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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be unhappy about the class my son has been put into?

32 replies

joshandjamie · 10/06/2014 13:08

I am not a parent who complains to the school about things. I get that they have to make the best decisions they can while juggling lots of moving parts. And I don't really think I can complain about this - but I'm not happy about it either.

My 10 year old son has been put into a class for next year with three boys who spent most of this year bullying him. Sadly, he counts these kids as friends despite the bullying which we have thankfully managed to nip in the bud for the most part. He had three of them in his class this year, but the final of one of the quartet is now in the class too, and their behaviour spirals when they are all together as they jostle to be alpha male. Individually, they are ok. It's when they're in a group that the worst of their behaviour comes to the fore.

And it's more than just the previous bullying. These same kids focus on a) what you have i.e. size of your house, how cool your trainers are, what gaming device you play with b) what you look like and c) being in the cool gang/A-team. I hate the way my son is when he hangs out with them. He never used to give a monkey's bum about any of these things - and I believe still wouldn't - if he wasn't surrounded by these kids.

My son lacks confidence and is a bit of a follower, despite us trying to help him see that he is his own person with plenty of good attributes. He will copy what other kids do and say to fit in. I had hoped that they would move him out of this group and put him with 'nicer' boys so that different beliefs rub off on him. But he is stuck once again with kids who pick on people because they don't have the latest iphone, have no sense of healthy competition about grades in class, focusing instead on who's in the A team, and who bully those who don't have what they have.

Would I be unreasonable to flag it with the school? (In my heart, I think it probably is unreasonable but am really not happy with the situation). It's a fee paying school and I hate that he is not getting the best of his education because of a group of kids he's been saddled with.

OP posts:

MrsWinnibago · 10/06/2014 13:11

Not unreasonable at all! It's shit of them. Go in and calmly ask that DS is moved....tell them that you EXPECT them to help DS to make the most of his last year and that he won't be able to do so with those boys.

OwlinaTree · 10/06/2014 13:12

Won't most of this go on on the yard at playtime? Therefore it won't make a difference that he's in that class.

sixlive · 10/06/2014 13:13

Go to the head immediately insist he is moved. Be unemotional as pos and don't take no for an answer.

greenfolder · 10/06/2014 13:13

good god, if you are paying the blinkin fees, go and tell them that you do not want him in a class with children that have been bullying him.

allisgood1 · 10/06/2014 13:17

I agree, ask for him to be moved. It's not fair on him.

SapphireMoon · 10/06/2014 13:22

You are paying fees. Definitely flag up...
If very unhappy with a class choice at our state primary I would flag up my concerns.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 10/06/2014 13:28

Look I get you might feel that way about a state school, but you're at a fee one. You're surely protecting you're investment?! Why wouldn't you comment?

Original poster

joshandjamie · 10/06/2014 13:34

Owl - I think a lot of it does go on at playtime. But my son is shy and tends to befriend the kids in his class rather than those in other classes. And he then plays with them at break too. When they are all in the same class, his closest friends will become these kids.

He hasn't seen the class list yet. I am going to ask him how he feels about it when he gets home. I think he'll probably shrug and say it's fine. It's not like he is intimidated to be with these kids. It's just that I know they bring out the worst in him. If he was put into a class with kids who wanted to get good grades and were more interested in the world around them rather than the expensive crap they owned, I think he would be better off.

I don't think the school will move him. They have a pretty strict policy on it. But I may flag it for the record, if nothing else.

OP posts:

Freckletoes · 10/06/2014 13:41

You are the customer/client of the school, so if you want something changing then they will do it. I'm not a complainer but had bullying issues with my DD (she didn't count the girl as a friend!) and despite us being in on countless occasions to work through this-she was still put in the same Yr 6 class as her! We found out 2 days before the end of term, one teacher said "oh I thought they were getting on now" and I was told it would be very difficult to move things around now as it involved moving another child out of a class and there was already a request to move by some other parents (unrelated problem, different kids) She was still moved.
Then when they all went on to senior school I pre-empted any problems and requested-before the classes were announced-that she was not in the class of the bully and could she be in a class with a particular friend. My DD was already allocated a particular form as her DB was already at the school (works on a house basis and all family members go into same house). Fortunately the friend has already been put in the same form, bully had been too but was switched out. it did help that my DD had achieved a scholarship so I felt that I could use that as a bit of ammunition if needed, although it wasn't

In the end the teachers want everyone to be happy and everyone to gel-it makes their life easier-so it would be surprising if they refused. Plus you would be amazed about some of the things parents do go in and complain about-your issue is perfectly reasonable!

saoirse31 · 10/06/2014 13:55

Is it really the attitudes of these kids you object to, given that he sees them as friends so may be happy to be on same class as them?

You may find that theres a lot of banter re a team, ability at football, consoles etc with many groups of boys so if the bullying s sorted a different class may not make any difference to the type of boys he hangs aroubd with.

If youre worried about grades id work on that with him... most groups of friends have differing abilities, school work ethic etc ime so I would be slow to blame grades on his friends.... his grades r down to him.

Also and I may be madly wrong...id maybe resist the temptation to interfere with his choice of friends...

Gileswithachainsaw · 10/06/2014 14:07

God, I'd have though the best thing all round would to be to split these kids up, with or without the bullying they are all clearly strong characters who think they run the show and it must have an affect on the dynamic of the class. The ahyer ones wing afraid to speak out etc.

What on earth possessed them.

Definately get your Ds moves into the class where he stands a chance of being noticed as an individual and not a follower of other kids.

saoirse31 · 10/06/2014 14:08

Again im sure I'm wrong in your case but I have found that a lot of people describe their kids as 'a follower' or 'easily led' when they behave in ways parents dont like...

I suppose what im saying is your ds may never hang around with friends all of whom you really like but id resist temptation to blame his friends for what he does...

Original poster

joshandjamie · 10/06/2014 14:09

Saoirse - I know there is plenty of banter across the entire year group/boys in general. This is different. He regularly complains about them but I think he feels he needs to be friends with them if he wants to fit in. If they weren't there, he'd be happier because he'd feel under less pressure to fit in with them. Of that I am certain.

I don't tell him who to be friends with. I just know that because he has been placed in a class with these kids, he is going to be under their influence more than ever.

His grades are ok. The problem is the attitude he is developing as a result of these kids i.e. that grades don't matter, being in the A-team matters. Other boys in the year group in other classes have a healthy competition and desire to do well in lessons and sport. But because these boys don't do particularly well in lessons, they dismiss academics and make out that anyone who studies is a nerd/dork. I would far rather my son didn't have kids like that influencing his way of thinking. I can do my bit at home - and I do - but at 10, whose opinion counts more - your mum or your mates?

OP posts:

DeWee · 10/06/2014 14:13

If he counts them as his friends, is it possible that they've asked the children who they want to be with and he has named them.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 10/06/2014 14:16

He named one of them - the one who is absolutely fine on his own but gets pressured to be mean / follows the actions of the others when they are altogether in a group. The rest he definitely didn't name. All his closest friends have been moved to different classes.

OP posts:

CheeryName · 10/06/2014 14:20

I agree with the fact that at a fee paying school you should get to change this, but also with Owlinatree.

EmilyMortimer · 10/06/2014 14:24

Their behaviour sounds awful. Arrogant, in fact. I'd want my child away from them, if there was any chance at all. At 10 & without him having seen the class list you're in with a chance. Please do it. You sound nice.

Who in Jeff's name wants their kids sneering & looking down on other kids, for any reason?

CheeryName · 10/06/2014 14:26

Also - does he get chance to mix with other boys at things like Cubs? That could help him to become more assertive about being himself v fitting in, iyswim.

Original poster

joshandjamie · 10/06/2014 14:30

Cheery - My son plays a cricket and football out of school (sadly one of these kids is in the same football team, we have a welcome escape at cricket). But their school day is so long it doesn't leave much time for other clubs.

Thanks Emily. That's how I feel about their behaviour too.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 10/06/2014 14:32

I wouldn't have the slightest problem requesting this of our school if it was an issue, and it's state...

Why on earth are you happy to pay for an education for your son, yet feel too ambivalent to actually inform them that they're doing something you're unhappy with and requesting it's changed?

saoirse31 · 10/06/2014 14:52

In that case op id go into school and demand he be moved.. or take him out and change school.

The nasty part of me wonders why some pupils in private schools rating money and what you have as being v important suprises anybody...isnt that what the very act of buying a 'better' 'elite' education shows them....

KeinBock · 10/06/2014 15:01

I went to an exclusive fee paying school and the practice of sneering at those girls who didn't have the right house/car/clothes/holidays etc became pretty much de rigueur among those with a bullying bent from the age of about 8-9. Sadly, moving him to the other class is probably unlikely to make much difference. It could even make matters worse.

Hobnobissupersweet · 10/06/2014 15:08

Satirise, at my ds's cricket club the children who go on the most about money and sneer at people poorer than them are those at the local comp, the children who go to various fee paying schools never seem to mention it.

marcopront · 10/06/2014 15:43

I am going to go against the grain here and say maybe you are being unreasonable. You say your son thinks of these boys as friends, so maybe he asked to be with them.

I teach in a private school and we don't release class lists until the first day of term because of such requests.

softlysoftly · 10/06/2014 15:56

In what way was he bullied?

All your posts sounds like he is "influenced" in ways you don't like but where is the bullying? Two very very different things.

Oh fwiw I went private and noone sneered at those less well off. In fact I found I got far more interest/abuse about what people had from my mates who went to state. Not saying some schools aren't like this but not all.

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