NCT group meet ups to include the DPs?

[littlestripeybear]

One mum pushing hard for this. 9 couples. Babies 3 months old.

My DH came to the classes and was interested in the preg. and brth info., but has zero interest in the social side of it. For me it was always more about having some contact with other new mums after the birth and i enjoy the meetups with them. Comparing notes about BFing, weight gain/loss, libido, family, inlaws, everything - life in general!

We (mums) don't all manage to get together very often though. Busy lives. Usually a coffee morning every few weeks. Rare for for than 4 or 5 at a time to make it.

The mum pushing for the inclusion of the ''boys'' as she keeps calling them, is the one who is most active in organising and hosting our meetups. She just seems slightly out of step with everybody else. She was keen for evening meet ups - but everyone declined that as we're all trying to get new DCs into a routine and reserve evening outings for major stuff, not an NCT meet.

From the start she's kept pushing for this 'DPs staying in contact', but from what i can see (i take a back seat on this) agreeing a time when all the dads can come along as well is almost impossible. So so far it's never come off. (DPs are all working full time so weekdays are out. Weekends are even busier than the week!) But still she presses on ...

Everyone is so incredibly polite. We don't all know each other that well and tread gently around each other still. I've no idea how many of the DPs actually want to go and how many of the excuses are genuine. I think most of us are just happy with a mums coffee and cake morning once in a while tbh.

So - WWYD?
A. i know my DH will never go to one of these 'couples' gatherings, and i cant keep on making excuses. She's trying hard to include everyone. Do i just tell them he's just an unsociable bugger?

B. if/when the couples meetups get going i don't feel i want to attend them on my own. I'll feel like a spare wheel. More excuses.

So i'm left feeling a bit when she starts up again with this ''when are we going to get all the boys together again'' stuff. It's just bloody awkward. Iis it usual for NCT groups to be a couples thing after the babies have come along?

A single woman... pregnant?! Having a baby... ON HER OWN?! How shocking and degenerate! /clutches pearls

I have never been to a baby group or NCT. Dh will be stayinh at home with our 3 he just meets all the others SAHDs he already knows rather than through formal groups. I think your being a bit harsh leaving all the men out.

Why not organize a picnic lunch one Saturday. That way if partners want to come they can if they don't they don't have to.

We have occasional all family get togethers, birthday parties etc. There's no obligation for anyone to go if they don't want to.

I'm always happy to attend alone if dh is working or catching up on house things. Try it and see I don't see what you're bothered about. All the dads in my group are lovely and it's nice to get to know some of them.

None of the dads in our group stay in touch separately from their wives but its nice to get together as couples with same age dc.

I have mixed feelings about NCT.

I was prepared to say YANBU on the basis of your OP, purely because the mum had used the term. 'Boys' to describe your collective DHs.

But after reading some of the responses, I don't think it would kill your DHs to make an effort.

We have a similar thing going on in our group except half of us just want a meet up with other mums and the other half seem to be trying to force couple get togethers constantly. It really does feel very forced.

Although they are all nice enough people DH has no interest in couple get togethers. He would rather spend that time doing something he really enjoys (squash, racketball or golf).

The other issue for me is the mums seem to want to meet up 2/3 times a week. With spending time with family, friends and other general stuff going on (my own sports hobbies), I just can not make that number of meet ups. I go maybe once every 2/3 weeks. I don't know where they get the time. I sometimes wonder if I am just really badly organised.

So when invites are issued DH and I try not to make excuses but simply say we can't make it. We don't attend any couple meets now and I only go to the mum meets I want to attend. I have only attended one couple meet without DH and it was nice enough but I would not do it again.

We're 2.5 years on in my group now. Very close still with three of the women and see them minimum twice a week.

We do meet up as couples but only when we're doing something with the children iyswim?

The men have come when we've been to the zoo, seen each other at birthday parties and when we've had summer BBQs / Christmas parties. I think they are happy with that..... They get on well enough then and like to keep in touch but wouldn't want to meet up all the time.

It sounds nice that she is willing to put all this effort in, it's a bit mean to be sneery about it. We still meet up with a lot of our NCT group two years on. Sometimes as a couple, sometimes just me, sometimes just dh. Sometimes we are busy or it is inconvenient and neither of us go. Always appreciate the effort that has been made to organise a big meet up though.
I don't think it was odd for her to suggest evening meet ups either. We did this a lot when the babies were little. Pub meet ups had the highest attendance.
Several of us have now had dc2s at the same time and have benefited from each other's support again. I looke after my NCT friends dc1 whilst she was having dc2.

I would just tell the truth, and hopefully everyone else will take your cue and do the same... you need to stop walking on eggshells if you want to become true friends.

I would just laugh and say that, to be honest, DH is a bit of an unsociable bugger and isn't that keen. Others maysay the same, or they could just look at you like you're mad, in which case I personally would be backing off as I would know that we were never going to be good friends.

Would your DH meet up with them if it was, say, a Sunday afternoon bbq or something? Although, it sounded from your OP like you're not keen either on taking the friendships further than the occasional coffee morning, and if so, it might be worth letting this woman know as she is obviously hoping that your group is going to be a major part of her social life.

I still meet with 4 of my group 3 years on. However the DPs have never met on their own, only on a couple of weekend things or christenings. It does seem odd that she keeps pushing it, but as others have said if they are new to the area they might just want to make new friends (i have never had to do this and I always think it must be really awful if no one is interested!) I don't see why you can't just have DP included meets and then whoever wants to come can and those who don't don't have to. Evening meet ups with all of you would be strange at this stage though!

at not being able to imagine any single parents at this stage, how very NCT!

Thank you for the continued responses.

I didn't mean to sound sneery about her efforts. I think maybe i'm just feeling a bit funny about the couples stuff as it's just not going to happen for me. Perhaps i fear a bit of a coupley clique forming.

littlepeapods post describes the situation re:DH perfectly. He'd never be rude, and chatted at the classes, but his work is physically exhausting, he works allot of weekends, and down time is precious/non existent once family and household commitments are fulfilled. I dont blame him for not wanting to join met ups. If he'd joined a club i had no interest in socially, and i had as little spare time as he has, i wouldn't want to be expected to join in and spend afternoons sitting around making small talk either.

Interesting that my posts seem to convey that i'm 'not into' making firm friends. I am actually quite lonely, and a bit isolated having moved, but have learned to cope with it so well that i am now wary of making lots of social commitments when the opportunity does arise. With potential new friends. Odd isn't it?

I am going to be honest and just tell them DH is an antisocial bugger, and very busy too. No point in beating about the bush

I'm thinking hard and i just cant explain why i wouldn't go alone to a couples meet up.

I find it easy to be sociable and am good at chatting with anyone and everyone. But frankly right now i think i just want/need/enjoy good old fashioned women to women gossipy time. That's what i was looking for from NCT.

I don't think you can just pick and choose which bits you want to attend. If you find other are organising lots of couples/evening things that don't work for you then just arrange some coffee mornings yourself. I think you do need to compromise a bit though when you move to a new area, especially if you are a bit lonely.
We moved when I was pregnant with dc1 and at first I accepted every social invitation and befriended everyone and over time became a bit more discerning once I had a wide network set up. We are now moving country again and I have no worries about meeting new people.

Sorry - I meant I do think you can just pick and choose which bits to attend

little I am with you. I just want a good old fashioned chat with the women.

The couple friendships just aren't going to happen. Birthday parties, BBQ etc. fine but that's about it. I will probably always be on the outskirts of the group and as long as it doesn't get nasty gossipy or bitchy, I am fine with that

Maybe join your local branch? I joined the branch and the committee thingy (not that much commitment) but it was great it helped me feel connected into my community, was just women normally. Your branch might also run other meet ups too.

Can't you start a grumble about how unsocial he is?

I think it sounds like she's pushing for you all to be more of a friendship group as opposed to "mums with similar aged children who meet up occasionally". Nothing wrong with this, but if it's not what other peole want then she's going to be disapointed. All you can do is to keep putting her off gently.

I don't know how much you all have in common- my NCT group was lovely- we're all still friends and socialise as mums (girls night out one a month, lots of meet ups with the children) and as couples (more infrequently, tends to be a summer picnic/ Xmas meal etc), and it is great fun- I presume this is what she's hoping for, and it's not a daft thing to want. Men only get togethers hasn't worked, largely because all the men work silly hours and can't be bothered, although they all get on. When the children were younger the men used to all meet up in the park on Saturdays with the children which was lovely. You can't force freindships though- we all gelled quickly, but I know of other groups who don't speak at all.....

hmmmm,

my NCT group meet up when they can, usually without partners but we do have the occasional Sunday lunch or picnic meet up in the summer which everyone tries to get to. I think these are nice.

The blokes also arrange curry nights but none of us are in each others pockets. I rarely make it to anything these days.

I think YAB a bit unreasonable to think blokes should be excluded altogether and personally I think it would be better if your DP/DH DID make the effort to go along sometimes.

Next time she brings it up just laugh and say no way would your DP want to do this. I think you'll find he won't be the only one and it just takes one person to be brave enough to speak out for the floodgates to open.

My DH would never have gone for this - he has his own friends and interests and thats how we both like it!

Our nct group is brilliant. I think we were unusually lucky. We are moving soon and I'm genuinely sad to leave them behind; it's really nice to have friends within walking distance during the day. The mums and babies meet up weekly. A couple of the dads took extended paternity leave or were between jobs and would occasionally meet up but they never came to the regular weekday meet up. Our teacher was very proactive and made us set up some evening meet-ups between the end of the course and our due dates which made a big difference. Then we had a reunion with our teacher once all of the babies were born, and we managed a Sunday pub lunch meet before Christmas.

I don't know if your DP would be up for this, OP, but why doesn't he email the dads and suggest that they go for a beer one evening / weekend?

I think you can be honest and just say your DP isn't really very keen - just not his kind of thing. But maybe ask if she feels that her DP needs/wants friendship/support from other Dads?

My DP was pretty rubbish when my babies were small (he's a great Dad now, just couldn't get his head round it then). I used to wish I could force him to spend time with other new Dads so that he would realise what other Dads did and what he was missing out on - because coming from me he just perceived it as nagging. I wonder if something like this is going on but she doesn't want to be disloyal and say so? Maybe you could start a general conversation along the lines of asking how everyone feels their DPs have adapted to fatherhood? She might actually be the one in need of friends herself if she's feeling very alone with it all.

My NCT group was made up of 6 extremely different couples. In theory I have very little in common with the other 5 women. However, nearly 10 years later we still meet up every 3 months (mums only) for a meal and it is lovely to still have that connection and hear about what all the DC are doing. I don't really understand why some of these posts are so anti-NCT. One of my friends had a baby as a single mum at age 45 with donor eggs and donor sperm. She went to NCT classes and was accepted and included and made some very valuable friendships there. There's absolutely no expectation that you can only go if you are married and middle class...

I think we probably had one or two whole family get togethers. Our NCT group was pretty good and all the mums (bar one) met up every week throughout mat leave. After that it really started to drop off as 3 moved away, which left 4 of us and 2 of those went back to work FT. I have stayed in close touch with 2 of the mums (and we have whole family relationships with both of those families) but strangely they don't have that much in common and haven't really stayed in touch so I have separate relationships with them. One of them I continued meeting weekly at a minimum with our younger children - until I moved away a year ago and our NCT group DD's are nearly 10!

We had this with our group - one man or two attempted to arrange a meet up and it failed

The whole point of nct meet ups is because the parent who is off work - usually the mum - now has lots of time to spare in the day and needs other people in the same situation

But men now have LESS free time as they get home from work and have a new baby ! So my dh said - I now have less time to socialise with my real friends and a spare evening is really precious so why would I meet up with strangers in the evening - without a baby !

And while we did a couple of pleasant weekend meet ups with other couples the fact is that everyone has lots of stuff yo do at weekends as a family - ie see old friends and carry on with normal life

I loved meeting my nct friends for coffee etc in the day when the rest of the world was working / I can't see why that would be relevant for a parent who works full time

Once we were all back working our nct meet ups mainly stopped anyway - I'm fond of them and see one or two still but the need for regular meetings is gone once you only have a day or two off a week you generally have lots to fill it