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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think only really daft people or those with loose morals fall for the I've got a wife/gf but we are not getting on let's start dating

74 replies

NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 21:40

But please don't tell anyone?

And that no matter what if you are going on dates with someone before they break up with their partner then the person you are dating is cheating and you are condoning cheating?

Just had the strangest conversation with a friend (who I'm about to cease considering a friend)

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 22:29

AnyFucker

I see your very good relationship advice all the time, I'm likely to be seeing the ex next week is there anything you can think of that I could suggest to support her should she broach the subject with me,anything I really shouldn't say that sort of thing as I'm hopeless with that sort of thing.

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Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 22:32

I think it depends on whether the person who says it is married and/or has children

How come? I can't even imagine any circumstances where a bloke saying he had a girlfriend then asking me to go on a date and jump up and down on his knob would result in me doing so, married kids or not.

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sunshinecity17 · 09/06/2014 22:37

In the interests of balance , I have to say sometimes it does end well.And I know at least 3 couples who are testament to this.

Bogeyface · 09/06/2014 22:40

sunshine yes sometimes it does. But I rather doubt it will in this case, not least because the ex hinted to the OP that he has been violent. So a violent, lying, cheating and cruel man has now managed to find another victim. It will not end well, even if they stay together forever.

ChelsyHandy · 09/06/2014 22:44

Desperate, I think. If you have lots of choices, why would you pick the sleazy one? If you don't have any choice, some people might take whats available.

jellybeans · 09/06/2014 22:48

YANBU

Selfish vile people.

IneedAwittierNickname · 09/06/2014 22:56

Yanbu.
My ex left me for a woman who knew he had a fiancee and 2 young dc. But it was ok.as he told her we weren't getting on.

Shame no one told.me we weren't getting on, stupid idiot that I am thught him wanting to try for another baby meant we were!

KateSpade · 09/06/2014 23:00

I always think if they've done it to someone they've been with for years/had children with/bought a house with, what makes you think it's going to be any different with you?

Now the but it is different/were made for each other/his wife was horrible responses are naive!

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 23:16

Difficult one, sock, for you to be seeing the dumped woman. I certainly wouldn't be sharing anything you have learned directly from the OW. Be careful you don't end up as some bizarre go-between, sharing shit and gossip all around. You cannot remain friends with both women, but I don't think you want to.

I would ask if there anything she needed, practically. Someone to watch the kids while she gets legal advice or simply has a kip, some meals cooked for her, some housework to keep her environment not looking like a shit tip while she struggles with stuff, a signpost to Mumsnet ?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/06/2014 23:23

I think it's naive to fall for it, and extremely likely to be damaging in the long (or not so long) run. And I do think some people pretend to believe things they know are lies.

That said, it's the person who cheats on their partner who is primarily at fault. It's notgood to sleep with somone who pulls the 'we're separated pending divorce' routine, but it's much worse to pull that routine!

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 23:29

No chance of me becoming a go between at all if the new girlfriend ever contacts me again she will be told on no uncertain terms to fuck the fuck off, I may not have a boyfriend but I do have children and cats don't want to run the risk of her deciding my cat and I are not getting on just incase she steals it or one of the children!

I'm embarrassed to even admit I know the other woman I always thought I was quite a good judge of who was decent and who wasn't.

I was thinking along those lines as well practical stuff I'm very good with and a signpost to here is brilliant I know she would find that helpful, I may even point her in the direction of woman's aid as well and the children's legal centre.

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Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 23:34

LRD I quite agree he is far more at fault than anybody else. The only reason why I'm not trashing him is because I've always known he's a shit so his actions are not so much of a surprise to me.

Tbh the separated pending divorce thing I can understand (if you know its a genuine separation) but not the very obvious I am in a relationship lets start another one then when I've decided you are a good shag I will ditch my partner.

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AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 23:36

< ahem > you don't sound remotely "hopeless with this sort of thing" Smile

you can't make it right with a few words, unfortunately

whatever5 · 09/06/2014 23:41

How come? I can't even imagine any circumstances where a bloke saying he had a girlfriend then asking me to go on a date and jump up and down on his knob would result in me doing so, married kids or not.

I don't think that men usually say they have a girlfriend and then ask to go on a date and jump up and down on their knob though do they?

Someone who is married and/or has children is obviously in a serious committed relationship. That's not necessarily the case if they just have a "girlfriend."

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/06/2014 23:41

Sorry, didn't mean at all to come across as lecturing you, needs! Blush

I was just thinking out loud.

oohdaddypig · 09/06/2014 23:42
  1. Thick 2. Naive 3. Selfish

But above all, thick.

I can't be arsed picking up the pieces when it falls apart.

It's so predictable, it's boring. Including in the case of the idiot woman who thought it would work out with my cheating father.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 23:44

Grin seriously AnyFucker when my own husband left my best friend phoned to be sympathetic my response was "what on earth are you blathering about,do you fancy a Nandos" I'm really really rubbish at feelings stuff.

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Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 09/06/2014 23:46

You didn't come across like that at all LRD

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/06/2014 23:47

Good! Just checking. Smile

Icimoi · 09/06/2014 23:48

I've known a number of examples of this, and have always been gobsmacked at the sort of lies and crap that some women will put up with. Friend 1 had a long relationship with her married employer, who kept telling her he wanted to marry her but fed her astonishingly blatant lies as to alleged legal reasons why he couldn't divorce his wife: her brother was a lawyer who told her it was utter bollocks, but she still preferred to believe the boyfriend - till he got tired of her and dumped her.

Friend 2 had a relationship with a married man for 20 flaming years. Again, he was a positive fount of excuses as to why he couldn't get divorced just yet, but next year, for sure ... She was desperate to have her own family and basically lost her chance to do so because of this piece of scum.

And friend 3 was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship with another married charmer who carried on seeing her all the way through his divorce, and all the way through his engagement and marriage to another woman.

I felt awful for all three of them, and I think in all three cases there were elements of a massive lack of self-confidence. But in all three cases they were told by numerous other friends that they were hurting other women and that the men involved were going to cheat on them in the same way as they were cheating on their wives, and they still carried on regardless.

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 23:50

Nando's might work for some people Smile

KeepOnPloddingOn · 10/06/2014 07:04

My mil has moved not one, not two, but 3 married men in. All left her and went back to their families. Silly cow. Karma always prevails. Say that to he ex when you see her :) the ole' karma line always lifts me spirits when I have been wronged!

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/06/2014 08:40

Do you struggle to even bat an eyelid at any distress she talks about when they do go back keepon

I would greatly struggle to stop myself saying well what did you expect how exactly do you think his wife felt

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Fleta · 10/06/2014 09:09

I just can't understand why anybody would fall for that crap

I dated a married man for 6 months before I found out. I wasn't stupid, he was just very clever.

He said upfront he was newly separated, that it wasn't a trial but she was still contacting him. There were children involved but they were older (his son was ame age as me).

He was incredibly upfront and open about everything. I still lived at home so we always went to his palce - I saw him 2/3 times a week. I had no reason to doubt him because he was open - I knew him when he was married and it was well documented that he was having marriage problems.

It turned out he wasn't separated at all, "his place" was a rental he had and he was telling his wife that he was staying there and doing it up.

Original poster
NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/06/2014 09:24

fleta

That must have been very upsetting for you, but I'm not meaning people who get lied to, I mean the ones who know because the perspective partner told them that they are in a relationship (no we are separated or anything like that).

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