you try not to compete, it can take an edge off the joy. One of the great things about being a parent is being able to really take pleasure - from time to time - in how wonderful our children are, and to really indulge in being able to love another person/people in such an unconditional and unlimited way. It's a real privilege - so try and protect it for yourself, because it is a pleasure meant for you.

Why do you think it is Aspergers?

I wondered that too badtime we have AS in our family and despite all the challenges AS brings both the children and adults who have been diagnosed are loving and a huge part of our family. In their own world definitely-but also very much in ours too just in a different way.

I am of the opinion my sister is a very selfish person who has been indulged her entire life and if she throws a tantrum she knows she will get what she wants. AS meltdowns are entirely different and all the people in our family who have AS do not behave in a mean nasty way towards others.

I notice you lost both parents recently. It might be worth considering counselling because a huge loss tends to shift family dynamics.

Sometimes parents create a divide between their children, or fail to do the job of reducing chances of perceived injustice or jealousy between siblings. If this was part of your family dynamic then this could be an opportunity to repair things.

Not quite the same, but my SIL used to come over, judge our lifestyle, judge how little money we had etc. She was a completely bitch, frankly.

She assumed she'd be coming on a big holiday with us and we told her that actually she wasn't invited. DH then took the opportunity to explain to her the various things she did that were hurtful, in an email. She replied to say she thought he was being very unfair, but he stuck to his guns.

We then didn't see her for a couple of years. Eventually she realised that if she wanted to be in our lives she couldn't be a bitch. She is now polite and thoughtful when she visits.

Cutting someone out of your life doesn't have to be forever. And sometimes it helps to tell someone exactly what it is about their behaviour that is hurtful, and that they need to change it.

PrincessBabyCat - no of course a person with Aspergers isn't actually an unpleasant person, but they can often come across badly, making people think they are.

To say that 'even if it's caused by the Aspergers it's completely unacceptable and won't be tolerated' - really?? I think that's more than a little harsh.

'She obviously knows how to act around other people' - what makes you think that? She may be successful at her career, but there is nothing said about what good friends she has.

I'm not saying she's a perfect person, but I would like to think that a sister would stick by her.

1. Get some counselling - the problems sound more on your side rather than any fault with hers. Does it matter if she is thinner and richer than you are? It seems you make it matter but you don't have to feel that way.

1. Do what antim says above in terms of just cutting the duration of visits in half and see how that goes.