To not want to go on a free holiday with PIL?

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

Dh's parents live in SE England and we live in Scotland, so we don't see each other often. We are not especially close; we have very different political and social views and they are quite critical of dh which annoys me. They are good grandparents however and the dc are very fond of them so we've always tried to accomodate their visits, even if it is sometimes awkward between the adults.

Mil has phoned and suggested we all go on holiday in the October week and pil will pay. We cannot go on holiday abroad ourselves as dh is being made redundant after only six months at this job so abroad is not possible, but we are having a week in a caravan at Ayr next month which is already paid for so we are getting a break.

I think it is a bad idea; I dont think pil should pay what is realistically going to be two to three grand for five persons for a week unless they get the holiday they want, which is likely to be lots of drinking, late nights, and staying in the hotel next to the pool all day. The kids are likely to want to do the opposite, up early, beach, days out, bed after dinner as they are only six, five and three. Managing the difference in expectations is likely to be my job as dh is not as good as me at keeping everyone happy.

I've been very ill with a neurological condition and will be reducing steroid dose and taking immunosuppressants, so I am dreading the thought of managing everything. I also feel guilty about pil paying for a holiday given that we aren't very close. At the same time I know they must want to go away with their grandchildren but I think they have a rose tinted view of the relationship and a week away with the kids is likely to be harder than they think!

I have left the final decision on whether we go up to dh, but wibu to say I'd prefer it if we left it until the dcs were older and my health was better, and is there a risk pil will be offended if we turn them down? Or should i let it go ahead but make it clear to dh he has to keep everyone happy as I might be too unwell to be the Disney Fairy?

Your dh isn't a babysitter, he's a parent so yes, he should be doing whatever he can to ease the burden on you. With regards to different types of holidays then surely you would be able to do your own thing 2 or 3 days out of the week

Don't go at all unless your DH is willing to: (i) talk frankly to PIL now about your needs, the children's needs and how you all will need things to be; (ii) get their agreement to whatever that is; and (iii) commit to doing his bit to make things go smoothly instead of leaving it to you (dh is not as good as me at keeping everyone happy i.e. learn to be as good as you at keeping everyone happy).

Really, you have to be very open with them. If it is clear you aren't really on the same page, thank them for the offer, which is a very kind one, and ask if you could postpone for a couple of years.

We've done the with PILs many times and if there's a pool it's totally possible to please everyone. The PIL sit by the side and read, you DH and the kids play in the pool. It may not be exactly what your kids would specifically pick but it's better than being in the rain at home.
You can get up early with the kids and morning short outings allowing the PILs to lie in.
It takes a little adjusting but it can be fun!
Hope you're feeling better soon.

we've always declined to go away with PIL (at their expense) for the exact same reasons. They like a villa in the middle of nowhere, late nights drinking, lazing round the pool all day (at least one year they only left the villa to go the supermarket). We are forced by dd2 like to get up early, and then go out and about for the day.

DH and I can see that it wouldn't work, they can't, and are a teeny bit offended that we say no. I have promised that we'll go when the DC are older and that kind of holiday might suit them better.

I think your DH needs to have a talk with his parents, starting conversation by thanking your PIL for what is a very generous offer but then outlining your concerns that they will not have the kind of holiday they usually enjoy. Is is possible that the PIL have realised that they won't be able to have their usual sort of holiday with DGC along, i.e. they might have to get up earlier, go out and about and have earlier meals, etc but are happy and prepared for this?

Thank you everyone.

I bet dh would promise to do more if we went away but due to my illness I can be quite controlling and anxious, so even if he does I might still feel he isn't doing things right when in fact he is, just not doing them the way I would.

I also think he feels quite judged by his parents, the tend to undermine his parenting (I think they are just being good and fun, not malicious), but they don't do that with me so it is easier for me.

Presumably they can also tell the relationship is strained? If so this sounds like an olive branch, offered with the best of intetnions - they know your DH is being made redundant, they know you're unwell, they love the grandchildren, so if you do refuse, ensure they know how grateful you are for the offer, even if it sticks in your throat!

Before turning it down though, DH could try and see if there was a middle ground - a secluded villa but with attractions easily accessible. He would need to make clear though that your health comes first and that your family will want to do your own thing for some/most of the time. I'd be relucatant to go without these ground rules being mentioned first.

Kamer we've been on a caravanning holiday together and pil have no awareness of what kids like or need. Fil wanders off randomly when we are on days out and has to be found before we can move on, they like eating at the same places and made us walk miles to get back to a specific Wotherspoons because it was familiar, refused to go for lunch because they had made sandwiches (but we hadn't and there weren't enough for everyone!)

They don't do it on purpose but are a bit set in their ways and their ways are not child friendly!

send dh with the dc so you get a break.
let dh and PILs manage the DC.

Burtreynolds thank you, I will make sure if dh does accept he talks through this.

cestlavie that is so tempting

I was going to suggest what C'est said :)

Using your examples above, being completely realistic, could you see yourselves (you and DH):

(i) moving on without FIl and letting him catch you up;

(ii) letting them walk back to Wetherspoons and eating somewhere else with the children;

(iii) going to lunch without them?

Because if not it won't work, whatever your DH says to them. Extended family holidays only work with quite a lot of flexibility and, paradoxically, splitting up to do your own thing built into them.

They'd probably all love it and you'd get a break... Worth giving some thought to.

I personally think I'd rather stay at home in the rain than go on holiday with PILs.

You say NO. Why are you leaving it up to him, when you will be the one doing all the work?

Or yeah, send him with the kids.

Going on holidays together doesn't mean everyone has to go around in one big group all of the time. You or dh could take the children to the beach while PILs are sitting by the pool, you could go for a couple of drinks together in the evening and then you or dh could leave to put the children to bed etc.
It might work as long as you choose a location that offers a few different alternatives.

Yanbu. I hate going on holiday with anyone other than my dh and children. Pil would be extremely low down on the list of who I would go away with.

My ddad brought up the subject once, of him and my stepmother taking us all to the campsite in the South of France they used to go to when my half siblings were much younger. I think he was really surprised when I just made the subject go away by refusing to talk about it.

Its so presumptious of your pil to think you might even contemplate it! Gah, I'm getting myself worked up now but joint holidays are one of my ultimate horrors!

Denzel no, they assume we want to do what they do which is what makes it dificult to be assertive and say 'Actually no, that doesn't suit us.' I am concerned if they pay for the holiday that would make it even more difficult for me to be assertive as it would feel very ungrateful.

On that note, thank you everyone for being so nice, I was expecting to be called an ungrateful cow by everyone who doesn't get offered a holiday by their pil, especially on AIBU!

Whilst not for the same reasons, I have lots of issues with going on holiday with my FIL. It's the only way we can have a holiday and the kids love it, but I spend about 6 weeks after the holiday trying to train the children out of all the stupid habits, irritating songs and rude sounding words FIL has taught them. The holiday plus the weeks that follow are so stressful for me, that even though the kids love it, the free holiday just isn't worth the aggro. I sympathise. Sounds like sending your DH off with the children could be an option though!

"You can get up early with the kids and morning short outings allowing the PILs to lie in."

don't do this! Declare loudly every night that you are really looking forward to getting a proper lie-in and end the kids into the PIL's room to jump on the beds and badger them to get up.

Is it not possible for them to stay by the pool & you, husband & kids to get out & about sometimes?

You wouldn't all have to do everything together all the time.

Crucially, do you like them enough to spend a week with with?

I couldn't be paid to spend a week with my Ils!

Summerbreezing is correct. Why do people assume that going on holiday with other people mean that you have to be in each other's pockets all the time?

If you stayed in a hotel or aparthotel then you, your OH and children can get up early and breakfast early. The ILs can get up and breakfast when it suits them. You can all do your own things during the day and perhaps eat together at night.

If you stay in a self catering apartment it would be better to book two separate apartments than one big one to share.

OH doesn't always like dong the same things as DD and I do, so we often spend a day apart on holiday. This year DD and I went on a bus trip one day and OH went for a long walk.

I don't think pil should pay what is realistically going to be two to three grand for five persons for a week unless they get the holiday they want

It might be worth checking that this is what they have in mind. My PIL took us on holiday last year and I had some of the same concerns. Initially I told MIL that it was a lovely and very generous offer, but we didn't feel we could accept as the sort of holiday that our 2 young DC and slightly older DSC would enjoy would probably not be the sort of holiday they would enjoy. In the end we agreed that what everyone all wanted was for the DC to have a fun week away and for them to make lots of lovely memories with their grandparents. The key was lots of forward planning and managing expectations.

It was in no way a 'holiday' for me as MIL has health problems and FIL is not very hands on with children, but I expected that. We worked out a plan at the start of the week as PIL are not usually very good at planning ahead and whole days can be lost faffing and changing plans, which was a massive concern for me. It worked well. I was also concerned that there would be lots of times when everyone would bugger off and do their own thing leaving me, by default, to entertain 3 children alone. However, I stressed this was a concern before we agreed to go and it didn't happen (I used nicer words of course, something along the lines of it's hard to safely keep 3 children of different ages entertained when I am alone, with few toys and in a place I don't know very well, it's not like looking after them all at home)

Your situation is different in that it is you with the health problems, so you'd need to be very satisfied that you will have hands on support from at least your DH, but it could, in theory at least, be achieved.

The criticism of your parenting is a bigger concern though, especially if the children pick up on it.

Pil want to spend lots of time with us, that's why they want to go away. I think they'd be hurt if we went off without them even for a short time, which is one of the reasons it will be more awkward, I agree if we could all do our own thing it would work better.

diddl no, I don't really want to spend a week with them no! We have polar opposite views on everything, mil got me alone last time to warn me that the school had told ds1 it was ok for boys to kiss boys and saying I should have words with them. I had told ds1 it was ok when he asked me what gay meant and we talked about relationships, I didn't have the heart to tell her.