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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being clingy and unfair to DP? willing to change my ways if so!

43 replies

EyUpMatron · 08/06/2014 14:57

So I've been feeling pissed off now for 3 days because I feel like DP doesn't want to spend time with me. We both work full time, him more hours than me but I work unsociable hours (nights and weekends as well as normal week day hours) and feel like the time we get together should be made use of. It all started on Friday.

Now, Fridays we both tend to finish work at lunch time. I knew he was due to finish at 1.30 and I had the choice to work until 1pm or 3pm. I chose 1pm so that we'd get more time together before the kids got home from school. 12.30 he texts me asking how my day was going and also says he's gone to pick the car up. I knew he'd be picking up the car as it was in for its MOT. 1pm I'm leaving work and ask if he wants me to bring anything in. He replies and says no and he's at the shopping center getting his hair cut. I get in at 1.30, have a quick bite to eat and wait for him to get home. 2pm he texts saying he's at his mums and won't be long. I text back saying "how long? I left at 1pm so we'd have the afternoon together" he replies "5 minutes". 2.30pm the sun is blazing outside, I'm getting fed up and bored and so text him to say "shall I just go out on my own? don't want to waste the afternoon sat in here." and he replies "ok xxx" !!! I sent a stroppy text back and he came home 5 minutes later saying he didn't understand what the problem was as he was only an hour later than what he said he would be. I was pissed off that I'd ruhed home from work to make the most of the afternoon with him and he wasn't arsed in the same way. WIBU?

Friday night we'd bought a bottle of wine to enjoy a movie with. Friday night is "our" night as saturday night we have all the kids here and sunday night I'm working. We normally sit down with a movie and bottle of wine around 7pm - 7.30pm. So .... 8pm comes and goes and I'm sat about on my own waiting for him as he's outside faffing in the garden (I'd tried sitting out there with him but when he's busy there is no point). I went out to ask him if he was coming in anytime soon and he says "5 minutes." He eventually comes in at 8.45pm and says he won't be late in bed tonight as he's tired from faffing in the garden. Again, I was pissed off that he'd chosen not to spend time with me Friday night when he knew we'd bought wine etc especially. WIBU?

Same thing happened Saturday night. Out faffing in the garden until 9pm whilst I'm sat in the house on my own. Tonight I'm at work so my weekend was a bit lonely and boring really.

Now I've been thinking about it today and maybe I am too clingy. Maybe I'm being unfair on him? do couples normally spend time together once they're "cosy" together? Should I cut him some slack?

I think the resentment comes from the fact that I always go out of my way to maximise the time we spend together and half the time, he manages to fill that time with "important stuff" he needs to do.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 08/06/2014 15:01

I can see why he wants to make the most of the light evenings for gardening, and if in practice you normally do spend Friday evening together then the occasional evening off wouldn't hurt. Why don't you help him with the gardening if you want to spend time with him?

WipsGlitter · 08/06/2014 15:05

Fraud at seems like a misunderstanding - he had his afternoon planned and then you decided to finish early.

The other nights I'd have just laid into the wine myself!!

Rivercam · 08/06/2014 15:05

Does he have a job with lots of meetings and deadlines? If so, maybe he doesn't like his free-time to be organised and would rather go with the flows. It is easy when you garden to loose track of the time. Maybe share the important tasks.

Suefla62 · 08/06/2014 15:08

Go and sit outside with the wine and offer him a glass.

FatalCabbage · 08/06/2014 15:08

Did you explicitly say you were making time to spend together?

I agree you could have sought him out in the evening.

I think it sounds like bad communication rather than bad behaviour on either side.

Doinmummy · 08/06/2014 15:08

Why don't you sit down and sort out when you want /can be together and agree on a time? It just sounds like a lack of communication.

EatShitDerek · 08/06/2014 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Arudonto · 08/06/2014 15:13

sounds like your being a little unreasonable.He is not a mind reader so unless you told him I want to spend time together on x...then how was he to know?having wine bought for both of you doesnt mean you both have to sit inside on a nice evening and drink it.

I would hate to have my freetime put on a scedule personally. Why not go out to the garden with him when its such a nice evening?
If weekends are his only freetime to get a lot of garden work done then YABU.

sarinka · 08/06/2014 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
EyUpMatron · 08/06/2014 17:40

I did go outside to sit with him but he just carries on working and hardly acknowledges me. Same today, he's been outside working on a project all day so again, I've not really seen him since we got up this morning.

See tonight, he knows I'm due to set off for work at 6.45pm but I can guarantee he'll be sat on the computer in another room until I leave. At which point he'll jump up and say goodbye - we won't see each other again until tomorrow night so I would have thought he might want to spend an hour with me before I go but he won't.

Yeah I could sit with him at the computer but again, I'll hardly be acknowledged and it's starting to feel like I'm always competing against something for his attention and if I have to ask him to come and spend time with me well, it's not really the same as him wanting to is it.

Like I say if I'm being unfair and clingy I'm willing to accept that.

OP posts:
Objection · 08/06/2014 17:45

Sounds like a lot of nagging to me. YANBU to want to spend time with your OH but YABU to not just sit down and talk to him and instead nag and get a little passive aggressive with him.

Randomeclectic · 08/06/2014 17:46

Did you tell him early Friday that you wanted to meet up at 1.30? It's normal to pop off and do things but obviously if he had previously agreed to meet you at 1.30 friday but let you down, that wouldn't be fair.

We try and watch a film too one night a week but if he wanted to do something else that's fine too. Why don't you just give him a shout when the film starts and watch it yourself? Or alternatively sit out in the garden with a nice glass of wine and a book

Randomeclectic · 08/06/2014 17:47

Do you have any hobbies or go out with your friends?

HecatePropylaea · 08/06/2014 17:47

Just tell him how you feel.
My mum does the whole 'if he loved me he'd know / if i have to ask it's meaningless' thing and its very frustrating.
If you are unhappy - communicate it.
Darling, spending time with you is important to me. We dont get a lot of opportunities to spend time as a couple and it hurts me when you prioritise routine stuff above that. It makes me feel we are losing our closeness and intimacy...

You shouldnt fume and make little comments and think he should just know what you want.
Lay it out for him.
If you were doing something that was upsetting him, youd want him to talk to you about it, wouldnt you?

Randomeclectic · 08/06/2014 17:49

You would probably be better off going out for a drink together so that you can have quality time alone without distraction.

YouTheCat · 08/06/2014 17:52

I'd just have joined in with doing stuff in the garden tbh. That way it might not have taken so long and you could have had a nice bath and some wine afterwards.

It all sounds a bit rigid tbh.

littlegreengloworm · 08/06/2014 17:53

What I think is he is very comfortable and enjoying his life.
You're not wrong in wanting to spend this time with him but it does seem forced. Also by creating a bad atmosphere, he's not going to run to spending time.

I'd sy the way around this is to say to him, well in advance 'are we still on for that movie at seven or do you want to make the best of the weather'

He might say 'I'd love to get the garden in order but we could relax by 9?'

Sometimes it's just crossed wires. I have to explain to dh a lot of the time what I want. He said he'd rather that than be go off on one out of nowhere.

RoseberryTopping · 08/06/2014 17:56

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable if this is what it's like all the time. If it's just the past couple of weekends then maybe so.

We make a lot of effort to spend time together, especially if we haven't had much recently. I'd be annoyed if DP kept palming me off to do other things.

APlaceInTheWinter · 08/06/2014 17:59

I think you have to tell him if you expect him to spend time with you eg it doesn't sound as though you had a firm arrangement for Friday so he was doing his own stuff.

The 'just another 5 mins' response would annoy me tbh. It's not hard to say 'actually I'm going to be in the garden all night or 'I'm staying at my mum's for an hour'. Maybe he didn't realise you wanted an accurate answer or maybe he was worried you'd sulk if he said he wasn't coming home/in straight away?

I think it's ok not to spend all your time together but it's also ok for you to say you do want his company. sits firmly on the fence

LittleBearPad · 08/06/2014 18:05

At what time did you tell him you were finishing work early to spend time with him. On Friday afternoon, earlier?

Why not go into the garden and chat to him. It's quite hard to ignore someone chatting to you.

How long have you been together?

BackforGood · 08/06/2014 18:09

I think YABU.
On the Fri afternoon - if I've read it right, you hadn't arranged a lunch-date or anything, and he did some errands that obviously need to be done when the shops are open (haircut) - I would be genuinely confused at what you were even cross about if I were him, let alone thinking you were BU for being cross once you'd explained.
The two evenings - why on earth didn't you go out an join in the gardening if it's that important to you you are in the same space ? Confused. If you have things to maintain in the garden, there are few enough opportunities to do it with the mixed weather we've been having, so it's pretty normal to take advantage of the time. You could have relaxed inside on your own, or relaxed outside and watched him work while you sat around, or joined in with whatever he was doing. I see no reason to be cross at him.

ILiveOnABuildsite · 08/06/2014 18:32

My dh does a lot in the garden in the evenings and weekends, he likes to maintain and improve the garden and the evening are light now. I'm not a gardener by nature and I get cold or too hot easily so tend to stay inside more or be in and out if I'm desperate to spend time with him. To be honest I'm fairly busy with my own stuff then, it's pretty much the only time I get to really get into my book or the likes.

Dh and I do like to spend time together without dd when we can but we also need time on our own when dd isn't around or asleep. It's just nice to know he is around the house/garden somewhere, it doesn't feel lonely for me, not like I'm actually alone in the house. We tend to make each other cups of tea every 45mins or so so we have a little chat then. Maybe try something like that?

FunkyBoldRibena · 08/06/2014 18:48

Crikey OP if you were my partner I'd have buried you under a new patio by now Wink. I need time alone and it's not often we have lovely warm evenings to do stuff in the garden or in the afternoons if I manage to get away from work early. Back off a bit and find some hobbies/interests of your own!

littlewhitebag · 08/06/2014 18:56

My DH likes to spend summer evenings pottering in the garden. Film nights are for deepest, darkest winter. I sit out and chat to him and drink wine as he potters. It's lovely.

We also spend a lot of time pottering on our laptops and not really talking just 'being'.

If i want to have a good chat with DH i find it best to go out for drinks and dinner. Maybe you could do this on Friday evening instead?

Rainbunny · 08/06/2014 19:13

I get how you're feeling but maybe you need to change the way you communicate this to your DP? He won't feel very cozy if you express your desire to spend quality time with him by being annoyed at him (which I'm sure you know, it can be hard not to be annoyed).

For a start it sounds as though you have different ideas of how you plan your free time. Can you make adjustments to your planned activity (for example take the bottle of wine outside and join your DP in the garden for the evening instead of watching the movie?). I also think that life can get busy and sometimes it's better to adjust plans and go with the flow than to cling onto the original "perfect evening or afternoon" plan if it looks like it's not happening. I really get you though, I'm a planner and by no means as easy going as I wish I was. I have to actively work at not getting annoyed and holding a grudge if my planned activity is changed by circumstances.

On the other hand, it does sound as though your DP is being a bit disrespectful to your time and schedule. If you both planned to spend Friday afternoon together and he was well aware of this plan, then it does seem as though he rather blew you off and didn't much care that you were waiting at home for him. I'm going to guess that this isn't new behaviour?

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