Nosey MIL

[MagicDucky]

It's more of a "are WE being unreasonable?" I've been with my partner 3 years now and his mother is very hard work.

For example, before we'd even met she bought me a college prospectus. Which, to me said, you don't have a good enough education or job to be with my son. (He went to college, did an apprenticeship and has a trade)

I've found her to be quite unbearable since I had my DD 5 months ago. Always telling me what I should be doing ect. But the last straw came the other day.

DP an I are going for a bigger rental house (we want somewhere more comfortable while we save for a mortgage.) and she can't seem to butt out. She made an appointment to view one DP and I decided we didn't like and called a company to find out why we hadn't gotten a house we had gone for previously. This to me is over stepping the mark.

I know she just want to help. But I just want her to stop. Obviously she's finding it hard to let go of her youngest child and only son, how do we tell her though?

DP snapped at her the other day (we're now in the application process of another house) saying not to bother calling this company up, we can do it ourselves. And there was no need for her to have gone and looked at the house the day before. ( as soon as he'd told her he'd applied for it she drove round skulked around the garden and looked in all the windows)

Basically, should we sit them down and explain this or should we just hold our tongue? I know that DP could have gone a better way about talking to her the other day, that is for sure.

Sorry about the huge post!!

It's up to you how much time you spend with your own mother!

Do FILS get pissed off when their daughters' husbands spend time with their own fathers I wonder?

My dad phones and says he'll pop over, arrives and says "Mr.pianodoodle not here?"

"No, he's in town getting his hair cut. He's taken DD with him for a quick walk"

"Oh. Are you putting the kettle on?"

In-laws come over... "where's pianodoodle?"

"In town getting a hair cut with DD"

(much hysterical hand wringing) "Waaah?! I can see we aren't welcome here. That treacherous devil woman is plotting our downfall etc...."

OP there's a knack to keeping certain people at arms length without letting them see you're doing it. I've learned how over the years and i do it with my mother. Saves allot of frustration all round.

You give all the usual info and news but in a way cant be 'used' in a bad way.
for eg: Give slightly old news:
Not: ''we intend to redecorate the nursery''. Which could be responded to with a big humph about how much money you're wasting, and a mad rush to bombard you with 2nd hand stuff (or what ever your own problem is)

but instead:''We have redecorated the nursery''. Big smile.
It's done. Too late.

Not: ''We are thinking of booking a holiday'' ... que trying to talk you out of it. But ''We're off on holls next week. All booked. So excited!''.

It's hard work at first but becomes second nature after a while.

I agree with the pp who said present information as a done deal. Tell the ILs what you have done so they can not try to interfere. They can obviously pass an opinion on your choices but that's a different point for another day. Tell MiL nothing about your future plans.

As for her being jealous of you spending time with your own DM that's just tough. She isn't your mum and the relationships will be different.

She sounds like she enjoys being a 'matriarch' who controls everyone and everything in her family and won't deal well with not being so. Again that's tough. Stick to your guns, OP.

your mum was at the birth and she wasnt allowed to be (I understand why but I can also see why she feels pushed out)

Surely no reasonable woman feels entitled to be or expects to be at her daughter-in-law's labour?

No they dont, but it doesnt mean that she wont feel rejected. It was her grandchild too and probably wasnt thinking in terms of the labour but that why should one grandmother be allowed in and not the other.

I am not saying it is a reasonable thing to ask, but that I can understand the thought processes to her feeling rejected.