Nosey MIL

[MagicDucky]

It's more of a "are WE being unreasonable?" I've been with my partner 3 years now and his mother is very hard work.

For example, before we'd even met she bought me a college prospectus. Which, to me said, you don't have a good enough education or job to be with my son. (He went to college, did an apprenticeship and has a trade)

I've found her to be quite unbearable since I had my DD 5 months ago. Always telling me what I should be doing ect. But the last straw came the other day.

DP an I are going for a bigger rental house (we want somewhere more comfortable while we save for a mortgage.) and she can't seem to butt out. She made an appointment to view one DP and I decided we didn't like and called a company to find out why we hadn't gotten a house we had gone for previously. This to me is over stepping the mark.

I know she just want to help. But I just want her to stop. Obviously she's finding it hard to let go of her youngest child and only son, how do we tell her though?

DP snapped at her the other day (we're now in the application process of another house) saying not to bother calling this company up, we can do it ourselves. And there was no need for her to have gone and looked at the house the day before. ( as soon as he'd told her he'd applied for it she drove round skulked around the garden and looked in all the windows)

Basically, should we sit them down and explain this or should we just hold our tongue? I know that DP could have gone a better way about talking to her the other day, that is for sure.

Sorry about the huge post!!

To be honest, I'd just hold your tongue... DP has snapped at her so presumably she has got the message he isn't impressed. In future I'd just be keeping our plans to ourselves so she can't go around interfering.

Irritating though it is I very much doubt she will change, so you would likely just be wasting your breath.

Don't tell her anything about your plans in future. What she doesn't know, she can't interfere in.

YANBU

I agree, don't tell her your plans. When she interferes with the baby say, "that's how they used to do it way back when, but that's not current medical advice, and we all do things differently." In a bored voice, repeat over and over again for every comment.

She can only interfere as much as you let her. It's good dp snapped. It means he's enforcing boundaries. But even better to sit her down and say "mum I am an adult. You have no right to interfere in my decisions and if you carry on we will stop telling you any of our plans. Your behaviour crosses a big line. I am a father now. Don't undermine me."

But still reduce what you tell her. Give her news of done deals, "we have a new place!" Not, "we're looking for a new place!"

Ideally tell her the day you move :o

I had similar with my in law as years ago. I told them it was very important to DH and I that we try to make our own way in the world but that we were so grateful we had them to rely on if every we needed them.

That worked for us.

You need to stop telling her every single detail of your life, keep things (like viewing and applying for houses) quiet until they are finalised.

It doesnt get better OP. Me and DP are in HA and we have bid and won another house in a lovely village location which we are thrilled about.

It has had to have some extensive structual work done first so we knew it would be a while before we could view it and we are still waiting. However, my father and fil go to the house weekly to peer in the windows to see what work has been done. WEEKLY

We know what work has been done as the HA keep us up to date. But they still go and look and get out and have a nosey through the windows.

Me and DP have told them both that they dont need to do this and to leave it. But they dont.

And I am 41, not some daft young thing who doesnt have a clue. It drives me insane.

yes. HOLD your tongue. It's almost like she wants a show down.

If you defend yourself to her it'll only perpetuate her erroneous belief that you need her approval. You set your OWN bar. You're not meeting HER bar. ykwim

Absolutely agree with only giving news when it's a fait accomplit. NO musing 'wonder what I'll do with my hair at the hairdressers tomorrow' cos she'll tell you, then you'll be unsure whether your own bloody haircut was her choice or your choice, or whether you picked the opposite of what she suggested to assert yourself or because it was genuinely the haircut you wanted . Just show up with your new job/hair/house/car.

ps, that's just an analogy but you get the picture.

Thanks guys! We didn't intend on telling her at all until it was a done deal but she said she was going to call and organise a viewing for us [sigh]

I don't think they got the message when DP snapped at her though because he got an angry text message from FIL next day. He doesn't see it from our point of view, he thinks they are being helpful and is annoyed that DP is "being unreasonable"!!! Oh dear.

The less she knows the better.

I agree with the above. I've never discussed the details of house buying/ renting with extended family unless I wanted their opinion from the time I went to uni. Stop telling her which flats/ houses you are thinking of looking at and just give vague responses and tell her she'll see the new house when you have chosen one.
It sounds as though you see too much of her and involve her too much in your day to day life. The same if she tries to tell you what colour to paint rooms etc, don't discuss the fact that you are thinking of redecorating until you have decided what you want and bought it.
She won't change so to stop her behaviour upsetting you you have to change how you interact with her.
Sitting down and having a chat with her is just involving her more in your plans.

I think I'm annoying her more (not that I care) because I don't ask her opinion on anything but always ask my Mum.

She seems really jealous of my Mum. When I told her my Mum was going to be at DDs birth (only when DP needed to get a coffee or food, she wasn't there for the important part) MIL asked if she could be there to. DP had to explain why not.

Yes 2rebecca we see far too much of her, she lives around the corner so always just thinks it's okay to pop in. We had to explain that wasn't acceptable. Can't wait to move away from her!

It sounds as though she doesn't just give an opinion but want to take over when you do involve her though. How does she know that you ask your mum's opinion on stuff? My MIL has no idea what stuff I discuss with my dad and how often.
Also why should you be asking for her opinion on stuff just because you ask your mum, that's like expecting your husband to ask your parents' opinions on stuff as often as he asks for his parents'. She isn't your mum she's your husband's.
You can still involve your MIL in your life, I just wouldn't discuss plans with her and only tell her stuff when it is sorted out so she can't take over.
If you've found her unbearable it sounds as though you need to see less of her though. You don't stop having a right to your own life just because you have children.

I spend a lot of time with my mum so she sees us out and about, and she works at our local shop so sees is there sometimes too although I've recently stopped going to said shop.

I don't actually see all that much of her nowadays but she is constantly phoning DP.

I've impressed myself because I'm not usually one to hold my tongue, but as I'm stuck with her for the rest of my life I figure it's the best thing to do.

I dont think she is going about it the right way but I can sympathise with how she feels.

All she sees is you and your mum out and about together a lot, your mum was at the birth and she wasnt allowed to be (I understand why but I can also see why she feels pushed out), when she tries to help (!) her son snaps at her. Is she "wearing the trousers" in her marriage? That could be why she is being like this.

If she makes all the decisions in their marriage then she probably assumes you are the same, and because you are close to your mum she perhaps fears that your mum is the main grandparent and she will be sidelined.

I think that perhaps you should sit down with her and explain that you do appreciate her wanting to help, that you understand that she only wants the best for you but that interfering with the housing agents could actually make things more difficult for you. Tell her that you feel safer knowing that she is on your team and that you can ask her for help if you need it.

She sounds caring but misguided, you seem determined to see the worst in her if I am honest.

Find the most horrible, run down, dropping to pieces, rusty cars and a fridge in the front garden, crack den you can, then tell her all about how lovely it is, how nice it will be when you's spent 000s fixed it up and the landlord doesn't mind if you do XYZ very expensive stuff to it. Rave about how you can't wait and how nice it will be at every opportunity.
Don't forget to keep straight faces

My in-laws kept coming to have a neb at the house we were buying - drove us nuts

This could have been my DH wrting about my mother

She sticks her nose in on everything under the guise of "trying to help". She does mean well, her heart is in the right place but it's still very annoying.

Nothing really to add except for what others have said - keep information to a minimum which is sad but...

When we do tell her to butt out ask her to step back she looks like a wounded kitten so it's best all round. My husband is under threat of redundancy at the moment. We haven't told her as she will start asking us have we made contingency plans, scrutinising everything we spend, emailing him with potential jobs etc - all very nice and thoughtful BUT YEAH WE'D KIND OF THOUGHT OF THAT BECAUSE WE'RE NOT STUPID!!!!!

Bogeyface - I maybe worded that part wrong I didn't want her in the room at arrival, she came in afterwards and was at the hospital whilst I was giving birth, but the act if giving birth isn't something that I wanted open for everyone to watch.

Also I'm not determined to see the worst in her, I have tried MULTIPLE times to politely ask her to step back, she sees DD just as often if not more than my parents because she lives so close. I'm just getting tired of having to ask her to stop pushing.

She's pushing because you seem to be doing your best to push her away. It's perfectly understandable that you are closer to your mum, but you are making your dislike of her crystal clear and no doubt she is very hurt.

Does she have any daughters?

Yes she has two daughters.

The fact your FIL texted to tell you off for upsetting your MIL suggests she is used to being top dog and no-one opposing her.

So your DP snapping at her will be seen as outright rebellion.

Stop discussing your life with her and tell her stuff that you have done as a fact, not inviting a discussion.

You can maintain cordial contact, she has 2 daughters so it isn't like your DP is her only child and she shouldn't be jealous of your mum, who is your mum, and naturally you see more of her.

Just change the way you interact with her and don't give her any opportunity to interfere or do things on your behalf.

If someone was trying to arrange appointments for viewing properties and that person wasn't an assistant paid to do the job, I'd be very cross with them. It's not their place to do that.

For example, if DH and me are thinking of moving house and if we're viewing properties, I'm not bringing the whole family along until we would actually have bought the new place. Only then would they get to see it.

Your MIL has way overstepped a line.

It is your DH that needs to sit down with her (and have you there for moral support if he needs it but let him do the talking). He needs to explain in simple terms that although he is her son and he always will be, he is now a dad in his own right and he has to be allowed to be a dad. Make his own decisions, plans etc. and while she is very much family, his focus is now on his new family (i.e. you and your child).

If she wants to be involved at all, it has to be on new terms - can't just drop around anymore, can't organise his life as though he's still living with her, that kind of thing.
Stress that she isn't being excluded but that if she oversteps the mark, she will be included less and that she has to decide how she is going to handle this.

Best of luck with it!

I don't think the OP is pushing her MIL away, and if she is it's only because the MIL is trying to interfere in her life rather than getting on with her own life. I wouldn't have wanted my inlaws even in the hospital hanging around impatiently waiting for me to give birth and it sounds as though the OP sees an awful lot of her MIL.
The older generation only do this to young women, they don't hassle the husbands of daughters in the same way so men rarely feel the need to get some distance from their inlaws.
You have to give people space to live their own lives and concentrate on your own life being there to help when needed. I think if you constantly push to be more and more involved in someone else's life then you will get pushed away.
Women are still entitled to live their lives the way they want and to choose who to spend time with if they marry and have children.