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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell him to feck off? He is still out since Friday, I have been crying all day and at the end of my teather now

102 replies

Paranoidandroid2 · 07/06/2014 21:23

My partner has a history of going out with his mates, telling me he would be back by midnight and stumbling in drunk at 5 am or the day after. I woke up this morning and he was not there, he texted me to say he is at his mates and 'needs this'. Well, I certainly do not need this and texted him to tell him not to come back. He stayed at his mates all day and did not try to make amends. I was so exhausted crying and physically hurting, he betrayed my trust again. I called him around 6 pm to ask when he was coming back to get his things, as I wanted to be out then. I was also worried as he did not call or text for several hours by then. He told me what he did was not so bad and I was overreacting and he was not going to apologise again (he texted 'sorry' in the morning. He put the phone down but then texted that he is a twat but he never cheats and would never hurt me. I texted to say he had hurt me and would he want to be with someone who behaved like him, because I would not. He texted 'sorry' again. I texted that I wanted to put the house on the market next week and he said he would have to think about it.

I know this is all jumbled up but I am so upset, we have been together for over three years and it never has come to this, he would come back and apologise. He only goes out every month or so, sometimes more, but last time he came back and told me he was an alcoholic and would stop drinking. That was three weeks ago.

Before you ask, he has lots of redeeming features, he is lovely and helpful and does a lot for me, including helping with raising my 10yo DD. We are both working, in our early 30s. Is this how a 31 yo partner should be? I know he loves me and will apologise, but this has shaken me up and just wanted to ask if you think I should LTB.

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 08/06/2014 11:29

I understand you are upset but I think you are sending out mixed messages here. You just dumped him by text message but seem really confused as to why he doesn't want to come home or discuss it. If I received messages like that I would think the relationship was over and I wasn't welcome. His behaviour is unacceptable but I would advise not making drastic decisions like ending the relationship or putting the house on the market in the heat of the moment. Except in cases of abuse, I don't think it is appropriate to end a 3 year relationship by text.

Topaz25 · 08/06/2014 11:31

Oh and you are asking if you should LTB but your OP reads like you have already left him, telling him not to come back, telling him to arrange to collect his stuff and telling him you want to put the house on the market.

Hissy · 08/06/2014 12:09

Atm he's playing you like a piano. Stop it!

Stop texting him, stop hanging on his every word and action. Be strong. You deserve better than this.

Go out. Do something today, something you will enjoy. Don't sit there waiting for him.

Sending him it's over, come get your stuff and i'm getting the estate agents in is just panicking and it's obvious to him that it doesn't mean a thing.

In circumstances like these, silence is the strongest negotiation tactic you have.

When he comes back, please end it, properly, and for good.

Look at what he's reduced you to and promise yourself that you'll never allow this again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/06/2014 12:14

" I know some friends will think IABU as their opinion of him is that he is 'such a lovely man'."
Well, there's something else that you need to attend to. You need to be truthful about your life with him; lying, alcoholism, jealousy/hypocrisy, coke, probable cheating. Sing 'nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors' if that's easier. But make it clear to your friends that their view of him is limited and that there is good reason behind this breakup. Otherwise you may feel pressured to restart your relationship, which frankly would be a mistake Sad.

Original poster
Paranoidandroid2 · 08/06/2014 18:44

Thanks for being here for me, I came to some conclusions thanks to you all. I cannot make him move out, but I am calling the shots from now on. I spent the whole day doing the clearout we planned and I have this great feeling that I am in control of the situation. In the afternoon he came back and wanted to talk, I said I need a couple of days to think things through and make some decisions. I am going to leave him hanging for a couple of days, just like he did to me. Meanwhile I am going to see some friends, take my mind of it all and get some perspective. I am most likely leaving him, just want a clear head for that discusdion. Luckily my daughter is with her dad until tomorrow, so I am going to see a friend now to talk this through.

OP posts:
wellthatsdoneit · 09/06/2014 09:14

Hope you are ok OP. I think you are doing the right thing by leaving him. This is a repeated pattern of behaviour. More than anything it would be the persistent lying that would mean the end of it for me.

SuperLoveFuzz · 10/06/2014 22:49

Hi OP, how are things today?

Original poster
Paranoidandroid2 · 14/06/2014 09:29

Just to update you all. I spoke to my friend, who asked me if I thought I was controlling, she said I have a good man (suprise suprise) and we all have our faults. I have decided to let it go and had a long conversation with my partner. He told me he was scared to tell me he wants to be out till late in case I get mad. I told him I just want him home when he comes back, so I'd rather he took a cab if he is out late.
Yesterday he went out and told me he was not going to stay too late. I did not even ask for time! He told me he is taking a cab home. Guess what? He is still not home. He walked to his friends home, txtd me that he is staying there and can video call me if I don't believe they are on their own.
I am repulsed by his lack of respect to me. Is counselling even worth considering?

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 14/06/2014 09:36

I don't think anyone here can answer that for you. You're clearly very unhappy.

He sounds extremely selfish and I say that from the perspective of usually being quite harsh on women who make a song and dance about their blokes having nights out. Yours is beyond pushing his luck.

magoria · 14/06/2014 09:37

Why do you want a relationship with an alcoholic drug user?

The only person he is ever going to put first is himself and his desire to party, get drunk and high.

While you sit at home alone wondering if tonight is the night the dink or drugs will kill him.

Your 10 year old DD is seeing this is how relationships are. Woman sits at home alone, man fucks off partying and wasting ££ weekend. Your P may have a few redeeming features. What if her choice modelled on yours doesn't?

RandomMess · 14/06/2014 09:42

Well have answer, you aren't being controlling he is a cocklodger. Time to split.

glasgowstevenagain · 14/06/2014 09:45

You gave him a final chance to prove himself. He did not.

He does not respect you. He does not change.

You need to tell him to move out. He has no need to be in your life. No child etc.

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/06/2014 09:45

He isn't shagging your mate by any chance is he. That's a very strange thing for her to ask you.

campingfilth · 14/06/2014 09:51

Thank god I don't have friends like yours. Seriously get rid

Bogeyface · 14/06/2014 09:53

He hasnt tried at all has he?

He made excuses about why he had been so selfish in the past, promised not to do it last night and as soon as he left the house....bingo.

I am afraid that I suspect an OW too, why would he offer to video call to prove it was just them when you hadnt suggested it wasnt? He seems to be anticipating what you might say and trying to forestall you.

Get rid.

magoria · 14/06/2014 09:56

The video is weird. All anyone else has to do is not be in that room for 30 seconds. It proves nothing. He must think he is amazingly clever to suggest it.

Bogeyface · 14/06/2014 09:57

And I wonder if he suggested it because he knew your reaction would be a No.

Famzilla · 14/06/2014 09:57

I think you need to tell your friends the truth. You're not hiding it from them to protect him, you're hiding it from them because you plan on staying with him whatever he does and don't want a RL chorus of LTB's.

I'm sorry OP but this is not going to stop. I know 30, 40, even 50 year olds that go on coke binges every weekend. My uncle died from a heart attack at 42 from a coke binge, did the people he was doing it with never do it again? Did they fuck, 2 heart attacks in that group & counting.

You have 2 choices, accept this behaviour or leave.

PhaedraIsMyName · 14/06/2014 10:14

I agree with the posters who say this is a terrible example of a relationship to put before your daughter.

APiratesMummy · 14/06/2014 10:44

This could have been me 7 years ago. My ex would go out, there would be promises of coming home at a certain time then he'd be gone for the rest of the weekend. I thought he'd change, it'd stop for a few weeks then he'd do it again.

He seriously did not give a shit about my feelings and I bizarrely tried to keep the relationship going (I say bizarrely now but at the time it seemed like the most reasonable thing in the world).

Dumping his ass was the best decision I ever made.

APiratesMummy · 14/06/2014 10:46

Oh, and it turned out he was not spending these impromptu sleepovers at his mates' as he led me to believe....quelle surprise...

clam · 14/06/2014 11:00

Well, there's obviously something that's luring him out with his mates that's more appealing than his feelings for you.
Whether that's alcohol, cocaine, other women or what, it doesn't matter. What's clear is where you and your feelings feature in his priorities.

YouTheCat · 14/06/2014 11:38

He really is not going to change. Not for you. Not for anyone.

Put his stuff in black bags and leave it in the garden.

Neverknowingly · 14/06/2014 12:13

Your DP sounds like a twat and your friend sounds like a twat.

Do you have any positive adult relationships in RL because it sounds like you really need some.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/06/2014 16:47

"I am repulsed by his lack of respect to me. Is counselling even worth considering?"
You are right to be repulsed, and no, counselling isn't going to be worth a damn here. That only has a place when those being counselled WANT to change but don't know how to. He really doesn't want to change Sad.

Now would be the time to take your focus off him and to place it on you and your daughter. Those saying that this is not modelling good relationships are absolutely correct. What do you want for her? This?

Oh, and your frenemy friend, who asked you if you thought you were controlling - she's a twat. Or maybe her relationship is so shit yours looks good in comparison. Either way, her opinion (that you "have a good man" ) is wrong, and her advice, that persuaded you to "let it go", should be ignored.

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