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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think only really daft people or those with loose morals fall for the I've got a wife/gf but we are not getting on let's start dating

74 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 21:40

But please don't tell anyone?

And that no matter what if you are going on dates with someone before they break up with their partner then the person you are dating is cheating and you are condoning cheating?

Just had the strangest conversation with a friend (who I'm about to cease considering a friend)

OP posts:
Objection · 10/06/2014 09:26

Meh, I'd be judging the cheater far far more.

pictish · 10/06/2014 09:29

Hmmm...while I certainly wouldn't consider entering into a relationship with a married/attached man who uttered such spraff (and never have), I don't think some women who do are 'daft' as such...I think a better word would be 'naive'.

Not everyone is a hatchet faced, distrustful cynic like me...and let's face it it...we all know liars and cheats work hard to be utterly convincing.

pictish · 10/06/2014 09:32

Of course, some just don't give a flying fuck in the face of their self interest.
I know that.
But some people are talked up a treat.

Purpleroxy · 10/06/2014 09:33

But the OP's friend is the OW, not the cheater. It isn't a case of judging him, he's pretty irrelevant to the OP's friendship with the OW.

Anyway OP, I'd just ditch the friend.

whatever5 · 10/06/2014 09:45

I think the "recently separated" lie is quite common although the cheater will usually be "staying with friend" rather than renting somewhere.

MorrisZapp · 10/06/2014 09:53

Blaming women for the lies men tell, awesome.

These threads always end up full of rank misogyny along the lines of 'never mind, he'll cheat on her too, then she'll learn!' Etc.

Placing the man as the prize, and the women he mucks aabout as the bad guys, despite the women being single and the man being the one who has made commitments elsewhere.

On this issue, MN will always be in the 1950s.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 10:12

Blaming women for falling for the old cliches is not the same as saying they are responsible for the lying

If someone lies to you, you choose to believe or not. It doesn't make the liar tell lies in the first place

People are responsible for their own behaviour only, and believing everything that a man who wants to get into your knickers is naive, and ridiculous behaviour on it's own account

Mrsjayy · 10/06/2014 10:23

My friend was having sex with a guy she told him she was seperated but still living in the house people willsay anything to get sex and attention and saps believe them not my friend anymore she tokd her husband she was going to my caravan for the weekend

TheWordFactory · 10/06/2014 10:28

I think if a man says he's separated, but doesn't want anyone to know he's dating again, you'd be suspicious...

If a man says he's separated but still living at home with his family because [insert nonsense of choice], then you'd know what sort of man he was...

It will end up that the man never actually does leave his wife and family, or if he does, that he's a sad sack who is weak and was always hedging his bets. No woman wants to end up with such a man!

Deliaskis · 10/06/2014 10:50

Hmmm... a lot of the time though this is just people with low self esteem, unlucky in love, and a bit sad and lonely. I have a friend who has been seeing a married man for 2 years, and I have kind of backed off from the friendship because of it, but now she is upduffed and he is suddenly keen on giving things a go with his wife. They did the 'star-crossed lovers'/meant for each other thing, and she was utterly deceived. It's all very well to say things like 'have little self-respect' etc but is usually said by people who already have it.

Yes it was stupid, naive etc. But I can't help feeling sorry for her now, she is having his baby and has to make that work somehow, on her own. He on the other hand is just a serial philanderer. I'm mad at her for being daft, but more mad at him for being utterly morally bankrupt.

Dx

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/06/2014 11:14

Blaming women for the lies men tell, awesome

I would like to make it perfectly clear that if the man involved in this situation was my friend then my op would have been titled "AIBU to think he's a cunt and want to cease being his friend"

Fwiw when the father of my child was behaving like that I held him and him alone responsible even going so far as taking the other woman to the clap clinic to get tested (I was going anyway she did not drive)

OP posts:
deakymom · 10/06/2014 11:53

what if the wife agrees they are split up?

MorrisZapp · 10/06/2014 12:51

Well we'll never agree on this AF. If women have to take responsibility for filtering the lies of men rather than the liar himself being solely responsible then that is just pure sexism.

Yet another age old way of making women the moral gatekeepers of sex.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 15:27

No, we will never agree on this, MZ. Many, many threads say so Smile

I think we misunderstand each other somewhere along the line though, but I cannot put my finger on I (yet)

In this age of computer access, education about what constitutes a good relationship and countless dysfunctional ones played out via the medium of soap operas, there is little excuse left for falling for the tired ole cliches

Unless you overlook them for some reason of your own for a myriad of different reasons which would take a whole other thread to explore

Cheaters will carry on trotting out the same old guff for as long as there are people willing to swallow it

Take responsibility for yourself, I say

SoleSource · 10/06/2014 16:10

I was with a separated guy, everybody knew, his Wife and his children for over one year. They divorced as his Wife had cheated on him, I saw all the paperwork and process and then he went of with someone else and they are still together. Using bastard :(

Bogeyface · 10/06/2014 16:20

I think AF isnt saying that women are responsible for believing what a man tells them. But they do have some responsibility to themselves to make sure that the man is trustworthy enough to be believed.

If a man told me he was seperated but for some reason couldnt see me at weekend, Xmas etc, went on holiday with his family "for the kids sake" etc then that would immediately say to me that he wasnt infact separated and I would dump him.

I would do bit of basic googling on men after a couple of dates and encourage everyone to do the same. I would do it because thats how my lone parent friend found out the the man she was seeing was actually a habitual coke user who was happy to shag around after getting a nose full and was too thick to make his FB page private!

Bogeyface · 10/06/2014 16:21

Sorry first sentence makes no sense! AF isnt saying that women are responsible for believe a man if he later turns out to have been lying to them.

AnyFucker · 10/06/2014 19:07

I can't seem to make much sense either, Bogey. What I posted on my phone this afternoon is barely intelligible Smile

MrsAlexVause · 10/06/2014 19:11

My friend is seeing someone who's in a relationship. Apparently it's the womans fault for not giving him sex enough. Of course it is. Hmm

Weathergames · 10/06/2014 19:17

Anthea Turner.

That is all.

EllaFitzgerald · 10/06/2014 20:54

Just to balance things out a little, I have a friend who has been seeing a married woman. She's a serial cheat and has had affairs with several people he knows, but he truly believes he's different and that they'll be living together as soon as this happens, or that happens. The husband has found out about the affair, as he has with all of those that came before, and has tried to patch things up.

They had a bit of a row recently because my friend found out that she'd gone on what she described as a dirty weekend with her husband and my friend was calling him all the names under the sun for what he described as cheating with his girlfriend! Absolutely no comprehension that he was the OM and he was stunned that I was horrified at his attitude.

Irrespective of gender, cheaters are selfish arses. There is absolutely no excuse for not finishing one relationship before you start another.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 11/06/2014 02:04

what if the wife agrees they are split up?

Well if both parties in the original relationship agree they are no longer a couple then both parties are both single so it would not be an issue.

In the situation I'm talking about, both members of the original couple agreed they were up until a few days ago a couple,the male member of the couple told the new girlfriend that he already had a partner but they were not getting on. The new girlfriend(my previous friend) in her strange way of looking at things decided that to her this meant he was single and fair game and in her words is a really decent person who does not condone cheating and wouldn't involve herself in that and apparently her recent actions do not count.

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 11/06/2014 06:48

Deliaskis, if it wasn't such an age-old story I would think we knew the same person.

Women with healthy self-esteem and solid morals will tell the lying cheat to fuck off. Women who are lonely and have shit self-esteem and are desperate for any scrap of attention and affection will choose to believe his lies.

KoalaDownUnder · 11/06/2014 06:49

(By 'women', I mean the 'other women' who are being sucked in by married men.)

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