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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still miss my dad incredibly after 11 years.

58 replies

Filimou · 08/06/2014 20:51

Tomorrow will be the 11th anniversary of my dad's death. I miss him so much. He was always so kind and sweet and really funny. Everyone loved him.
He died before Id met dh so he'd never met him, missed my wedding and my little boy will never know what an amazing man his grandad was.
I always try and think of all the things I did get, all the times we had rather than what we didn't. But its so hard.Losing him was the hardest experience of my life, and the way we lost him too.
I miss him so much.
I have a great relationship with my mum but sometimes I just want 5 minutes on the phone to my dad.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 08/06/2014 22:39

My DP and I sadly didnt meet each other's parents, unluckily we both lost them far too soon. We talk about them often to each other, keep their memory alive and often say things like "mum would have taken the p** out you for that" or "you and Dad would have been thick as thieves!" Just nice comforting comments that keep us going. We raise our glass to them on a regular basis (and include my late DH in that "absent friends" toast).

It really does cut deep losing the first man in your life, especially if you idolised him. It is tough, but remember that the hurt you feel is the depth of your love. That's a positive thing.

So sad for anyone posting here who miss their dad, hugs xxx

Squeakyheart · 08/06/2014 22:46

I lost my dad 22 years ago and still cry at certain songs or any father daughter thing on TV. I have a four month old and it makes me think of him more, especially as I will have to buy a Father's Day card for the first time in a long time.

Ourma · 08/06/2014 22:56

Yanbu at all. Big hugs for you. Anniversaries no matter what number are hard. I hope you can talk freely about him to your kids. Lost my dad 2 years ago. Have had 2 girls since and always wish he'd met them.

DreamingofSummer · 08/06/2014 23:01

My mum died 28 years ago and my dad died 12 years back.

I still miss them both. I'd give anything to talk about the football scores to my dad and to my mum about the kids.

Runesigil · 08/06/2014 23:02

for you Fili, it's been16 years for me and I miss him every day, he went suddenly and unexpectedly. He did know my dd for 6 years. I wish he could have played a much bigger role in her life but at least I do have some memories of them together to cherish. [pass the tissues]

steff13 · 09/06/2014 00:34

My dad died 15 years ago, and my mom died 13 years ago. I've never felt completely "over it." Most days are ok, but then a birthday or anniversary rolls around, and it's very painful.

steff13 · 09/06/2014 00:37

I lost my dad 22 years ago and still cry at certain songs or any father daughter thing on TV.

Oh my gosh, there is this silly old country song by George Strait called "Love without End" about how a father's love never ends, and it gets me every time. I don't even like country music!

Billynomates71 · 09/06/2014 00:42

I lost my dad 16 years ago and still miss him deeply, every day. He never met any of my dc, and he is just a photograph to them. He would have been an awesome dgp and it makes me so sad he never got the chance.

Every time I hear Luther Vandross singing 'dance with my father again' I blub like a baby. Or Everything But The Girl's "missing".

YANBU. Grief doesn't go away, you just get better at handling it and hiding it.

clarinsgirl · 09/06/2014 00:43

YANBU. I lost my Dad just over 9 yrs ago. He opened his eyes briefly to meet DS1 and died shortly after. You recover from losing a parent, but nothing is ever the same again.

SecretWitch · 09/06/2014 00:48

YANBU. My darling father died in 2001. He was the best man I ever knew. I can't believe he has never met my dh or knows I had another daughter
(Born on his birthday!) Whenever I hear Eric Clapton's, My Father's Eyes, I cry..

catsoup · 09/06/2014 00:50

Aww I can only echo what everyone else has said. I lost my dad 11 years ago. He didn't get the chance to see me meet my partner or his granddaughter. It makes me jealous sometimes that my partners dad is still here and gets to be a grandad and that my dd won't ever get the chance to have that bond with my dad. Take care of yourself.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 09/06/2014 01:19

I lost my Mum (I know you were talking about Dads, but I wanted to share from the perspective of loss) 13 years ago, when she was just 41, I was 16. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her, she was my world.
I don't think the loss gets any easier, I think you just gain new coping strategies as time passes.
In the first few weeks the pain is so raw, every thought seems to hurt. Then when the years have past, you think of them in a less painful way, more as a fleeting "Mum would have loved that!". Rather than being raw pain it seems to become a heartfelt thought of how nice / fun / wonderful they were.
I do feel very hurt when my dad chooses not to partake in my life events, knowing that my Mum would have been there if she were still with us (my graduation, my children being born etc) and I think it makes me feel the loss even more.

stopgap · 09/06/2014 02:06

My dad is one of my best friends. He's fantastic. He's still here (and well) but I sometimes think about what it will be like without him.

I was so close to my granddad, who passed twenty-one years ago. Not a week goes by where I don't think about him.

It must be so hard. Well wishes to you.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 09/06/2014 02:28

My sympathies, OP and all the PPs. My dad died two years ago this month. He was 93, had lived a rich full life, and his death was peaceful and expected. I know how lucky I am to have had him for such a long time, but he and I were soul mates, and I miss him every day. I still sometimes forget for a moment that he is gone when I see or hear something that I know he would find funny or interesting. to all

turdfairynomore · 09/06/2014 02:45

I love my dad to pieces. He is the most amazing person -I love mum too, but even she would say that if he's ok then I'm ok! I feel like we are almost the same person-we are so alike that it's scary. It makes me sad that I didn't pick a partner who was like him. My ex is very different and our children (in their late teens) have no meaningful relationship with their dad at all. How can I have got it so wrong when I had the most awesome role model?!

PoloMintCity · 09/06/2014 03:04

Aw OP, as the rest have said YADNBU! I could have written your post almost word for word (although only 8.5 years here). I still have days when I have wee chats with him in my head and imagine what he would do/say in certain circumstances. It's hard focusing on what you did get - some days I just want to scream at the injustice of it all! But he would have hated that and would tell me to get over it!

Delphiniumsblue · 09/06/2014 07:06

I still miss my father and he died 35 years ago. I think about him often and am very sad that he never saw me married and my children never knew him when he would have been an excellent grandfather.
Don't expect it to be different- just treasure your good memories.

PunkrockerGirl · 09/06/2014 07:22

It's so hard isn't it, OP? My dad died ten years ago in November on ds1' s 13th birthday. I truly hope that he is together with my Mum who died eight years previously.

Sending you

Harry1603 · 09/06/2014 09:10

My Dad died 15 years ago and I think I've missed him more as I've got older. I'd already met DH but we were going through a rough time when he died - Dad wouldn't have him in the house at one point but thankfully they spoke the Christmas before he died. I just wish he could have seen us happy - it breaks my heart to think he didn't see us get married.

Dad was ill for most of my life but was still the most amazing man.

Trooperslane · 09/06/2014 09:14

7 years for me and I still miss him every day.

Missed my wedding, never knew dd (who is the spitting image of him)

Agree with pp about never getting over it, just learning to live with the grief.

Raise a to him tonight op and for you too. X

Original poster

Filimou · 09/06/2014 09:27

Thanks everyone, I felt a bit silly posting here last night, its just, I don't really have anyone I can talk to who really knew him and I am scared that if I dont talk about him I will forget.
to all of you who have also lost someone.

OP posts:

Daisymasie · 09/06/2014 09:56

My dad is only dead two years but I don't think I'll ever stop missing him. Anniversaries are always very poignant too. But there's a saying that no one is truly gone from the world until the very last time someone ever mentions their name and I think that's true.

bigdeal · 09/06/2014 10:15

my dad died 18 yrs ago , i still have a cry now and then , the song i can help always makes me sad , he used to sing that a lot ,i can see some of his ways in my dd who was born after he died that always makes me smile , hope you are feeling ok today op and having happy memories of him

Andrewofgg · 09/06/2014 10:17

45 years since DF died, 18 DM, 12 DSF, and I miss them all and will until I pop my clogs.

Spottybra · 09/06/2014 10:18

It's been nearly 20 years for me. I'm sorry you miss him. I don't miss mine at all which is weird because he was pretty wonderful and a very hands on dad whilst I was growing up.

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