Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hook-gate - is this downright odd behaviour from DH?

138 replies

printmeanicephoto · 09/06/2014 17:44

DH is a rigid black and whitetype of guy.

Apologies - I know the following is trivial but it really pissed me off.

Yesterday he brushed passed some coats that were on the vertical bannister pole thingy at the bottom of the stairs (I think it's called a newel post) and knocked off my coat accidently onto the floor. He carried on walking past and didn't pick it up. When I asked him to pick it up he said no, that he had provided more hooks in the porch 2 years ago for coats so if I choose to put it on the newel post and it got accidentally knocked off (by him) then no he wasn't going to pick it up.

He said he saw it as a contract - he'd provided more hooks 2 years ago, and if I chose not to put the coat in the correct place then if it got knocked off then it was tough. He then admitted that he'd been taking this type of approach for years about all sorts of things. I never knew and have been wondering why I often end up picking up things unexpectedly off the floor (I assumed kids had knocked them off and then lied that it wasn't them!!).

He also said that he adopted this approach out of respect for me (!?!!). Because if he was to pick the coat up then he would feel that he was treating me like a kid, and so our relationship would be unequal.

Everything he does is linked to an underlying principle, so this behaviour is not borne out of laziness (he is not at all lazy - the opposite) - he will have thought it through!

I can not for the life of me understand this odd approach. It seems a bit passive aggressive / aspergery to me. I guess it does have some strange logic to it, but it's not really in the spirit of marital team work!

AIBU?

OP posts:
PomeralLights · 09/06/2014 18:16

Are you sure - hand on heart - that he hasn't mentioned this before, in a measured way, which you may have..... ignored? Why did the additional hooks go up in the first place? Was it something like this:
DH 'please stop putting your coat(s) on the newel post I find it annoying and untidy'
You 'there aren't enough hooks in the hall'
DH 'I'm happy to hang more, how many do you need?'
You 'well two of my coats are on the newel post now so I guess two'
If it was like this, then he was finding it annoying, spoke to you about it, tried to provide you with a solution which you ignored. Now he's at the end of his annoyance threshold with it
Is this possible?

p.s. anyone else seen the 'blender cleaning' thread today where someone swore blind men aren't bothered by petty things like this which is why they rule the world HAHA

OwlCapone · 09/06/2014 18:20

If your coat is on the newel post, then that means either it was wet or there wasn't room on the hooks

Or the OP can't be arsed to hang it where it's meant to go.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2014 18:20

I don't see what he thinks you or he gain from this. Well, apart from a possible sneaky satisfaction. But you say it's likely he thought it through.

You could - you know, I can't even think of a comparable situation tbh. It's not something you want to develop into a tit-for-tat.

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse · 09/06/2014 18:20

Meh; no different to the clothes must be in the basket if you want them washing rule

DoItTooJulia · 09/06/2014 18:21

What a cock.

Insufferable way to live (for you).

AveryJessup · 09/06/2014 18:23

He sounds like a weirdo. Very passive-aggressive way to behave. If he has ishoos with stuff going in the wrong place, the grown-up thing to do is just say 'can we all make sure we hang our coats up on the hooks I put up?'. Or if you are a repeat offender then 'it drives me nuts when you leave your bloody coat on that bannister - can you not just use the hooks?'.

It all sounds a little bit 'Sleeping with the Enemy' leaving secret messages and trying to control you like that. Weird.

CSIJanner · 09/06/2014 18:23

Owl - true as well. Then the question raised is has he mentioned it before and if so for how long? As he's been thinking through his argument a lot,,,

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2014 18:23

he'd been taking this type of approach for years about all sorts of things.

Like what I wonder? .

DunRoman · 09/06/2014 18:24

does he have Aspergers?

Joysmum · 09/06/2014 18:24

What's wrong with putting the coat where it should live and not in the way. I'm with him, I'm pissed off with compensating for the thoughtlessness of others.

tallulah · 09/06/2014 18:24

Oh dear. I'm in a constant battle with DH over this. We have a number of coat hooks so he hangs his coat on the newel post every time he comes in (and kicks off his shoes behind the door so the door won't open).

Every day I move his bloody coat from post to hooks. It drives me demented.

Yours has gone about it in an odd way, but I feel his pain. Grin

MoonRover · 09/06/2014 18:26

I think you should arbitrarily do/not do stuff and then invent a ludicrous reason for your bonkers behaviour.

Also, and assuming he had some say in your choice of home, he chose to live somewhere with a newel post, which many people use for putting coats on, and taking into account what is common and reasonable behaviour, he entered into a contract when the mortgage was agreed/rental contract signed, that the home and all things therein should be used in a usual manner. Therefore he should stop being a bitch and hang up your fucking coat.

minniebar · 09/06/2014 18:34

You actually have sex with this man??

odyssey2001 · 09/06/2014 18:39

I'm siding with your husband. Everything has a place and there is a place for everything. However, i'm a touch OCD at times.

BUT, your husband seems unreasonable not to have mentioned it two years ago so that you were both on the same page all along.

CSIJanner · 09/06/2014 18:44

Hold on - just reread the OP. HE's been doing this for years and you've just been finding random things on the floor, blaming the children. And he hasn't spoken to you about this - just expected you to learn.

I take it back. He's not acting like a tit. He's a twat.

Gen35 · 09/06/2014 18:45

I'm with moonrover, the only way to respond to this kind of pettiness is in kind although you could end up with an escalation of twattery! Honestly, he's behaving exactly like a patronising dad figure.

FunkyBoldRibena · 09/06/2014 18:48

When you say he has taken this approach about all sorts of things, what things. Surely he doesn't expect EVERYTHING in the house to be hung on two hooks?

starfishmummy · 09/06/2014 18:49

I thought newel posts were made to have coats hung from them....

JassyRadlett · 09/06/2014 18:55

Is he, in fact, seven?

Firstly, it's hugely passive aggressive. TALK ABOUT STUFF, OP's husband.

Secondly, why does he get to decide where coats are allowed to be kept? Does he have a Coat Monitor badge? You should make him one for Father's Day.

PomeralLights · 09/06/2014 18:55

I'm just finding it hard to believe he's never mentioned the things that annoy him before, that this has been going on for two years and he's doesn't say anything. Maybe he never directly told you he knocked your coat on the floor etc, just pointed out maybe that if you put things in a place where they're likely to get knocked over then they will? Does he have a tendency to be a bit naggy OP? You saying that it's a bit aspergery sounds exactly like the kind of thing the 'relaxed' partner says to the 'uptight' partner.... the 'uptight' partner of course being the one who's expected to tidy up and put things in their bloody place all the bloody time.... :p

I'll admit it's more common that the women is the nagger and this smacks a little of a reverse

MrsRuffdiamond · 09/06/2014 18:56

YANBU

However, although I do hang jackets on the newel post (will use this instead of bannister knob, in future), I hang them properly, and it drives me insane when dh hangs his jackets there UPSIDE DOWN! I.e. he hangs the bottom hem of the jacket over the knob, and leaves the sleeves dangling down. How odd is that? IADNBU.

LettertoHerms · 09/06/2014 18:57

Really passive aggressive, but I don't think he's really in the wrong, your coat is in the wrong place.

In fact I'm pretty sure if you came in and posted, "My DH always leaves his coat on the post, it always gets in the way and ends up getting knocked to the floor, then I have to pick it up and put it in the right place. I installed more hooks, but he keeps putting his coat on the post. WWYD, I'm tired of picking up after him."

You'd get a lot of repsonses of, "Leave the coat on the floor, he's not your child, you're not his maid, don't pick up after him."

parentalunit · 09/06/2014 18:58

As annoyed as you are by his behaviour, he is clearly as annoyed if not more by yours! Why else would he have thought this through to such a degree? or is he really that anally retentive?

Hang your coats up, it's not much effort to keep the peace. Try to keep your eyes on the prize...the marriage not the coats.

SybilRamkin · 09/06/2014 19:04

This is really odd. Has he asked you in the past not to put your coat there? If he's repeatedly asked you not to do it and you keep doing it then I can get where he's coming from, but if he's never mentioned it before (or only once) then it's very peculiar indeed!

evertonmint · 09/06/2014 19:10

What lettertoherms says. He's being a bit twattish, but really why should he pick up after you? And why should he keep having to tell you every time this happens given he actually bothered to provide a sensible place for the coats some time ago?

If my DH doesn't put laundry in the basket, it doesn't get washed. I don't remind him to put his jeans in cos I'm doing a darks wash or whatever. If he can't be arsed to put it in the right place, that's his fault. He's an adult, it's up to him to sort it out. You're an adult. If your coat keeps getting knocked over it's up to you to sort it out.

Your DH is being a little bit ridiculous in the way he is talking to you about it, but your coat falling over repeatedly is not his problem to solve particularly given he has already provided a solution!

Swipe left for the next trending thread