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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my closest friends probably don't really give a monkeys about me?

51 replies

floraldora · 09/06/2014 09:55

I am very close friends with 3 other women. Our DCs were at nursery together and are now in the last couple of years of primary school, so we've known each other for quite a long time.

I feel that I'm a good friend to them all.

It's dawned on me lately though that, whilst they all are happy to accept support from me, none of them are particularly bothered about me. One of them in particular always seems to have some crisis or another (usually men or money related), and she always gets plenty of sympathy, and has had things like flowers from us all when she's been feeling down.

I have had quite a difficult couple of weeks; my eldest DC has been in hospital and was quite poorly for a day or so. I've felt very drained by it all and could have done with some support. I sent all 3 a text when she was in hospital to let them know and got no response from 1, and from the other 2 I just got an "oh dear" type of reply. Certainly none of the niceness or caring attitude that they've had from me in the past.

I saw one of them this morning for a coffee for half an hour, and she didn't ask how DD was or mention anything about DD being unwell. I decided to leave it and just see if she mentioned DD, and she didn't. Just before I left the cafe I said "DD's back at school now, she's feeling loads better" and she just said "Oh that's good then" and that was that. Nothing else. I'm also disappointed that none of them sent me a text or made any effort to contact me when DD was in hospital, or after she was home, to see how things were. It's as if I don't matter at all. When they've had different issues in their lives I have helped out with childcare, and contacted them regularly to see if they're ok, and just generally been there for them, as they have done for each other too. None of them have offered any help to me at all.

AIBU to be upset at how they have behaved towards me?

OP posts:
restandpeace · 09/06/2014 09:57

Oh thats not good.

restandpeace · 09/06/2014 09:57

Why don't you tell them how you feel.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 09:59

I think I'm going to have to tell them, restandpeace.

TBH I'm not great at being upfront about that kind of thing but I'm so hurt about it.

OP posts:
Rhine · 09/06/2014 10:00

YANBU. I think you should distance yourself a bit, and certainly don't offer any of them any support if they have yet another "crisis". A sick child is a genuine crisis by the way. I don't think love life problems are.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 10:06

Yes I definitely won't be offering them any support any time soon. I'm so disappointed in them all. I didn't expect flowers and gushing, but I did kind of expect a text or two to check on how DD was, or to see if I wanted them to get DS from school or something practical like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 10:12

Has anyone got any suggestions on how to broach the subject with them all? Am I better off speaking to them individually or separately?

OP posts:
BravePotato · 09/06/2014 10:23

Separately!

HayDayQueen · 09/06/2014 10:25

I'm not so sure I would bother. It seems that's what they are like, and saying something won't change it.

I would, however, withdraw the help and support from them, and drop from them from 'friends' and demote them to 'friendly acquaintances' - fun to share a cuppa with, have an occasional laugh with, but who I wouldn't put myself out for because I know they wouldn't for me.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 10:26

Doh just realised my last post didn't make sense; I meant separately or as a group of course lol. I was thinking it'd be better to speak to them separately too. I'll start with the one that I'm closest to and see what she says.

I generally find that the more I give to a friendship and the better friend that I am, the more friends will take me for granted. I had to distance myself from another friend a couple of years ago. She'd been very needy and I did loads for her, yet totally took me for granted and was instead all over others that weren't a friend to her but treated her like dirt.

OP posts:
Muna135 · 09/06/2014 10:30

Separately might get complicated because if you talk to one she might tell the other about your disappointment before you get the chance so I think it's best you say how you feel to both without expecting explanation or apology and if next time you feeling they not interested just distance yourself ... That's what I'll have done . All the best

kelper · 09/06/2014 10:31

sounds like my life at the moment. you have my sympathy, its shit.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 10:34

I'm actually thinking now that maybe I would be better off just distancing myself a bit, and doing as HayDay suggests?

If I say something now, the next time I need support if they are supportive I will know that it isn't because they truly care, but because I made a fuss.

OP posts:
Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 10:35

I often think I'd be better off being self centred and self absorbed, and not giving a shit about others, because it always backfires in the end.

OP posts:
grocklebox · 09/06/2014 10:36

If the pattern is a repeating one and you are the common factor, its time to examine your own behavior, its not a coincidence.
Some people tend to take on a mothering role in a group, and set themselves up as the one who does the caring, and others follow a different role. You may have subconciously picked people that you can treat in this way, and then its not a surprise that they don't take on that role for you.
It sounds an uneven set up, but there is usually a reason. Or perhaps they don't think of you all being as close friends as you do?

Enb76 · 09/06/2014 10:40

I agree with Grockle - is it mainly you who suggests nice stuff as support?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2014 10:43

You are "the coper" so it didn't occur to anyone you might need a bit of support.

When you step up to the plate on a frequent basis it is seen as your default setting "Good old floraldora ".

From now on curb your thoughtfulness, rein in the sympathy. Maybe they prefer a brisk response. They might think you enjoy being part of the drama of their problems?

Perhaps these friends take you for granted. Or they have a lot going on in their own lives at present or simply aren't very good at returning favours.

BravePotato · 09/06/2014 10:45

Grocklebox, possibly...

OP, I find that it is better to help people freely, to give without dxpecting anything in return. To only give ( help, time, effort) if you are happy to do so for no "reward".

I have a friend who showers me with cards and gifts, then gets huffy if I don't reciprocate. I find that difficult, as I am not the sort of person sending cards to everyone for every childs/adult birthday/aniversary etc. it has lead to hurt feelings, and I wish she'd just drop the nloody cards anx gifts instead of pas-agr sad messages about "some people who don't care" etc.

In a funny way, the less you expect or demand of people, the easier (easygoing) a friendship is.

And nust be clear, tell them you were a bit let down and felt alone that day.

oldgrandmama · 09/06/2014 10:49

Not surprised you're feeling hurt. They don't sound really good friends, do they? Maybe time for you to back off with being a caring, nice friend to them.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 10:51

What gets me is that they are thoughtful to each other, so I don't think that it's that they would prefer less help or support. I think that yes, I am definitely "good old floraldora", and I probably do come across as a coper. I'm never normally needy, I don't tend to have many dramas and I do tend to take things in my stride, so I suppose they just shrug things off that happen to me.

I will definitely be taking a step back; I won't be donating towards any further collections for flowers and will try to take more of an 'oh well' approach if any of them have problems or are moaning.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 09/06/2014 10:56

I wouldn't expect flowers or a present at all.

I would expect a return text with 'oh dear, sorry to hear that, let me know if there is anything I can do- do you have childcare for ?' on there at the very least.

I think just setting different boundaries will help, I wouldn't say anything to them as they will gang up now if you say the same thing to all of them, I would pick the friendship which is closest and work on that one, seeing if they will help you out a bit more, but leave the others for fun times and don't keep offering support.

Harsh but most people are quite involved in their own lives and it can be a bit depressing when no-one steps forward when you need help. I have found the same so now don't go out of my way to phone people, I just do it when it is convenient to me. I also think if you step forward all the time, others step back - I do find some friends are a bit more helpful now I'm not all over them like a rash.

Burtreynolds · 09/06/2014 11:00

This seems weird. Even a passing acquaintance would give more of a response to hearing your child had been in hospital. In fact, when my child was in hospital a few months ago, passing acquaintances asked if I needed anything, sent cards etc.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 11:00

It bugs me that they seem to be supportive to each other. When the one who has a lot of dramas had a bust up with her latest boyfriend the other two both took turns to pick her DD up from school for the week because she "didn't feel up to it"

OP posts:
Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 11:01

Burt, I've had more support from acquaintances than from these friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 11:32

I think I just feel really hurt at the realisation that ultimately they don't value my friendship very much

OP posts:
Laura0806 · 09/06/2014 11:37

Youre not on your own with this and Im sorry you've been hurt. It has happened to me before and I agree with the others; I wouldn't say anything to them individually as they will discuss it most probably behind your back. I would stay friendly but remember and just back off from being the first to reach out to them. I also agree that quite often, if you back off people come more to you as they suddenly notice you are not in your usual role and maybe that will shake them into realising you are not superhuman and need a bit of help yourslef from time to time. Glad your dd is better