To think this is insensitive

[Alligatorshoes]

My baby was tragically stillborn at term recently and have been extremely depressed. I am bloated from pregnancy and have gained several extra pounds as I have not been eating healthily. I know this. I am sure i will do something about it eventually.

My mum has recently picked up on this and has been remarking on my tummy/the fact that my face is looking fuller whenever I've seen her. But today I got the disingenuous (and frankly insulting) 'xxx (her friend) is going to slimming world near you next week and wants some moral support. Would you mind accompanying her?'

It is clear that Xxx has been briefed to accompany porky little ME to SW. I said as much to my mum and that I am still grieving my baby, not worrying about an extra 10lbs of weight. But apparently it is time I did worry about it.

I'm so insulted that she thought this line would work on me and what? That I'd somehow be swept away by her friend's enthusiasm for SW and decide to join myself? Unbelievable.

To put it into context, I am usually a size 10-12 and am possibly a large 12/small 14 now, with baby weight and comfort eating weight to account for

I am so very sorry to hear about your baby. That was really very insensitive and mean of your mum. She needs to be very supportive right now not passive aggressively plotting to get you to lose weight. Please consider getting the help you need to feel better. Is counselling an option for you?

I am so sorry for your loss. You need support now insensitive comments about weight. There are no words OP, mind yourself.

You need support from people you love and trust, not criticism.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Maybe she thinks it will give you something else to focus on? But I do agree - mean thing to be suggesting when you need time to grieve. I am sorry for your loss OP

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I can't imagine what you must be going through right now. The last thing you need to worry about is your weight. Ignore your mum (about this at least) if you can.

Maybe this is a misguided way of trying to help you?

I'm sorry I don't have anything more helpful to add OP.

YANBU.

What did you say?

I'm so sorry for your loss

I also lost a baby to stillbirth (although not at full term) and another to prematurity.

And those first weeks and months are not the time for people to try and be 'helpful' in such an insensitive way. I don't see my PILs anymore, in part because of insensitive comments in the first days of our losses.

She may be misguidedly thinking that you will feel 'better' if you lose the extra weight, perhaps physically if not emotionally. Or she might think it will 'do you good' to get out and about and SW would be a way to do this.

I've never been to one of those groups (although I could do with it) but would they expect you to talk about why you are there? Perhaps that would be a way to put her off trying to make you go? By saying you don't want to tell a room full of strangers about why you are there?

What I've found is that many people say the wrong thing while thinking they are doing the right one. And the closer they are to you, the more it hurts.

If you can't face speaking to her and asking her to back off a bit, could your partner speak to her for you?

I'm really sorry about your baby. Very sad. Yadnbu. I think your mum is being grossly insensitive and unsupportive. Take care. X

I am so so sorry for what you have been through. If you can glean any comfort from anything right now, grab it with both hands. Even if it is food. Over time you will find strength to rely on it less and less. For now, whatever it takes for you to get through the days.

Your mum is being incredibly insensitive. Maybe you could say to her something along the lines of "stop trying to fix me. Leave me to greive. I need your support to get through this".

Once again, so so sorry

wow yes I think so, she is very much a dust yourself down and look to the future kind of person, which in itself is no bad thing. But my weight is absolutely the last of my concerns right now and my focus is simply on survival, which is hard enough

My heart goes out to you.

Don't forget it isn't just your body that is adjusting, your hormones must be in overdrive as well as 'normal' grief (I don't intend to imply that it's normal to lose a baby, of course, I just mean that you'd obviously feel heartbroken at this anyway, PLUS hormones.)

It's hugely insensitive. Does your mum have form for this sort of stuff; could your husband or partner perhaps have a word?

Your figure sounds fine. Have you been able to have a funeral and say a proper goodbye to your little boy or girl? I'm so so sorry, I feel so upset for you OP. What a bloody horrible thing to go through.

x

You're still grieving! No one wants to hear about their weight/hair/nails/wardrobe when they're grieving. You're quite right that the weight will go when you are ready. And even then, probably exercise will make you feel better than counting calories at SW.

How very sad for you. I am sorry about your baby.

How has you mum been generally? Is this typical behaviour? If not, maybe you could give her a little slack for her very misjudged suggestion. If she is usually considerate then perhaps this is just her way of trying to help.

Screw your mum/slimming world/those "extra" 10lbs, this is absolutely not the time to be even letting thoughts like that even cross your mind and anyone who thinks it is, quite frankly is a knob you don't need in your life atm.

Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who truly love and care for you

OP

sarah so sorry for the loss of your babies and thank you everyone for the and kind words

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP. Look after yourself, yanbu

Mum is fine normally but always a bit of a weight bore (she barely eats and is very thin)
Thank you everyone again. Yes we did have a funeral and it was lovely but horribly sad. I am getting help from the hospital bereavement counsellor and SANDS
As for my partner...it's complicated, sigh. It has hit him very hard.

What EvilHerbivore said.
I know from bitter experience that somehow even a casual remark from one's mother can flay like a knife when a really spiteful thing from anyone else would bounce off - never quite worked out why though!
Just remind yourself she means well roll your eyes, have a gin and look after yourself.
(And I weigh WELL over twice what you weigh, one of my legs on it's own is bigger than you! so console yourself - you are not overweight! or fat/flabby blah blah blah. You are beautiful, I promise)

Pom thanks!
It's ridiculous isnt it? This is normal pregnancy weight gain even without the added helping of unbearable, life- changing grief on top, isn't it!

Fideliney I said very little, just 'it's not my main concern right now' and ended the call very quickly

Of course it's normal - and I will say it as often as you need to hear it! So will everyone else here I'm sure.
If your Mam's always been a skinny-minny, maybe she measures her own self-worth in inches iykwim, and is projecting it on to you, but there's no reason you have to go along with her. Just tell yourself it's her "quirk" and smile and nod and ignore.

Well I hope she realised how bloody insensitive she was being. Look after yourself

To further rant
Other people have expressed surprise that I will be taking maternity leave, saying 'what's the point?' and suggesting that I will feel better if I get back to keeping busy

I am so sorry for your loss. I have also been through similar (not full term).

All I can say is do whatever you need to do to get through it, and if that means sitting there and troughing through food and putting on a few pounds then so be it. Not that you seem to have put much on anyway!!!

X