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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they could have done a bit more......

40 replies

Freckletoes · 09/06/2014 01:45

Have been mulling over this for a couple of days...
It was my 40th on Friday. Been with DH for 15 yrs, have 3DC 14, 12, 10.

I knew that DH was creating a present for me with a friend. It was something we had discussed, really more as an off the cuff thing, but still-it is a pretty amazing thing. We had also talked of having a big bash-we are a bit crap as far as entertaining is concerned so it would be a great excuse to have loads of people round. DH was going to organise it (of course I knew it would need some input from me as he is crap at organising stuff).

We never usually go overboard for parties but I always make sure family members have cards, presents, homemade cake and candles etc.

Back to Friday. DH takes a surprise day off (which I already knew about!). I receive a card and Facebook message from DSis, card from DM and DD (with a cheque-thx!). Nothing from my DH or kids. He then says the great present is not finished but he will take me to see it-it'll be done by next week. We go to see it. It will be amazing and totally indulgent but it won't be anywhere near finished next week, plus his idea of finished means I will still have to do a lot more to it!

We go out for lunch-very nice. We then go out for tea with kids-crap but a poor recommendation from a friend.

(I get various lovely and unexpected pressies and cards from friends and neighbours )

And that is it. Party is happening but in August and only when myself and lovely friend organise it all. Present is not ready (he's had 15+ yrs to get ready for my 40th). No cards. No cake. No effort from DCs.

In the past few years I have organised two 70th family meals for my DF and DM (no help from DSis), a fab homemade 40th hamper for my DSis, birthday parties, teas, pressies and decorations for DCs and DH. But no one in my family managed to do a thing for me-not even phone calls to say HB!

AIBU to feel a bit taken for granted or am I being a bit precious about it all or feeling old having hit the big 40 Feeling a bit unloved I guess.

OP posts:

wafflyversatile · 09/06/2014 01:56

For my 40th a group of us went to the pub. I arranged it. A couple of friends travelled from other towns to join me. I got a couple of token gifts. My boyfriend of the time couldn't come. LDR.

I'm guessing the amazing present will last for many years. An August party is odd, I'll concede. It sounds like your DH wanted to do something special but it's just not ready yet. Poor planning might be to blame but sentiment surely not an issue?

It seems that planning gifts and parties is something you enjoy, but not everyone does. Equally they might not have been fussed about being on the receiving end of parties and presents.

SallyMcgally · 09/06/2014 01:59

YANBU. You deserve to feel pampered and cherished on your birthday. Especially a significant one. Especially when you look after everyone else so well.

And I hope it's an amazing party in August.

FatherDickByrne · 09/06/2014 02:17

My ex got v twitchy on my 40th (6 years younger than me & about 20 years less mature). I ended up organising my own party & he spent the whole thing in another room with his friends. Then my DSis organised a surprise w/e away with my elderly parents except it it wasn't a w/e - just one night as ex told DSis we could only come on the Sat (selfish git). So my family were in the lovely place on the Friday & I was at home watching telly with the ex, oblivious. Then ex said I was making too much fuss about myself & that it was self-centred & attention-seeking to celebrate so much...! Sorry to hijack. I suppose my point is the only way I got the 40th I wanted was with a massive input from me & despite the negativity of my ex. Your DH doesn't sound like this - just a bit useless at grasping the nettle. Happy Birthday btw & enjoy the next decade - it's a good'un!

ChocolateChocolate · 09/06/2014 02:22

Based on what you've said I'd say feel miffed but not unloved. If you felt loved before and nothing else has changed I don't think this is a reason to feel unloved now. It doesn't sound like they've tried to upset you (though I can see why you are) but they've been thoughtless, and it might be worth telling them calmly along with what you would like so they've a chance of rectifying this. May be people are just programmed differently? I'd get upset by this (and have on mothers's day and a birthday) but my dh just doesn't think/get organised on these occasions-for anyone. I had to explain why it upset (particularly not getting DCs organised to mark the occasion) and I'm hoping it doesn't happen again.

Monty27 · 09/06/2014 02:33

Other people are just not as excellent at delivering, but they did try

Monty27 · 09/06/2014 02:33

Not as excellent as you I meant... grrr silly keyboard :)

Original poster

Freckletoes · 09/06/2014 02:46

But I guess you have hit the nail on the head-I don't think they did try.
DH told me when the present was started-which was totally unrealistic for it to be finished for my birthday. And that was all. The meals weren't pre-booked. No cards, nothing. And I'm not great-just try and make things a bit special with cards and presents and a usually crap but still made by my fair hands cake. The kids get all excited about their DF birthday and have me go shopping for stuff and do a kid's style birthday tea. Pampered and cherished would be nice but even a tiny bit of effort would have been better then nothing but an unfinished present.
Thx for best wishes and

OP posts:

paxtecum · 09/06/2014 06:34

You are concentrating on being annoyed with your DH.
You should be annoyed with your DCs. Did they do cards and presents for your 38th & 39th birthdays?

Your DCs should be more caring. They need a good talking too, but I'm not sure who should do the talking.

Do the DCs take you for granted and do you run round after them all the time?

Happy Birthday to you.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 09/06/2014 06:52

You went out for lunch
You went out for tea
Your husband took a day off for your birthday
Your present is in progress and you have a party to look forward to.
YABU

lunar1 · 09/06/2014 06:57

It there only me who wants to know what the present is?

Icimoi · 09/06/2014 07:00

I do think someone needs to have a conversation with the children about why they didn't get any cards or presents. They're all old enough to do that for themselves, maybe with a bit of financial help.

I suggest that when it comes to the party you tell DH and the children that it isn't going to happen unless they do all the work.

SelectAUserName · 09/06/2014 07:12

YANBU to feel a bit peeved at the distinct lack of effort from your DCs. It sounds as though your DH did some nice things - took the day off, took you to lunch, took you to see the present in lieu of being able to give it to you (perhaps a token "IOU" present would have been thoughtful) but no excuse for your children, unless you've both brought them up with the message that birthdays don't matter and suddenly changed your tune and expected them to know that psychically - which doesn't sound likely given what you do for others.

Is the party happening in August because that's the best time, or because your DH hasn't bothered to do anything about it and it's had to be postponed? I can't quite make that out from your OP.

Finola1step · 09/06/2014 07:23

It sounds like all the good intentions were there but were held back by poor planning.

Your dc could have made more of an effort, even if they had sorted a cake that would have been great. But again, poor planning and discussion I would say.

But you are obviously loved. It's just that not everyone sees the importance in the little things.

I've just turned 40 too. Lovely holiday with my dh and dcs. Birthday cards from my mum and sisters arrived late, no presents or even phone calls on the day. No cards from various aunts, uncles, cousins.

Focus on the good.

KatieKaye · 09/06/2014 07:27

Sounds like DH really tried to make a nice day for you. Your present is organised and all he forgot was a card, which isn't the end of the world. You got a card and a pressie from your parents.

Your DC didn't seem to bother at all - and they are more than old enough to make an effort, make a cake and perhaps even save up to take you out of coffee and cakes. So yes, I'd be miffed with them too. Are they normally so self-centred? Do you think it is too late to try to teach them to put others before themselves?

littledrummergirl · 09/06/2014 07:27

When I was first with dh I got upset because there was no birthday cake. I told him and have had a cake every year since. I think I will get a cake for my 40th.
This year he asked me what I would like, I said something from Amazon and suggested I order it as he doesnt do internet shopping.
I get something I want, he feels good as I have something I want.
Neither of us take time off for our birthdays although we make a big fuss of the dcs.
I dont understand adults making a big fuss over one day a year.
Sorry but I think yabvu.

jaynebxl · 09/06/2014 07:39

You went out for lunch
You went out for tea
Your husband took a day off for your birthday
Your present is in progress and you have a party to look forward to.

This.
Ok so they could have made cards and booked tablea in advance but really? I think you should feel cherished for the above reasons. Probably one of those times when it is better tp count the blessings you have rather than the ones you feel you should have.

Only1scoop · 09/06/2014 07:46

Yanbu....also would think your dc are old enough to sort a card and small gift maybe.

maras2 · 09/06/2014 07:54

I think that I'd be pissed off.No card,no visible pressie and a party in sodding August? YANBU. Sounds very thoughtless.

Only1scoop · 09/06/2014 07:56

Intrigued as why party has to be August? Can you give us a clue as to the amazing gift that's not yet ready?...

I'm so nosey today

Gennz · 09/06/2014 08:01

I'd be annoyed - with your DH for not getting his shit together to get your present finished in time, unless there are very good reasons for the delay. He's had a year to get it sorted. I would also be mightily pissed off with the DC: 14, 12, and 10 is old enough to organise a card and a bottle of perfume or nice bunch of flowers.

Gennz · 09/06/2014 08:01

I really want to know what the present is too.

bberry · 09/06/2014 08:13

Yanbu IMO...

It is your husbands responsibility to rally the kids and make sure they have something special organised (as you do for him) even though they are old enough we all need a nudge (my middle sister still reminds me of everyone's birthdays and I really appreciate it) sometimes

You possibly need to communicate your expectations clearer in the future....have you accepted this type of non celebration in the past, is that why he thought this was good enough... Which it wasn't!

DorothyBastard · 09/06/2014 08:15

YANBU. There seem to be a lot of martyrs on this thread suggesting you should be grateful for the (started too late) thought of one unfinished gift. I would expect cards and token gifts from your DH and DCs, knowing your main gift wasn't going to be ready. As you would, without thinking, give them.

thebodylovesspring · 09/06/2014 08:20

Yep what's the present? I am guessing a boat? No idea why.

It's tough if you are the organiser here so everyone is used to you doing all the organising and so didn't step up.

Still you did go out to meals and your dh took the day off. That sounds nice. Maybe hint to your kids you want home made cards and now is not too late!

Happy birthday and

OwlCapone · 09/06/2014 08:21

I'm not a martyr at all but I think you are being ridiculous. Your DHs took a day off, you had gifts from family, went t for two means and have what you yourself describe as a totally self indulgent gift being made specifically for you.

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