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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my closest friends probably don't really give a monkeys about me?

51 replies

floraldora · 09/06/2014 09:55

I am very close friends with 3 other women. Our DCs were at nursery together and are now in the last couple of years of primary school, so we've known each other for quite a long time.

I feel that I'm a good friend to them all.

It's dawned on me lately though that, whilst they all are happy to accept support from me, none of them are particularly bothered about me. One of them in particular always seems to have some crisis or another (usually men or money related), and she always gets plenty of sympathy, and has had things like flowers from us all when she's been feeling down.

I have had quite a difficult couple of weeks; my eldest DC has been in hospital and was quite poorly for a day or so. I've felt very drained by it all and could have done with some support. I sent all 3 a text when she was in hospital to let them know and got no response from 1, and from the other 2 I just got an "oh dear" type of reply. Certainly none of the niceness or caring attitude that they've had from me in the past.

I saw one of them this morning for a coffee for half an hour, and she didn't ask how DD was or mention anything about DD being unwell. I decided to leave it and just see if she mentioned DD, and she didn't. Just before I left the cafe I said "DD's back at school now, she's feeling loads better" and she just said "Oh that's good then" and that was that. Nothing else. I'm also disappointed that none of them sent me a text or made any effort to contact me when DD was in hospital, or after she was home, to see how things were. It's as if I don't matter at all. When they've had different issues in their lives I have helped out with childcare, and contacted them regularly to see if they're ok, and just generally been there for them, as they have done for each other too. None of them have offered any help to me at all.

AIBU to be upset at how they have behaved towards me?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2014 11:42

Btw hope DD is on the mend. It is a shock when our DCs are struck ill and we feel helpless.

Fwiw I gradually found I had less in common with some friends from the early days once our DCs grew up. When it worked, it worked, and we all got something out of our friendship. We'd bonded because we were new to parenting and the support was there. Over time though quite painlessly we began to drift apart. It doesn't mean we were phoney friends just there for one another at a specific time.

HayDayQueen · 09/06/2014 11:44

The next time one of them 'needs support' say something like 'I'm sorry but I can't, I've been very supportive of all of you before but right now I need to focus on myself and my difficult situation.'

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 11:52

Thanks everyone Thanks

HayDay, that's a good idea;I might give that a try the next time the dramatic one has a boyfriend crisis.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 09/06/2014 12:03

Oh, OP, I'm sorry but they do sound as though they take you for granted a bit and assume that you're always OK.

A compliment in a way, as it might mean that you give the impression of being strong and capable, but we all need and want support sometimes.

I suggest the same as others, really –distancing yourself a bit, expressing vague 'oh dear's rather than turning up with practical support, etc.

I hope your DD is fully recovered now?

By the way, the poster who said A sick child is a genuine crisis by the way. I don't think love life problems are, I don't agree. People want and need support for many different things and friendship is about offering support when needed, not about triaging other people's feelings and deciding which are 'genuine' and which aren't!

TheLovelyBoots · 09/06/2014 12:05

You know, I really hope you tell them, because they need to know. If you have a friend who texts you that her child is in hospital, your standard reply should be: How can I help? Can I collect XX from school and she can have a sleepover? Do you need any groceries?"

I think you should say, I'm disappointed that I had such a tough week and none of you could be bothered to check in with me to see if I needed your support.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 12:47

I feel torn really; part of me wants to tell them how let down I feel, but then the other part thinks that actions speak louder than words. Perhaps it is time for me to re-prioritise them in my life?

I am meant to be going out with them all on Thursday night but am considering cancelling as I know we will sit through the evening listening to the problems of one of them in particular, and nothing will be mentioned about my DD.

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 09/06/2014 12:54

I would be tempted to cancel citing the fact that "I don't feel up to a night out after all the stress of DD being in hospital".

TheLovelyBoots · 09/06/2014 12:56

In the interest of emotional tidiness, I would tell them. They need to know, and it will make you feel better for having stood up for yourself.

Don't spend time with people who can't talk about anything but themselves. They're toxic.

paddyclampo · 09/06/2014 12:59

I wouldn't cancel, but I would speak to them all. I think it's very easy for some people to get too wrapped up in their own problems and this is what's happened with these 3.

I think they would be pretty ashamed of themselves if you told them how you were feeling!

Annarose2014 · 09/06/2014 13:03

I agree with Kamer - when you cancel make sure you tie it specifically to the tough time you've had recently and don't just say "I'm tired" or something.

It might be a handy way of dropping a massive hint actually, at least if you do that there's a chance that you'll be at least discussed sympathetically that night rather than overlooked (when Drama Friend takes a breath for air!).

Annarose2014 · 09/06/2014 13:04

I definately wouldn't go though. For sure they'll gloss over/ignore your week from Hell and you'll just end up feeling more miserable at the end of the night than you do right now.

HayDayQueen · 09/06/2014 14:15

Send the message:

'I'm sorry, given how difficult I have found it coping with what has been going on with DD I won't be going out on Thursday'.

Very clear and to the point. See what those ungrateful sods make of that!

Burtreynolds · 09/06/2014 16:41

I am meant to be going out with them all on Thursday night but am considering cancelling as I know we will sit through the evening listening to the problems of one of them in particular, and nothing will be mentioned about my DD.

I'd cancel for that reason alone. This makes me sound harsh, but a night out is for fun, not whinging. If someone's got something difficult going on in their life then a coffee, a phone call etc is in order not wasting a precious night out.

emotionsecho · 09/06/2014 16:55

I think you should say something to them. I would word it that you are disappointed that they didn't think to call, offer help or support whilst your DD was ill, and then I would limit the time you spend with them and certainly not put yourself out for them again.

Tempting though it might be to bring up what you have done for them, don't, it then just sounds a bit childish.

MintyChops · 09/06/2014 17:02

I would cancel as well and send the text as above saying you aren't up to it due to stressful week with sick DD. that leaves the door open for them to have a chance to realise how shit they have been but if they don't well, you know what they are like. I would definitely distance myself from now on. You have enough on your plate.

Hope your DD is feeling better now.

MintyCoolMojito · 09/06/2014 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
floraldora · 09/06/2014 21:34

My only reservation about being honest with them is that they'll think I'm needy.....

OP posts:
noneofyours · 09/06/2014 22:39

I don't think it's needy to expect to get the same or similar level of support that you give to your friends OP. I would cancel and distance myself but I would be clear that I'm cancelling because I'm very shattered and feeling very down and stressed over what's been happening with my DC. If they brush it off then distance from them OP, or be honest and say 'I think you've been crap friends to me'.

A good friend would support and console you, hell a good friend would offer to come to you and bring dinner so you can stay close to your DC.

MexicanSpringtime · 09/06/2014 23:44

I agree with the person who said we should do and give without expecting anything in return, as I am sure you do OP. Time to look around for other friends. Now you know the measure of these friends, just take them for the good times, but please do not stop being generous and caring, that would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

ExcuseTypos · 10/06/2014 00:05

I do feel for you. How bloody rude and inconsiderate to not ask about your dd. I agree with others, you should cancel Thursday and send the text suggested. See what their response is.

Original poster
floraldora · 10/06/2014 10:33

I've just seen one of those photo slogan thingys in FB. It said:

'Stop crossing oceans for those that wouldn't cross a puddle for you'

Seemed rather apt so I've shared it on my wall!

OP posts:
MintyChops · 10/06/2014 11:22

Have you decided whether you are going to go on Thursday?

Alita7 · 10/06/2014 11:39

The way I would personally handle it would be to ignore for a bit and only say something if they ask what's going on. At least if they notice then you know they at least value your company. I agree with sending a text saying you're too stressed with things with dd and aren't up to a night out.

I hope you're ok, I've had this sort of thing happen to me and my mum in particular has had it happen time and time again and I can't see why (so I disagree with the poster saying you must be doing something wrong, unless that something is being too nice). The main person who does this to my mum is her own mother, who my mum helps out all the time, my mum is 1 of 7 and the only one who does anything to help her mum on a regular basis, yet her mum always says it's Ok 'Jane' will do it, don't put yourself out 'Sarah', and how lovely 'Sam' is for bring over that thing the other day... and send flowers and thank you cards to the other kids but my mum often doesn't even get a thank you. It's as though the more helpful and kind to people you are the more you are taken for granted as they are used to it.

Original poster
floraldora · 10/06/2014 16:28

Hi all, I've decided not to go tomorrow night. I'll send them all a text tomorrow saying that I'm feeling low and drained after DD's illness.

OP posts:
Iamthetortoise · 10/06/2014 17:05

That is so true Alita, I agree with everything you posted.
floradora, I hope your dd is getting better, good decision not to go tomorrow but I wouldn't give a reason, I would just say I wouldn't be going.