Am I being clingy and unfair to DP? willing to change my ways if so!

[EyUpMatron]

So I've been feeling pissed off now for 3 days because I feel like DP doesn't want to spend time with me. We both work full time, him more hours than me but I work unsociable hours (nights and weekends as well as normal week day hours) and feel like the time we get together should be made use of. It all started on Friday.

Now, Fridays we both tend to finish work at lunch time. I knew he was due to finish at 1.30 and I had the choice to work until 1pm or 3pm. I chose 1pm so that we'd get more time together before the kids got home from school. 12.30 he texts me asking how my day was going and also says he's gone to pick the car up. I knew he'd be picking up the car as it was in for its MOT. 1pm I'm leaving work and ask if he wants me to bring anything in. He replies and says no and he's at the shopping center getting his hair cut. I get in at 1.30, have a quick bite to eat and wait for him to get home. 2pm he texts saying he's at his mums and won't be long. I text back saying "how long? I left at 1pm so we'd have the afternoon together" he replies "5 minutes". 2.30pm the sun is blazing outside, I'm getting fed up and bored and so text him to say "shall I just go out on my own? don't want to waste the afternoon sat in here." and he replies "ok xxx" !!! I sent a stroppy text back and he came home 5 minutes later saying he didn't understand what the problem was as he was only an hour later than what he said he would be. I was pissed off that I'd ruhed home from work to make the most of the afternoon with him and he wasn't arsed in the same way. WIBU?

Friday night we'd bought a bottle of wine to enjoy a movie with. Friday night is "our" night as saturday night we have all the kids here and sunday night I'm working. We normally sit down with a movie and bottle of wine around 7pm - 7.30pm. So .... 8pm comes and goes and I'm sat about on my own waiting for him as he's outside faffing in the garden (I'd tried sitting out there with him but when he's busy there is no point). I went out to ask him if he was coming in anytime soon and he says "5 minutes." He eventually comes in at 8.45pm and says he won't be late in bed tonight as he's tired from faffing in the garden. Again, I was pissed off that he'd chosen not to spend time with me Friday night when he knew we'd bought wine etc especially. WIBU?

Same thing happened Saturday night. Out faffing in the garden until 9pm whilst I'm sat in the house on my own. Tonight I'm at work so my weekend was a bit lonely and boring really.

Now I've been thinking about it today and maybe I am too clingy. Maybe I'm being unfair on him? do couples normally spend time together once they're "cosy" together? Should I cut him some slack?

I think the resentment comes from the fact that I always go out of my way to maximise the time we spend together and half the time, he manages to fill that time with "important stuff" he needs to do.

To be honest it sounds like you are making all these plans in your head but not letting him know and just assuming he will understand/fall in with your plans by some sort of magical osmosis. He's just relaxing in his own home, doing little jobs, not deliberately ignoring you.

my advice is this. sit down together and go to 5lovelanguages.com. we express love in 5 ways, and tend to favour one or two. you show love in the way you want to receive it, but thats not necessarily how dp shows it. your primary language is clearly time spent together.

i also think that blocking marriage time in on the diary is a good option. it can be postponed but not cancelled. so doing the gardening yesterday would mean that he owed you some time tonight.

neither of you are bu, but i think you would benefit from bettet communication.

You do sound quite needy in honesty. Also, you are expecting him to read your mind, while he is happy companionably pottering around his home. If I was him I'd find your behaviour baffling and fell like I was walking on eggshells.

If you were watching a Film you wouldn't be chatting either so what difference does it make if he doesn't chat to you when gardening? Just sit out in the sun in compatible silence! Or if you want to talk about something specific, ask him when he's in the mood to talk! You can't force the man to have scheduled QT with you!

Why is watching a film together (in silence) any different to you sitting in the sun while he gardens (in silence)?

If I were you, I'd go out and join him! Bring a book and enjoy the sunshine - offer him a drink or a beer or ask him what he wants for dinner and just go with the flow. Scheduling stuff so rigidly almost never works because life is just not like that.

Also, if you want to spend quality time with him after work, TELL HIM. He's not going to have the faintest idea otherwise!

You don't seem to have communicated any of your plans to your DH, how is he supposed to know what you want?

YABU

You sound a bit clingy to me. Sorry.

Your dp either isn't on the same page wrt how much time you want to spend together and doesnt realise its not enough for you. Or he knows exactly how much time you want to spend with him and is making a bid for freedom.

Op, how long have you and dp been together? How old are your dc? Your expectations do seem slightly unusual for someone in a long term relationship with dc.

Sorry, but to be honest I think you do sound a bit clingy.

It just sounds like you're not on the same page tbh. If Friday night is your night, you need to communicate what that means and agree it. If it was say 'about the house night' or 'relax at home night' he might thing doing the garden was ideal or even doing a favour.

You do sound a little bit clingy, but then again it doesn't sound like you get much quality time with your DP do I think other posters ought to give you some slack for that.

I also think you need to speak to your DP about spending time together. It's all too easy for those of us where both parties work 9-5 (isn) but that much harder with shifts.

You problem here is not the gardening, or even the gaming. It's finding time for the two iof you to spend time together actuall paying attention to each other. DVDs don't really achieve that either - the proximity is better, but it's no interaction between the two of you.

Can you make plans to actually do stuff together? Things that involve talking or playing? Or even a task that needs two?

And also tell him that you want time together, and ask him to come up with ideas too. Kick start the process, but do not become the one who has to do all of it all the time.

I'd go a step further and say you are being controlling rather than the lesser self-accusation of 'clingy'.

Turn the situation around and look at it in reverse. If it was him insisting you stop what you're enjoying doing on your weekend off in order to do what he wants you to do, there'd be cries of 'this is abuse'.

Everyone deserves some freedom and headspace, regardless of their gender.

You say he works long hours too?

YABU, give the guy a break.

But if Friday is always without fail film night then his behaviour is odd.

My DH became odd. Turns out he was having an affair.

I think you need to improve your communication/planning. We will frequently ask each other what we're planning for the rest of the evening/weekend or when the other one will come home from work. I can see why you're frustrated when you were hoping for particular arrangements but it doesn't look like you ever shared this with him.

Only in the world of Mumsnet would someone suggest that a man taking the opportunity to make the most of an actual bit of good weather and longer evenings by pottering around the garden for an hour rather than watch a film which is what is done on Friday nights "without fail" is odd behaviour and therefore quite possibly grounds for suspicion he is having an affair.

FFS, AllabouttheE

I think most would probably say you are being unreasonable, because if you look at it unemotionally you can say oh you are too clingy, give him some space and so on but I can imagine behaving that way myself if I felt hurt that my partner was not showing the same enthusiasm or interest.

It gets very tiring and is quite hurtful if you are always the one pursuing. In a perfect world we would all be confident enough to not be too upset by someone not making the same effort for us as we do for them. I can really relate to what you said about having a lonely weekend after doing your best to spend some special time together and being disappointed it didn't work out.

YABU - stop suffocating the poor man and let him get on with stuff. Why are you sitting inside waiting for him whilst he is gardening - why didn't you go out there with him or just enjoy the peace and enjoy your wine - more for you!

As for finishing work early to be with him - he probably had his day planned and then you come along and because you are finishing early expect him to change what he is doing.

DH does this to me very occassionally and it does my bloody brain in.

You do sound insecure? How is your relationship usually?

If he had buggered off down the pub, I'd be more understanding but he was doing the gardening.