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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go on a free holiday with PIL?

51 replies

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 09/06/2014 12:41

Dh's parents live in SE England and we live in Scotland, so we don't see each other often. We are not especially close; we have very different political and social views and they are quite critical of dh which annoys me. They are good grandparents however and the dc are very fond of them so we've always tried to accomodate their visits, even if it is sometimes awkward between the adults.

Mil has phoned and suggested we all go on holiday in the October week and pil will pay. We cannot go on holiday abroad ourselves as dh is being made redundant after only six months at this job so abroad is not possible, but we are having a week in a caravan at Ayr next month which is already paid for so we are getting a break.

I think it is a bad idea; I dont think pil should pay what is realistically going to be two to three grand for five persons for a week unless they get the holiday they want, which is likely to be lots of drinking, late nights, and staying in the hotel next to the pool all day. The kids are likely to want to do the opposite, up early, beach, days out, bed after dinner as they are only six, five and three. Managing the difference in expectations is likely to be my job as dh is not as good as me at keeping everyone happy.

I've been very ill with a neurological condition and will be reducing steroid dose and taking immunosuppressants, so I am dreading the thought of managing everything. I also feel guilty about pil paying for a holiday given that we aren't very close. At the same time I know they must want to go away with their grandchildren but I think they have a rose tinted view of the relationship and a week away with the kids is likely to be harder than they think!

I have left the final decision on whether we go up to dh, but wibu to say I'd prefer it if we left it until the dcs were older and my health was better, and is there a risk pil will be offended if we turn them down? Or should i let it go ahead but make it clear to dh he has to keep everyone happy as I might be too unwell to be the Disney Fairy?

OP posts:

IvyBeagle · 09/06/2014 14:13

I would suggest a holiday in the UK, Center Parks for example. If its awful go home :)

pianodoodle · 09/06/2014 14:32

Fil wanders off randomly when we are on days out and has to be found before we can move on

That would be enough in itself for me to not go

YANBU I would decline.

fragolino · 09/06/2014 14:34

I loathe my pils and for that reason wouldnt care who or what paid but still wouldnt go,

however if you do and your DH gets on with them, why not.

Its a shame at their age if they really want to spend some money on a nice holiday....let them, its one weasly week.

I can imagine saying to my DH as GP..." poor bla bla has been ill, dh made redundant, lets treat them, and help with teh kids and take them away...."

if i had any inheritenace to leave to DC I would love to see some of it being spent whilst I was alive

fragolino · 09/06/2014 14:36

coffee so what, lots of older people have entrenched views.

maybe she isnt even homophobic but feels its too young to be exposing children to the menu of sexual varities?

anyway, not good enough reason not to go away

DenzelWashington · 09/06/2014 14:39

Well, unless you and DH are prepared to boss them, it sounds like a really bad idea.

I've done the extended family holiday thing once with my parents, DSIS and BIL. There was an issue with my mother expecting still to be in charge in the same way as when we were kids. Which in practice, meant monitoring our (honestly very modest) alcohol intake (she's teetotal and practically rings AA if you have a second glass) and expecting her daughters, but not the men, to do housework. In a villa that had a cleaner.

My father is fine, he just settles into a chair and chats. Doesn't pitch in much unless specifically asked, but is endlessly good-natured.

The next time we holidayed with her (with DH and DC) I was very clear about what I wanted to happen when, and then we discussed it. Sometimes they came along, sometimes they didn't. But unless you can do that, I think it isn't worth it.

It would be a shame to come home tired, ill and with the PIL relationship worse than before you set off.

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 09/06/2014 14:40

My DH goes most years for a mini break with his parents and our DC and I stay at home. I went along twice and hated it whereas I absolutely love my time on my own.

CateBlanket · 09/06/2014 14:45

Could they, say, hire a cottage near your home and do some babysitting spend time with you maybe going on day trips, taking the kids somewhere. You could eat out in restaurants some nights but escape home afterwards, the kids could stay at cottage for a sleepover.

UsedtobeFeckless · 09/06/2014 16:38

We do a week in a villa somewhere warm every Easter with my DB, DS and a selection of partners and kids - it works well because the kids keep each other amused and if some of the adults want to go for a bird walk or whatever there's other, lazier peeps around to watch the sprogs for a few hours.

It only works because we all do our own thing - it would be Hell On Earth if we all went everywhere together and I can't imagine doing it with my parents or DP's mum!

If you do go lay down the ground rules with your DH and his folks clearly and firmly beforehand - no need to be hostile, just this-is-how-we-need-to-do-things so this is how it'll be!

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 09/06/2014 17:06

The fact that your fil wanders off and has to be found before you can do anything would be reason enough for me not to want to go. How fucking irritating would that get! That would drive me insane. I only want to go away with dh and our girls no one else.

Yanbu.

rookiemater · 09/06/2014 17:09

I feel for you OP, this is a hard one. I wouldn't be overcome with gratitude in your situation either.

However they do love your DCs, it would be nice to get some sun and in my experience of holidaying with relatives/friends, the first time is the hardest, because you don't know what to expect.

If you were at a hotel close to a beach, then it might work quite well. DCs the age of yours are generally very happy to play at the pool and the beach most of the day. If it's all inclusive then the DCs will be sorted no matter what time they want to eat.

Can you/your DH quiz them a bit more about what they have in mind? I think the way you have expressed it is very tactful - you're just concerned that they have the holiday they want, but small DCs do get up early, need to eat at regular intervals and go to bed early.

I would not stay in a villa where you need to drive to get anywhere - you'll drive each other crazy.

cricketballs · 09/06/2014 17:24

Would it really hurt to do things their way when the other option is no holiday? My PIL pay for a week in a caravan every year, and whilst it is not my ideal holiday we are grateful for them doing this and yes, whilst we soend days doing something that we would not normally do wgen its jyst us 4, our DS love spending this time away with their GP, so even though it annoys DH sometimes, we grit our teeth and get on with it as at the end of the day we wouldn't be able to go away and DS are happy

SuperFlyHigh · 09/06/2014 17:26

one week. sort out childcare so you're not run ragged.

it's very generous of them.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/06/2014 17:28

also if it goes really badly you can say you're not doing it again.

maybe lay some ground rules, stuff you/they want to do - with/without the kids etc...

talk/email about it properly then you have less chance of it going tits up.

squatcher · 09/06/2014 17:30

I've recently come back from a holiday with the PILs - DH and I thought it made sense and would be fun for DD. We all get along well so didn't have that issue to contend with. And we paid for ourselves so there was no guilt.

However, far from GPs being extra hands to help as we had hoped (and they had suggested), we ended up feeling like we had 3 kids to look after rather than one. There was lots of random wandering off (what is it with these PILs?) but they never wanted to do anything separately from us and looked to us to make every single decision. It got tiring by the end of the week and wasn't the break I needed.

Having said that, DD had a brilliant time and loved having them around. I wouldn't do it again for my own sanity. I think you need to be very confident that your DH will step up if you do go ahead with the holiday.

I'm desperately trying to work out if we can afford another holiday later in the year (just me, DH, and DD) - I feel deprived!

SuperFlyHigh · 09/06/2014 17:31

wow the more I see this the more (even though they have different views etc) - the PIL want to spend more time with you and the DC and have obviously thought of your illness, your partner's redundancy etc.

You're being quite unfair not to give them a chance to build a relationship seeing as you both live a distance away.

I'm sure your PIL can't be so short sighted that they haven't thought this through.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 09/06/2014 17:36

Can you not send the DC on their own with pil?

PhoebeMcPeePee · 09/06/2014 17:52

Or send DH & the kids saying you need time alone to recuperate. Sounds bliss to me

FuckyNell · 09/06/2014 18:00

Oh my god!! I would rather eat my own hair. Send the two oldest with them in your stead

Original poster

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 09/06/2014 18:38

I think people suggesting pil are trying to build bridges could be correct.

I do think they are being very generous, so I think they deserve the chance to have the holiday they want with their grandchildren, and I will take advice to set some ground rules and drag dh aside to make sure he heads off bad behaviour before it happens instead of leaving me to constantly police the kids behaviour.

So I will say yes under these conditions. At least if it is a total disaster it is only for a week, and if it is terrible they will never ask us again, which solves the problem in the future .

OP posts:

fragolino · 09/06/2014 18:57

coffee I think that is really really sweet of you....and the right thing to do and if its awful never ever again....a good chance for DH to stand up to them also...

2rebecca · 09/06/2014 19:03

I'd make it clear that if you go you'll be doing your own thing some of the time and will be getting up early and visiting places. It's your holiday too. Paying doesn't give you the right to control someone else's movements all holiday. Make this clear before you go though. If they aren't happy I'd rather stay at home. I hate people telling me what to do.

cathyandclaire · 09/06/2014 22:38

Coffee you are a lovely DIL, I hope you all have a great time :)

SuperFlyHigh · 10/06/2014 09:20

ah OP you sound great. I hope you all have a fab time. remember to put YOU first and enjoy!

Horsemad · 10/06/2014 09:36

Crikey, I'd rather gnaw my own arm off than go on holiday with anyone other than DH & DC, especially the inlaws!!

Stay at home, much less stressful.

saresywaresy2 · 10/06/2014 12:16

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in going along. Don't expect too much of it, and remember it is only a week, it will pass. If anything happens be the bigger person and rise above it however mad you might feel. I speak from experience as the person who didnt handle it well! And you are right actually - 6 years later and we have not been asked again ;-) .........

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