to be unhappy about the class my son has been put into?

[joshandjamie]

I am not a parent who complains to the school about things. I get that they have to make the best decisions they can while juggling lots of moving parts. And I don't really think I can complain about this - but I'm not happy about it either.

My 10 year old son has been put into a class for next year with three boys who spent most of this year bullying him. Sadly, he counts these kids as friends despite the bullying which we have thankfully managed to nip in the bud for the most part. He had three of them in his class this year, but the final of one of the quartet is now in the class too, and their behaviour spirals when they are all together as they jostle to be alpha male. Individually, they are ok. It's when they're in a group that the worst of their behaviour comes to the fore.

And it's more than just the previous bullying. These same kids focus on a) what you have i.e. size of your house, how cool your trainers are, what gaming device you play with b) what you look like and c) being in the cool gang/A-team. I hate the way my son is when he hangs out with them. He never used to give a monkey's bum about any of these things - and I believe still wouldn't - if he wasn't surrounded by these kids.

My son lacks confidence and is a bit of a follower, despite us trying to help him see that he is his own person with plenty of good attributes. He will copy what other kids do and say to fit in. I had hoped that they would move him out of this group and put him with 'nicer' boys so that different beliefs rub off on him. But he is stuck once again with kids who pick on people because they don't have the latest iphone, have no sense of healthy competition about grades in class, focusing instead on who's in the A team, and who bully those who don't have what they have.

Would I be unreasonable to flag it with the school? (In my heart, I think it probably is unreasonable but am really not happy with the situation). It's a fee paying school and I hate that he is not getting the best of his education because of a group of kids he's been saddled with.

softly - bullying where they took bets how long into a rugby match he'd be crying, calling him a cry baby, constantly saying mean things to him, purposefully excluding him, doing things like taking one of his shoes and throwing it down from the top of the stairs. Small little things but they added up to a child who was hysterical at one point and refused to go to school. It was flagged with the school who seemed to then squash it and it all died down.

Previously the same four boys picked on one of my son's other friends, pinned him against the wall and started laying into him with fists. When he got away, they followed him and one of them stabbed at his head with a pen. They were then caught red handed, called in by the headmaster and soundly told off. All of them were made to apologise, but one boy refused and told the victim in question that he was going to hire a hit man to get him.

They are very clever about how they do it - almost invariably out of earshot of teachers and they deny it emphatically to their parents who seem to believe their kids are little angels and must have been provoked in some way.

I have emailed the names of these four boys to the school when my son was having issues and I know the mum of the other boy emailed the same four names to the school. So why they thought it was a good idea to put all four of them together in the same class is anyone's guess.

Anyway, all that said, I have asked my son what he thinks of the list. He is torn. Not keen to be with the boys but is really happy with the teacher he has got and has said that he is prepared to put up with those boys/play with others if it means getting this particular teacher.

So I shall just have to sit back and see what happens. I won't raise it with the school but if they start up the bullying next year, I am going to get my angry eyes in.

You can certainly ask, and give your reasons, but most schools spend a long time sorting out class lists, taking all sorts of factors into account, and if they move your son someone else will have to be moved to accommodate him, and so it begins. We don't release class lists until the end of term for this reason.

Just in case the school won't help it's worth remembering that friendship groups can change very quickly at this age as can children's maturity. I have know plenty of horrers mature into perfectly nice kids.
I think your main focus should be to work on your sons behaviour and confidence. Being easily led is a really undesirable quality as kids get older.
Anyway, I hope it works out ok.

From the post you have just written I can't help but wonder why you are paying for a school which sounds as if it does nothing to stop bullying.
I would want much more than a sound telling off for the attack you have described, and what happened to the boy who wouldn't apologise?

Before I got to the end of your post I was going to ask if it was a fee-paying school - purely because it sounds just like a fee-paying school I taught at. I'm sorry you son is going through this and you should definitely bring it up with the head of year/head of school just don't necessarily expect anything to be done about it if it is the same or similar as the culture of bullying was ingrained up to SMT level

Thanks sorry for asking but I think the leading astray, while not nice, is a red herring and something that you can only try to deal with by enforcing correct messaging at home rather than trying to control friendship groups which is nigh on impossible feel very sorry for my parents in hindsight

I think that in a fee paying school i'd be ignoring his wishes and requesting that they split the boys classes to disrupt the bad influence they have on each other. I am also shocked at how badly they have managed the bullying behaviour especially as they have such flexibility compared to state.

I think bullying is harder for private schools to deal with.

As the 4 boys in question have fee paying parents too, who might go in to complain if the friends are split up!

IME, therefore schools rarely consider parent requests about moving their kids in, or out, with certain other kids.

They can't please everyone.

At our school kids are not moved. The end. If there is bullying or friendship issues, the school deals with it.

IMO, a bit of annoying behaviour is normal with all kids, and even a bit of bullying is part of life. If it becomes systematic you'd expect the school to step in strong.

At this age, i think you can't control their friendship groups.

My DS (9) wants to be friends with 2 popular bullies who tease him, make him cry and include, then exclude him.

He has learned the hard way to stop trying to be friends with these boys. I have gone into the school and complained when it went too far (and when DS wanted me to step in) but the day to day low level annoying things like excluding him, you can't stop. You can only teach your children to deal with these kind of people (ignore and walk away, if they overstep the mark get help).

It is quite a valuable life lesson.

I don't think kids' friendship groups can be micromanaged at this age.

Just give him reassurance at home though, about his choices.