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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws and wedding

51 replies

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 20:53

Ok I posted a while ago about problems with FIL and MIL so most of you will know we have issues but on the service get on

Anyway:-

My uncle is getting married in July and of course all my side of the family is going. DH has become a good friend of my uncle through football matches and is a groomsman
My uncle did a lot of work for my inlaws last year and knew them slightly before I met DH (but only to say hello to)
When the wedding invites came out we asked inlaws to have DS over night (he is 10 months) and they agreed.

Fast forward and uncle and his girlfriend has invited inlaws to their night do and they have said they are going. So we have lost our babysitters. It was annoying as uncle had said "I feel we should invite them but we know they won't come as they are your babysitters" I thought "you wanna bet?"
Anyway we have asked a few people we trust to babysit and everyone is busy (also all my side are at the wedding)
It has been left that we will leave at 6.30, go and pick up DS and my inlaws will go to the night do. All my family are livid
AIBU to think inlaws should not go as it is my family members and DHs close friend
AIBU to want to slap uncle for inviting them in the first place
PS my mum did have a word with my uncle (her nephew) and said if he invited them we will have no babysitters and had to leave but his response was "if that is the case they won't come and we are only inviting them out of politeness".

Also I know my wider family they will make them feel very unwelcome (even though I have said not too) they will.

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 08/06/2014 20:58

off topic, but how is your mums nephew your uncle?

I do think your ILs are out of order to say they would babysit then back out of it, when they know all your family will be at the wedding. Is there no way you could take baby too?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 21:00

I'm confused by how your uncle can be your mum's aunt Confused

But ignoring that :o your inlaws are mad. Surely dh has said to them that it would be a social mistake to accept the invitation and that is was only made out of politeness?

Your uncle was very wrong to invite them when he knew the situation. We had a similar thing when SIL invited a family member of dh's to their wedding (when she heard they were visiting to babysit the dcs Hmm ) but that was fine, since the family member came earlier and then took the dcs with them once the evening began.

Is that an option? Could they come for an hour early-evening with the dcs, and then leave?

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 21:00

Just to clarify the day do invite came out a month ago. The night ones have just come out. My uncle told us his intention two weeks ago and we have been hoping he changes his mind or my mum could convince him.
(oh and he is not my mums nephew he is her brother) lol x

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 21:00
  • how your mum can be your uncle's aunt! (Clearly very very confused)
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 21:01

:) thanks for clarifying

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 21:06

It's a none child wedding so that would not work :(. That's why we would have to leave at half six as inlaws are having DS during the day and have said to us they need time to get ready (obviously have to do it together!!)
My inlaws asked my SIL (their daughter) if she could babysit which horrified me and DH (for reasons I have posted before) but she said she would not do it.
I can just see all my family turning there backs on hem as they walk in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 21:07

God knows were I got nephew from?

OP posts:
Hassled · 08/06/2014 21:09

Is there no-one else you could use - a local nursery worker, a childcare student at your local college?

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 21:10

Has dh spoken to them and explained how hurt he is at them letting you both down? It might be worth explaining that a few of the guests will be very offended that you have to leave, and may not be welcoming.

It's very odd behaviour.

Another option (if they feel it would be rude not to show their faces) would be for dh to go and look after the dcs between, say, 7 and 9pm and then they go back to babysitting?

Are they usually night owls?

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 21:30

I suppose I could ask at DS nursery
They are not night owls but they can not resist an invitation. They are the kind of people who loves bragging about how often they are invited out
They have such a thick skin they would not notice or if they did notice care about the atmosphere. In fact they would think it a funny story to tell to their friends.
We have tried the would you only come for a few hours only so DH could go back only to be told that they will miss the best bit (later on) and my uncle must want them there - what more then his groomsmen and niece!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 21:31

Also DH has told them he is pissed off but they don't seem to care.
This was going to be our first major time out together since DS was born :(

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 21:35

Then the only solution is for uncle to take back the invitation. He could do a, "I'm so sorry, I hadn't realised you were dniece's babysitters! Obviously you feel a responsibility to come, but there's no way I would have invited you had I known. Of course if they manage to find other babysitters we would love to have you come too. But if not I'm afraid we really need dh there, since as groomsman he had x responsibility, and I couldn't imagine my wedding without dniece there! So sorry for the confusion!"

Is there any way your uncle would do that (or your mother on his behalf?). If dh could be given some kind of duty in the evening it might make him indispensable.

If they're that thick skinned I wouldn't worry about offending them.

fluffyraggies · 08/06/2014 21:37

Well if they don't care that they are going to annoy and inconvenience you, and don't care if the atmos at the evening do is off because of them then there's nothing that can be done sadly.

The only thing would be for your Uncle to uninvite them - cant see that happening though.

How bloody annoying!

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 21:37

It's completely understandable your uncle inviting them btw. No one would believe a distant acquaintance should accept meaning a close relative and groomsman couldn't attend.

fluffyraggies · 08/06/2014 21:39

Xposted with fuck there (!).

Yes, if your uncle phrased it that way it wont look bad on him and they will almost have to bow out.

mynewpassion · 08/06/2014 21:44

Your uncle caused this problem. He shouldn't have invited them if he really didn't want them to come.

Yes, your inlaws could be the bigger people and honor their commitment to you but your uncle should not have issued an invitation.

MidniteScribbler · 08/06/2014 21:45

You need to find a babysitter and pay for it. And then ignore them at the wedding. Next time babysitting is brought up you say 'oh no thank you. We didn't want to risk having our night cancelled so we hired someone we could actually rely on". They've shot themselves in the foot about getting to spend time with their grandson if you can't trust then to be reliable for you.

PortofinoRevisited · 08/06/2014 21:48

Can you get another babysitter, or just not go?

phantomnamechanger · 08/06/2014 21:53

will they make an exception to the child free rule for one baby in these circs, since DH is actually a member of the grooms wedding party, not just a guest? or is that going to upset loads of people on the brides side?

Vivacia · 08/06/2014 21:56

I think you are being unreasonable.

Your uncle obviously wants them there as he invited them. It's disappointing that he did this knowing it would mean you'd have to leave early, but that was his choice.

SueDNim · 08/06/2014 21:56

Definitely ask nursery staff - I've had quite a few nursery staff babysit DD and they are always really happy to.

FryOneFatManic · 08/06/2014 22:00

I do have to agree that the uncle has caused the problem here. I would not have issued an invitation to the inlaws knowing they were babysitting. He had no idea if they would accept or politely turn it down.

I would never issue an invitation to something unless I was prepared for that invitation to be accepted.

OP, YANBU to want to slap your uncle in the face, although it might not be the best thing to do Wink

FryOneFatManic · 08/06/2014 22:02

Vivacia Op said "uncle had said "I feel we should invite them but we know they won't come as they are your babysitters"

So, it was an invite intended to be a socially polite thing that he expected them to decline.

Vivacia · 08/06/2014 22:05

I think it's very unusual (and downright bad mannered) to give an invite you expect the recipient has a duty to turn down! They're not mind readers.

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 22:06

Really Vivacia?

At the expenses of his niece and groomsmen?
He prob though if they came we would get other babysitters
He had already said to us he did not think they would come but with all the work they had put his way he felt he had to send them an invite
I don't know about anyone else but I had to invite a few people to my wedding out of obligation who I would not say i did not want them to come but I would not have been that bothered if they didn't.

My uncle is actually very sorry he invited them now but I know them to well if they were uninvited they would not babysit that day at all:
Just had a call from my mum and dad offering to come home early (my mum from her brothers wedding)
What a mess.
The thing is DS is a little bugger for settling and gets upset so we wanted it to be someone he knows well.
Has anyone ever used a babysitting service?

OP posts: