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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be furious with this so called friend about ex not seeing his kids?

60 replies

extremepie · 08/06/2014 15:38

Stupid thing really, I posted a status on fb asking for advice about doing a uni course, which one I should do etc.

Of all the people who commented on it hardly any were actually supportive and encouraging, almost all of them basically said don't bother which upsets me but that's a whole other thread, particularly one mutual friend of mine & exH's who said 'what if you're studying several hours commute away and there's problems only a mother can fix' - I translate this as saying 'you're a mum now, don't bother about getting a career or studying as you're only there to look after your kids' possibly being oversensitive?

When I got irritated and said people use childcare all the time to help them while they work or study and it would be a hell of a lot easier if ExH was around to help support and look after his children he commented back saying stuff about 'life choices' and 'you've made your bed now you have to lie in it!'

At this point I just lost the plot, this 'friend' has barely spoken to me since the break up, so he has no idea just how difficult the last year has been for me and I was really upset that he seemed to insinuate that it was all my fault that we broke up and I had done something wrong! Ex was borderline abusive, neglected me and the kids because he spend all his time smoking weed and playing on computer games and I did everything I possibly could to keep us together but in the end I just couldn't do it anymore. And he was defending my ex!

Wibu to tell him exactly what I thought of him and his 'opinion' (I may have used bathe words 'you are a dick :/)

OP posts:
KeepingUpAnon · 08/06/2014 15:42

Yabu. Keep your dirty laundry off fb. This is one of my pet hates, seeing people splashing their personal lives all over fb for anyone to read.

He made a valid point. If I was sole carer of my children I wouldn't consider working or studying a fair distance away.

HavanaSlife · 08/06/2014 15:43

I would pm him what a dick he is then delete him

HavanaSlife · 08/06/2014 15:44

The op hasnt said she will be studying a fair distance away

NickNackNooToYou · 08/06/2014 15:47

I guess he's entitled to his opinion. I'd delete the thread from FB, you've lowered yoursef to his level, hide/unfriend/block him (you don't need friends like that) and do whatever you think is right.

So to answer your question YABU.
YANBU to have a friend clear out and surround yourself with friends who are honest but also supportive.

Original poster
extremepie · 08/06/2014 15:49

I agree Keeping, I never ever normally do that I was just so angry at this 'friend' I felt like I couldn't not say anything :(

The place I want to study is only half an hour on the train, he just assumed it would be a long way away for some reason!

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 08/06/2014 15:50

Stay away from Facebook! You know what your doing, sounds like you've been through crap so put your energies into the positive and don't squander it on stupid people.

Congratulations on your course!

Original poster
extremepie · 08/06/2014 15:52

Nicknack, if I delete the thread won't it look like I've got something to be ashamed of? I'm not ashamed of what I said, I don't care if other people see it either, he was being unreasonable in what he said, ok maybe I should have reacted that way but I just couldn't leave that comment unchallenged :(

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 08/06/2014 15:57

Thank you Time, thing is I'm a stubborn bitch and he actually just makes me that much more determined because he has this attitude of 'well there's no point now you're a mother, just stick to what you know, be a good little woman and don't try to better yourself. Stay at home and be a mother that's all your capable of doing without people to help you'.

Now I'm inclined to think 'well fuck you! I WILL go to uni, I DONT need your help OR your approval and I WILL get a first - so there!'

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincenzo · 08/06/2014 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/06/2014 16:13

Surely you should have an idea what you want to do rather than asking FB? A degree doesn't lead to work in lots of cases so getting into debt for something that may not gain you a job is daft.

It sounds like tit for tat on FB and YABU to argue on there so both as bad as each other. FB is not the place for serious discussions or for arguments unless you only have one friend and it completely locked down. You have your side of the story re the break up and ex will have his, his friends were always likely to take his side as yours would with you.

TheBookofRuth · 08/06/2014 16:13

People saying "don't stoop to their level" allows twats like that to voice whatever thoughtless rubbish comes into their tiny little minds, because they know they won't be challenged on it. You did the right thing by standing up for yourself OP.

Original poster
extremepie · 08/06/2014 16:15

He also seems to think that he is the authority on difficult suggestions as his dad left his mum when he was little when the 2 situations are not even remotely similar! He doesn't have any kids and keeps making stupid suggestions that won't help anything like 'take the kids to play mornings to make friends with other parents' err well the kids are 7&6 so they're at school? He also said something about the kids running my life and I need to be the one in charge, what the hell does that even mean! I'm a single parent and one of my sons has a disability of course they run my life!

Twat!

OP posts:
Raskova · 08/06/2014 16:18

You would not be unreasonable to tell him exactly what you think of him but unless you can do it in a classy and concise way, you'd be wasting your time. He's clearly a fucking idiot.

You've not made your bed and it will be great for your kids to have a well educated mum that has her own career.

Original poster
extremepie · 08/06/2014 16:19

I do have an idea of what to do Happymummy but I wanted to discuss it with others to get their opinions, don't have any friends close to me I can talk it out with!

The courses I'm looking at are in healthcare which means I may get a bursary to help with the cost but am very mindful of the job market as I don't want to end up a graduate who can't get a job but comments like 'you've made your bed now lie in it' are neither helpful nor fair IMO :(

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/06/2014 16:19

YANBU. I'd have answered, yes, ex chose to smoke week and go out rather than be a father.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 08/06/2014 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
extremepie · 08/06/2014 16:22

Well quite, Raskova :)

I'm trained as a chef but chef jobs, while plentiful in my area, are notorious for being low paid, highly stressful and not family friendly at all, not to mention getting childcare is very difficult. He kept saying 'use the skills you already have'! Well funnily enough if I had that option I would already be doing that!

OP posts:
MollyHooper · 08/06/2014 16:33

He sounds like an annoying, know-it-all, numptycunt.

Delete him before he feels the need to gift you with any more of his wisdom.

Raskova · 08/06/2014 16:37

Childcare really is a bastard Angry

I couldn't imagine trying to find something that would work with being a chef. It's hard enough to work with 6.40am-5pm

You can throw your degree in his face when you have it Smile

Nomama · 08/06/2014 16:41

TheBookofRuth there is a difference between stooping to reply in kind, swear words and personal attacks, and standing up for yourself.

OP, I'd reply, "It's so nice to hear from you after all this time. Your viewpoint has been noted and ignored." Then unwatch him, or whatever it is you do on FB.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/06/2014 16:57

You can stand up for yourself without attacking back and not making yourself look silly on a website. Or you can remove the post or just not indulge them.

I wonder if most of the comments were unsupportive as you have said on here you can't work and don't envisage that changing for some time, given people on FB surely know you better then perhaps they believe the uni course will simply put you in debt and not gain you anything from it if you are unable to work anyway.

TheBookofRuth · 08/06/2014 17:01

Yes, but most people don't do either, Nomama. You see it on here all time - people advising others, in the face of some really bloody rude behaviour, to "ignore it", "rise above it", "just forget about it and get on with your day". The perpetrator then gets away with it, and does it again, because they're never challenged on it.

Also, frankly I think there are some people who are just asking to be told "oh do fuck off, you're being a dick".

PerpendicularVincenzo · 08/06/2014 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/06/2014 17:19

Grin I was being nice, pointing out that getting into debt for a degree that you may never finish or use as you can't work due to x, and z is being nice and honest. What's the point in sugar coating it and say of course go for it when it's not the most sensible thing to do? Given most of her FB friends obviously think similar (not just the rude one) then are they not being nice either?

MammaTJ · 08/06/2014 17:21

Sorry OP, but I cannot help but laugh at you changing from chef to HCP because chef work is are notorious for being low paid, highly stressful and not family friendly at all, not to mention getting childcare is very difficult. Can you not see the irony at all?

After laughing at this, I will now say, I did the access course and am now a first year (eek, not for long now) student nurse and it is the best thing I ever did. I do have a supportive partner though. There are women on the course who do not though and I have no clue how they manage it.

I also travel a fair way to uni, although placements are closer.