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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let 17yr old DS go? AIBU?

83 replies

potbellyroast · 06/06/2014 21:53

DS 17 asked if he could go on holiday with a friend and his parents. 2 other friends his age will be going and they are following the parents there (300 miles) in one of the lads (also 17) car. I agreed as I am happy that friends parents will ensure as much as possible their safety. Will still be a nervous wreck until he gets home safely though.

He's now asked if he could go wild camping with these 3 lads plus another friend. The journey will be about 100 miles (no parents). I have no issue with the camping - I would say yes if it was more local or if i could take him there myself. My difficulty is 4 lads all 17 in a car knowing how they can wind each other up and the situation may become dangerous.

I would genuinely like to know if I am BU. DS think I am. Do you? Should I change my mind and let him go? Is this double standards as I've already said yes to the other holiday?

OP posts:
Original poster
potbellyroast · 06/06/2014 22:20

*sat nav!!

OP posts:
serin · 06/06/2014 22:20

I think most teenagers are aware that if they have even one bump these days the price of their insurance will be astronomical. They therefore seem to drive a lot more sensibly than when I was 17!

In all honesty I think most kids have much better reaction times than some older drivers.

Could be worse! They could be off to Kavos.

MyFirstName · 06/06/2014 22:22

I would also say that following someone else is the most dangerous kind of driving...you are watching the car you are following not the traffic/road iyswim.

Canthisonebeused · 06/06/2014 22:22

I don't understand how you can control what 17 year old is doing other than financial of course Grin of they are not self reliant. At 17 I would be making my own choices if I had the finances to support it. So if I was paying for a holiday I would go. If I couldn't I wouldn't go. I'm not sure my mum could justifiably say I was or wasn't allowed to do anything at that age. She may say I don't agree or it's not a good idea.

Bowlersarm · 06/06/2014 22:26

Gawd, such a worry. Cant you persuade him being at home is more exciting Grin

Really at 17 you should let him. I wouldn't be happy though. I do have PFB, PSB, PTB, though, and will worry when they are well into adulthood.

Having the black box shows a sensible unwayward character, which has to be a good thing.

Original poster
potbellyroast · 06/06/2014 22:26

Compared to a lot of his school friends DS is very sensible. I wonder whether I'm not rewarding that now. Tbh a lot of friends his age would be going off to Kavos - he's just not interested in that yet

Will show DH this thread and I'll be back shortly.

OP posts:
Meeeep · 06/06/2014 22:31

At 17 I'm surprised he asked. At that age both my brother and I worked and just kind of told our parents of our plans. He both did abroad holidays with no parents and I moved in with my boyfriend at that age.

I'd let him go.

PosyFossilsShoes · 06/06/2014 22:37

I did both of those at 17. It was brilliant, we all survived (mixed group), and the road trip was abroad (only to France, but still). Wild camping is a fantastic experience. And with things like mobile phones, he can always call you for a rescue if things go really badly wrong. Can you make sure he has some emergency cash in case he needs a taxi to a train station, and knows that if the others decide to be really stupid (drink driving etc) then you will entirely support him if he comes back early? I'd definitely let him go.

mysteryfairy · 06/06/2014 22:41

My 18 year old DS is a really sensible driver. I let him take his younger sister to school. He recently picked my dad up from the hospital after surgery for cancer. No way would I let him drive 300 miles and as I own and insure the car he would just have to accept that. He just doesn't have the stamina and experience to do that sort of drive. I don't think at that age their brains are properly wired to even stay alert that long. Can't the friends parents drive a car each and split the 17 years old between the two cars? That is what I'd do if we were organising something similar then maybe let the boys do short trips when we got there. The wild camping tbh I would probably try and book a weekend away in the vicinity so I could drive for them.

Original poster
potbellyroast · 06/06/2014 22:43

Oh dear. DH and I disagree. I think he should go DH doesn't. Does DH not understand the power of AIBU deliberations??

cue hours of persuasive conversation

OP posts:
cardibach · 06/06/2014 22:49

My DD (18) is going to Kavos
100 miles is not very far really - if he is normally a sensible driver it'll be fine.

Haffdonga · 06/06/2014 22:53

I have a 17 yr old ds and understand the fear dilemma.

My fear would be that 4 months is a very inexperienced driver and 300 miles is a long and tiring drive. Has this friend had motoroway lessons or done Pass Plus? If he has then that might sway me. If not it would depend how much practice and driving he had done since passing.

If I was you I would say no and ds would create merry hell and go anyway

PeachandRaspberry · 06/06/2014 22:58

A new driver is going to drive 600 miles plus 200 for an extra trip? No way.

Maryz · 06/06/2014 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

calmet · 06/06/2014 23:00

I am surprised at a 17 year old asking. At this age I would just expect him to decide.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 06/06/2014 23:03

If I were letting him go on the 300-mile trip I wouldn't stop him from going on the extra 100 miles and wild camping.

stonecircle · 07/06/2014 01:19

Difficult to forbid a 17 year old from doing anything. I would accept the camping. But I would do everything in my power to stop my 17 year old ds from being driven hundreds of miles by what, at that age, can only be an inexperienced driver. And I mean everything.

CarbeDiem · 07/06/2014 02:38

It would be the driving there that terrified me above all else.

MexicanSpringtime · 07/06/2014 04:10

I wouldn't let him go in the car. My experience of young men in a car is that they believe they are immortal.

And only four months with a license, no way.

Toooldtobearsed · 07/06/2014 06:17

Let him go and enjoy himself! Yes, the driver is young, but just as likely to have an accident driving 2 miles up the road as 200 up the motorway.
Personally, when my son was 17, I would have preferred to be driven by him than my DHGrin

Most young drivers are sensible, just the odd few that are idiots (rather like older drivers)!

tumbletumble · 07/06/2014 06:22

When I was 17 I went inter railing around Europe for a month with one female friend. My mum felt like you but she let me go. We were fine! she still doesn't know the details of what we got up to

LightastheBreeze · 07/06/2014 06:40

If the friend has only passed about 4 months ago and has a black box in the car he will most likely be very cautious. It would probably be worse if the driver was a bit older with more experience and more reckless.

This is a worry of mine with DS, who fortunately is at Uni, so not at home for me to worry about everything he does, as when they get older who knows whose car they are in and what their driving's like. The thing is you can't keep stopping them going and they have to make their own decisions. I found age 16-18 quite difficult in this respect even though DS is very sensible.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 07/06/2014 06:52

The drive back, potentially, in all likelihood, the driver will still have alcohol in his system from this night before.

I would definitely look in to alternatives of getting there. And you pick up the cost. He can stomp his feet all his likes, but if he wants to go, then the way he gets there is on your terms.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 07/06/2014 06:53

If the friend has only passed about 4 months ago and has a black box in the car he will most likely be very cautious

Disagree.

This is a 17 year old we are talking about. You are applying the logic and rationale of a Bona fide adult to the situation.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 07/06/2014 06:57

Let him go and enjoy himself! Yes, the driver is young, but just as likely to have an accident driving 2 miles up the road as 200 up the motorway.

The relative likelihood is increased quite significantly. 198 miles of more opportunity, on roads the boy doesn't know, for something to happen.

OP, it is a really tough one. But he will get over it. I am 33, but the memories of the utterly mad car journeys I experienced as a passenger when I was 16/17/18/19/20 means that I am going to be extremely cautious with my two when it comes to this issue. It is a miracle that so many more 17 years olds aren't killed to be honest.