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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws and wedding

51 replies

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 20:53

Ok I posted a while ago about problems with FIL and MIL so most of you will know we have issues but on the service get on

Anyway:-

My uncle is getting married in July and of course all my side of the family is going. DH has become a good friend of my uncle through football matches and is a groomsman
My uncle did a lot of work for my inlaws last year and knew them slightly before I met DH (but only to say hello to)
When the wedding invites came out we asked inlaws to have DS over night (he is 10 months) and they agreed.

Fast forward and uncle and his girlfriend has invited inlaws to their night do and they have said they are going. So we have lost our babysitters. It was annoying as uncle had said "I feel we should invite them but we know they won't come as they are your babysitters" I thought "you wanna bet?"
Anyway we have asked a few people we trust to babysit and everyone is busy (also all my side are at the wedding)
It has been left that we will leave at 6.30, go and pick up DS and my inlaws will go to the night do. All my family are livid
AIBU to think inlaws should not go as it is my family members and DHs close friend
AIBU to want to slap uncle for inviting them in the first place
PS my mum did have a word with my uncle (her nephew) and said if he invited them we will have no babysitters and had to leave but his response was "if that is the case they won't come and we are only inviting them out of politeness".

Also I know my wider family they will make them feel very unwelcome (even though I have said not too) they will.

OP posts:

FiveGoMadInDorset · 08/06/2014 22:07

Ask at DS's nursery (at ours some of them did babysitting) or use someone like sitters.uk, all CRB checked.

Vivacia · 08/06/2014 22:08

Yes, really. It is strange that he invited them, and I'd be upset in your shoes, but that's the way it is.

I really don't agree that they should miss out because your child needs caring for.

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 22:09

It is bad mannered Vivacia, I agree with you there.
That's why part of my AIBU was to slap my uncle (would not do this though obviously)

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 08/06/2014 22:11

Yes, you might have to issue those "polite invitations" but you prepare for the inevitably of them accepting. Its not a bother if they come but its more of a bother if they do.

Your family shouldn't blame your Ils for your uncle's mistake. He wanted a business acquaintance to come more than his groomsman and niece.

mynewpassion · 08/06/2014 22:12

I meant to say:

Its not a bother if they don't come but its more of a bother if they do.

chocomochi · 08/06/2014 22:15

If your in-laws are going, I would try to find someone (babysitter/close friend even?) to babysit DS the whole day so that DS will (hopefully!) settle with them in the evening.

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 22:15

And why should they go back on their promise to babysit when we asked them a year ago when the wedding date was set.
So I take it if you where my mum in law you would walk into the reception after your son (who was groomsmen) and daughter in law (who was the grooms niece) had to go home because you had gone back on your promise to baby sit. You would sit with your DILs close relatives and chit chat and expect them to not mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 22:19

Yes I agree if you send an invite you must be prepared for people to accept or else what is the point of the invite.
But honestly how many people here would except knowing the circumstances. I can honestly say I would not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 22:20

Sorry meant accept.
Dyslexia and predictive text together are a nightmare

OP posts:

Vivacia · 08/06/2014 22:22

Were I a mother-in-law, I don't think I would, although I'd find the invite a bit strange. However I'm not a mother-in-law. I am a mother though and long ago learned that ultimately my baby is my first responsibility and that babysitters let us down because my baby's childcare is not that high on their list.

It's not nice, but that's the way it is.

Has your husband spoken to his mother about this? Has he explained all of your family will be nasty to them?

MidniteScribbler · 08/06/2014 22:24

No sensible person would accept this wedding invitation in these circumstances. But the OP doesn't sound like she's dealing with rational people here.

Billygoats · 08/06/2014 22:24

Can your uncle not make a slight exception that your ds be allowed to be at the night do asleep in his pram? Or would he not sleep? Is it a hotel place?

FryOneFatManic · 08/06/2014 22:31

Vivacia the OP has posted that her DH has spoken with them and they don't care.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 08/06/2014 22:33

If a close family member of mine could not babysit due to unforeseen circumstances or am emergency, I would be completely understanding. If it was because they also wanted to go to the party, then they would be breaking a commitment and I would be very upset. If you say you will do something then you have a commitment to do it. No one forced them to accept the request to babysit. I'm amazed anyone thinks it's acceptable to be so unreliable.

It's so sad that your dmum is offering to babysit in their place :(

Whether they would babysit or not, I still think uncle should recant the offer.

What a mess.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 08/06/2014 23:02

Uncle needs to withdraw the invitation as suggested above -'I realise now you are babysitting but have accepted out of politeness - you mustn't, sorry big mix up, we really do need groomsman and niece to be there, etc.'

If your inlaws then pull out of babysitting, unleash the wrath of hell upon them. Tell them that if they do, you're done with them. They can whistle to be grandparents and be welcome at your house. And you will tell everyone, entire extended family and friends why you still won't be at the wedding and it will be the last time they ever get invited to any family do in the future.

If they're that thick skinned, what's to lose?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 08/06/2014 23:17

I'd get someone else to do the whole day. Sounds like you will need a reliable babysitter and taking over at 6pm is a sod. A nursery worker will totally keep him in his routine.

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 23:29

I think any sane person would realise that the immediate and close family of the niece of the groom, who has had to go home so you (not family and casual aquentance) can attend are going to be a bit frosty.
The fiancé of my uncle has said no exceptions for children attending can be made as her sisters kids have not been invited.
We are going ask if someone at nursery can do it or hire someone from a babysitting service.

Urgh I am going to have to sit there while the inlaws try to take over the conversation and act like they are the most important people there. Going to get very drunk I think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 08/06/2014 23:31

And do you know what after all this i would not be surprised if they don't even turn up.

OP posts:

CadleCrap · 09/06/2014 00:48

Why is your DH not taking to his parents again? If they are thick skinned he is going to have to do this more than once.

bochead · 09/06/2014 01:24

If you can attend the ceremony and be in the photos, do speeches then that's the important parts of the day sorted. If the night do is just the standard agadoo style dancing and a good drink up, then I'm afraid them's the breaks once you have a child. Your partying days are over now for a few years.

Do ask your family not to be silly and to just let your Uncle and his new wife enjoy their wedding evening without being nasty to his invited guests. You now know you can't rely on them to baby sit if you and you DH want a night out in future and can plan accordingly.

Behave with dignity and grace, go home at 6.30 and just clock it up to experience.

If you can't now attend the ceremony and photos then you need to tell your Uncle asap he's down a groomsman & wish him and his new wife all the best.

Original poster

Lancashiregal10 · 09/06/2014 20:45

I have asked my family not be be nasty or ignore them as its my DH that will get it in the neck.

OP posts:

bochead · 09/06/2014 21:59

Exactly! DH isn't to blame for this fiasco - that rests with the happy couple for issuing the invite & your out-laws.

Plan a nice family picnic together after the wedding and move on.

SisterMoonshine · 09/06/2014 22:09

How far away is it?
Could you nip away by yourself to settle DS while your ILs go for a couple of hours, then they leave early and you go back?

Igggi · 09/06/2014 23:09

It is bad form to invite someone with the expectation that they decline - as there is also the expectation that an invite means a gift!
I've had a couple of overseas invites which I'm sure I wasn't expected to attend, wonder if they did it for the gift

This all sounds messy but you'll be there for the best bits (I'd be gagging to go home, but I can tell you're not!)
Incidentally I've never attended an uncle or aunts wedding, and my nieces and nephews were not invites to my own. There is no guaranteed guest list for a wedding these days.

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 10/06/2014 05:12

Having a child does not mean party days are over!!! Throw myself on the alter of motherhood why don't I! Get a good reliable babysitter.

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