Don't stress me out. AIBU?

[Etah]

This morning I had to leave early for my course and I left our daughter with H.

His parents came to visit and after my course I went to meet with them all at the high street.
We were walking in a shopping centre looking at shop windows, when H saw a pair of sandals that he liked.
He mentioned something about "needing" one pair for our holidays (it is going to be only 1 week holiday and the only time of the year he will wear sandals).
I pointed out that he has one pair already, not exactly the same, but very similar (same brand) and he doesn't need another pair.

He than said the two sandals were not the same and he liked the one in the shop.
I said that we are already spending a lot on this holiday (paid for already) and still have to find spending money for it, also we are attending a wedding just before the holiday....and on the top of that we are going through an unexpected financial muddle at the moment and we need to be extra careful with money otherwise we will be in trouble. Why thinking about buying a second pair of sandals similar to the one he got already and he will use only for 1 week of the year?

(I may have said no one (at the holiday place) cares about what one another is wearing and no one will be taking pictures of his feet)

He then said very abruptly "Don't stress me out!"

What? I was just having an adult conversation! I didn't think I said anything wrong and certainly wasn't being rude to him, why he can't talk about those things without getting stressed? Sure this is normal conversation between adults who are tied financially?

So he entered the next shop where his parents were. I stood on the outside, open mouth and stunned, not knowing what to think...then he came back and said he was not going to tolerate me stressing him out anymore...I than calmly asked him if he realises we are in financial troubles? because doesn't seem he knows it yet...he said of course he knows about our money problems but he was just "thinking' about buying it, not "buying' it and I stressed him out.

(he loves shopping btw and holiday is a perfect excuse)

So I said that I don't think it was fair of him being rude to me just because I gave him my opinion and I wanted his house keys because I was just going to go home and leave them all to it. (I had forgotten my keys at home when left).

He said: Just go then, and gave me the keys.

I started to move and go, and he stopped me, asking if I was going to tell his parents I was going back home? but I said I would see them back in the house later, so what is the point?

He then said that I couldn't possibly just go home and not say "good bye see you later at home" to his parents.....

But I did. I just came home. Turned my back on him and came home.

I will not tolerate him being rude to me. I was not trying to stress him out. And he could have spoken properly to me if I was saying things he didn't like.

Setting the boundaries bar up high.

YANBU. My Ex had a head in sand attitude to our finances to the extent we ended up homeless (and then divorced). I wish to God I'd known what was going on. He wouldn't let me be involved in our finances. When the shit hit the fan, I realised why he'd been so evasive/deceptive, but not till too late! He had a massive sense of entitlement and couldn't see that you can't always have what you want whenever you want it. The world is full of lovely things, but if you are having a financial blip, then it's sensible to put unecessary purchases on the back burner and stick to a budget.

I also agree that today's incident is more about 'the bigger' picture financially and I agree with you on your attitude to spending. Maybe you didn't deal with it at the right time/place but it is something you are very wise to tackle. My situation is the worst case scenario about life with someone who doesn't care about tomorrow and wants it all NOW.

Thanks Monterayjack
My H seems to have the same attitude to your XH...but mine at least lets me and needs me to control the finances, because he won't.
Thank God I can still have some sort of control.

Well he has being very sweet since so it seems he knows he was the one be U and also I will not be spoken to in a rude manner.
I didn't express myself the best I could but I was never rude.
I am glad I stood up for myself, even though his parents suffered in the process.

'he could have put his point across nicely.'

Can't you see the hypocrisy in this op? He was responding to the way YOU spoke to him - which was rude, condescending and controlling. If my dh had spoken to me like that I would have said more than your dh, and he would have deserved it.

You talk about setting the bar high, yet the way you spoke to him makes it seem like you set the bar for YOUR treatment of him significantly lower than the behaviour you expect from him.

I'm actually amazed that you think how he spoke to you is so bad, but couldn't see that how you spoke to him was worse.

As for stropping off home without speaking to his parents - rude and childish. Then when they got home you were sulking UPSTAIRS like a child instead of greeting them like a grown up AGAIN.

Your dh is a nicer person than me. I wouldn't have come up to offer you a cup of tea I'd have pointed out that you were massively rude, petty and childish.

You sound like a bit of a nagging pain to be honest.

I'm glad sandal-gate is calming down Etah.
It's really good that the most responsible person financially (ie you) is in control of them. It's not ideal that one person has the most control but as long as that person keeps the other informed and discusses financial decisions and makes sure they are in agreement before signing the paperwork etc, then maybe that's the way it needs to be. Some people just don't seem to have any sense of caution with money and let it slip through their fingers like sand. Some like my EX, absolutely CANNOT to be trusted to deal sensibly with the household finances. I'm glad you are being firm. I'd hate for anyone else to wind up in the state I ended up in.

QuizzicalCat
I understand what you are saying but I guess I can explain my tone of voice and facial expressions and his tone of voice and facial expressions.
As I said in the OP he was so rude that I stood speechless outside the shop.
I may have had wrong choice of words and I take responsibility for this but my tone was good.
He got stressed because he wants to leave in dreamland and not face the issue.
Yes I burst his bubble but it is time he wakes up.

Look, we are going to this wedding and I have a perfectly nice dress that I wore only once 3 years ago. He is telling me to buy another dress.
Really?

Talking to a grown man like a child IS rude and condescending.

You keep saying that you weren't rude. You were. First. And then you behaved like a child.

You really were the catalyst, and blaming him for reacting rudely to YOUR rudeness is ridiculous. You went on and on, talking to him like a child, making your point over and over.

I don't like rudeness, but I would have told you to fuck off if you were talking to me in such a condescending way in public.

I meant I can not explain the tone of voices and facial expressions, just write down the words we used.

Well Quizzie I know it is AIBU and I know and acknowledge few pages ago that I NEED to work hard on my communication skills.

I guess it is all in the tone of voice really. Even though I was a poor communicator, my tone was not offensive.
He didn't tell me to fuck off but I the tone was there.

Dear lord this sounds like my marriage sometimes. I have to reign in DH from buying multiple motorcycles (we owned 3 at one point but no car) a metric crap ton of home brew kits, he has a collection of clothing that Mariah Carey would envy.. and then there was trailergate. The stupid effing trailer that I told him we didn't need. The trailer we can't actually pull anywhere because we don't have a tow hitch on our car. The trailer that is sitting in our driveway collecting crap like a giant rolling skip (which is exactly what I said I didn't want to happen). Trailergate was the fight to end all fights. It ended up magically appearing in my drive after he swore he wasn't buying it.

OP you might have been speaking like his parent (I know it can happen when your DH acts very impulsively like a child) and he didn't like it and snapped. You however have my deepest sympathies- since I guarantee this was about more than a pair of sandals. This was about spending habits and budgeting on a whole and it just happened to bubble up on your shopping trip. Definitely worth sitting down after it all calms down and working through it together.

I have to disagree with the 'tone of voice' thing. It's not just tone, it's the words you use.

YANBU
Perhaps it's 'stressing you out' having to take sole responsibility for your finances.
If he didn't spend above your means you wouldn't feel this way.
It is not fair that you have fewer clothes.
Is there any spare money after bills? If not than every purchase will need to be agreed as it will eat into money for food/petrol.
If there is I'd open a new account and after a certain date each month when bills have been paid put your spare money into here. Or put yours here so you can save/spend and he gets his in cold hard cash.

What would happen if you spent money like him?

Have a joint account for family money. Each have a separate account for personal spend?

That's what we do, cuts out all arguments about who buys what useless thing