But, whynow, you have to begin by stopping looking. There has to be a start somewhere.
My disorder began when I was 15 and trying to make sense of life. I thought if I was thin everything would be alright. I weighed myself daily, hourly, to make sure I wasn't in the "fat zone". I went to 7 stone. I was so proud when I got there and I awaited my next milestone, which was 6 stone. My goal weight was 5. If I was 5 stone all my problems would stop. I would be beautifully skinny and everyone would love me. (I'd also be dead, but that didn't quite fit into the picture).
To this day I will not diet because I know where it goes. I would rather be fat and here than dead and skinny. If I start dieting I will not stop dieting and I will not stop ever, until I die, which I will. I have tried a couple of times and suddenly found myself in that horrible "Well if you skip a few meals, you'll be a much better person. You'll be a much thinner person if you do this all week. You'll be a much better person if you don't eat at all..." loop.
It's not possible for me to do it because I have an evil thing in the back of my head which tells me if I do not eat I will be good and eating makes me bad. I start doing things like making sure my wrists and ankles are as slim as possible. I start looking at my clothes and if they fit me I hate myself. They should be bags on me, or I've failed again.
The reason I tell you this is because it's easy to be tricked into this disorder. Even now, with writing what I just did, it's been triggering. You take baby steps into the disorder. I did. I never thought it would happen until it took over, and constant weighing was the first sign. Be alert and be careful -you've said you already have an ED so step AWAY from the scales. They aren't our friend.