to tell him to feck off? He is still out since Friday, I have been crying all day and at the end of my teather now

[Paranoidandroid2]

My partner has a history of going out with his mates, telling me he would be back by midnight and stumbling in drunk at 5 am or the day after. I woke up this morning and he was not there, he texted me to say he is at his mates and 'needs this'. Well, I certainly do not need this and texted him to tell him not to come back. He stayed at his mates all day and did not try to make amends. I was so exhausted crying and physically hurting, he betrayed my trust again. I called him around 6 pm to ask when he was coming back to get his things, as I wanted to be out then. I was also worried as he did not call or text for several hours by then. He told me what he did was not so bad and I was overreacting and he was not going to apologise again (he texted 'sorry' in the morning. He put the phone down but then texted that he is a twat but he never cheats and would never hurt me. I texted to say he had hurt me and would he want to be with someone who behaved like him, because I would not. He texted 'sorry' again. I texted that I wanted to put the house on the market next week and he said he would have to think about it.

I know this is all jumbled up but I am so upset, we have been together for over three years and it never has come to this, he would come back and apologise. He only goes out every month or so, sometimes more, but last time he came back and told me he was an alcoholic and would stop drinking. That was three weeks ago.

Before you ask, he has lots of redeeming features, he is lovely and helpful and does a lot for me, including helping with raising my 10yo DD. We are both working, in our early 30s. Is this how a 31 yo partner should be? I know he loves me and will apologise, but this has shaken me up and just wanted to ask if you think I should LTB.

[Bogeyface]

I meant to add

LTB

[Bogeyface]

Oh and he doesnt have to think about selling the house. If you split up and you are joint mortgagees than you are will within your rights to force a sale. Just make sure you have all the paperwork in your possession regarding who paid what so you get back what you paid in.

[Paranoidandroid2]

Thanks bogeyface, even though Idon't think he did cheat, I can never be sure, I was not there. Will get an estate agent in next week. I so wanted this relationship to work, I can honestly say it was the first time I felt so happy with someone and I know he is happy with me, that is why I did not mind ocassional blips at first. But he made me so miserable today, I hardly recognise myself. Will try to fall asleep now.

[Monty27]

How can you love a twat like that, you can't love yourself much.

He doesn't seem very sorry either or he'd get his very sorry arse home and hasn't.

Change the locks.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

OP As someone who enjoyed going out with friends (some of whom were also parents) on an occasional bender when I was supposed to be a responsible 31 year old mother I can sympathise with your man . I don't think it's another woman, I can completely understand the we're having a good time, don't stop now vibe. I very much doubt he is cheating.

However a 3 day bender is a serious problem.

[Monty27]

Ph was your dp at home in tears? I doubt it.

[wafflyversatile]

If you want to split up with your boyfriend split with your boyfriend. It's really that simple.

You don't need our permission or agreement that he is in the wrong. You don't need him to be an alcoholic. You don't need his agreement.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

You misunderstand me. I don't think there is anything wrong in either partner having the odd rolling home at sunrise moment. But staying out more than 1 night to me sounds like he is an alcoholic not a cheater. I'd obviously prefer neither but alcoholic is worse.

It might be coke, he's on, I don't know, either way I'd want no part.

BTW , If this house is jointly owned I'm afraid the change the locks and put his bags on the street option is poor advice. He might be an objectionable idiot but OP has not suggested he is violent, it's his house too and staying away from home, even for several days is, whether OP likes it or not, his choice

[MrsItsNoworNotatAll]

OP, I hope you've managed some kip X

I would tolerate something like this only once or twice but no more. Do yourself a favour and get rid. There are better men out there than this one.

[GhettoFabulous]

It doesn't matter what is or isn't acceptable in other people's relationships - you're not happy and he doesn't care.

[SirChenjin]

Yes - it is his choice. It's also her choice as to whether or not she throws him out or lets him back in, given his utter lack of respect, feeling and consideration for her.

[Hissy]

I don't get why you are getting yourself so upset that your crying all day and not sleeping.

No man is worth that. He's got some kind of issue with drink, he's done coke, and lied. Atm he's out awol. So just let him.

Stop agonising over what he is or isn't doing. It won't make any difference to him if you have a sleepless weekend, and he certainly doesn't care about the effects of his decisions.

If you can put up with this kind of shit, showing your 10yo what men are like so that she ends up with worse, then that's your decision.

You can't make him behave in any way at all. That's his choice.

It's your choice to choose to prioritise yourself and your dd over a man that's as disrespectful and idiotic as this.

Hope you can turn this around and stop basing your mood on the actions of a manchild. Detach and grow, leave him behind.

It'll be the best decision you've made in a while. You can do this.

[TroyMcClure]

are you sure its DRINK and not drugs?

[TroyMcClure]

oh sorry - missed the middle bit

[YouTheCat]

So he's said this is the first time he's done cocaine since uni? Yeah right. He's lying there too.

OP you'll be well rid and not end up worrying about when this bloke will be back for the rest of your life if you chuck him out now. He's not worth it. He doesn't respect you and he lies.

[Paranoidandroid2]

Managed eight hours of sleep solid and feeling much netter now after reading your responses. True, I do not need anyone to give me permission to leave, but I do not share his behaviour with anyone in RL. A lot of people I am friends with know him through work, so I will not be sharing details of why we split up with them, I would not like him to if the situation was reversed. That is why I needed some support and someone to tell me IANBU, as I know some friends will think IABU as their opinion of him is that he is 'such a lovely man'. It is uplifting hearing your stories and opinions, makes me feel like I can do this and should do for myself and my daughter.

[Paranoidandroid2]

Apologies for typos, typing on my phone.

[Paranoidandroid2]

Hissy I know I should not be crying, I guess this is the price to pay when you let yourself trust someone and care about someone deeply. We have been together through a lot and I always felt like he is my rock, to have that removed from your life overnight hurts like hell.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

sirchenjin it's her choice to end the relationship and force a sale of the house. It's not her choice to throw him out of a house they own jointly.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

OP, he doesn't sound like a rock from the way you described him.

[Kittymautz]

Glad you managed a good night's sleep. Things always feel so much worse late at night. I hope you feel a bit stronger this morning.

It's not just about what he might or might not be up to when he's out on his bender. It's the total disrespect of you and your feelings. I bet he doesn't treat his friends with such disrespect. You deserve better than him.

[VSeth]

No point trying to reason with someone who has been drinking (and doing coke?)

Ask yourself why you are so angry and what effect his behaviour is having on you. Is it money he is spending? Is it the drink? Had he made plans with you? You say he goes out once a month?

Does your DD really need to see you in melt down about him going out? I say have a chat in a couple of days.

[Applelicious]

OP, stay strong. You and your DD are worth much more.

[VSeth]

Just read the full thread. It was glaringly obvious that he was doing coke.

Hope you are ok OP. Have a nice day with your DD? She doesn't deserve the hysterics

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I had one of these. He would call from work and say he would be home in an hour. Then 3 hours later, another call-in the pub with mates. (He did have a coterie of hard drinking pals, and I think he really was out drinking.) I would then get a text at around 11 saying he was on his way home... But then, often, the phone would be switched off, and he would roll in with the sunrise.
I later found out he had been cheating on me with the same woman for 2 years. 2 YEARS.
Oh, and he was very jealous towards me, and made me feel like I was crazy and paranoid.
Get rid OP, I doubt you know the half of it.