Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about this? DP applying for same job as me

60 replies

CiderLover · 06/06/2014 15:21

We have just moved in together, I work in a town an hours bus ride, she works a 20 min car drive away, has been working there for 3 years.

As I have moved to her home town I am looking for jobs closer to home.

We were sat having a meal the other night and I told her about this job which is ideal as it is my dream job, something that I have always wanted to do and it's local. She was happy for me.

Today she has emailed asking if it would be ok if she aopplies for the same job.

I said yes (who am I to say no) but now I am regretting it and thinking it's a pretty shitty thing to do given how enthused I was over it.

AIBU? Should I leave it or say something?

She's shown me her application and it's bloody good which makes me even angrier, now I feel guilty for being angry because I said it was fine if she wanted to apply. Arghhhhh

OP posts:
anotetofollowso · 06/06/2014 15:39

Or tell her that job hunting is stressful enough without competition at home. Suggest that she withdraw from the job hunting until you are sorted, or, at the very least, that she agrees not to apply for any jobs you are interested in. You have, after all, given up your existing job to be with her.

TurtleyAmazing · 06/06/2014 15:42

When I told her about another job I was applying for she said "ohhhh I wanna apply for that too"!

OP i mean this in the nicest way possible but your girlfriend is a knob.

Hassled · 06/06/2014 15:44

I think she's being pretty unfair, especially as she has a job close to home and you don't - she already has life easier. You need to sit down and talk to her. And if she still doesn't give a shit, then I think you need to think about her level of commitment to you.

Original poster
CiderLover · 06/06/2014 15:45

I do have a job at the moment which I really enjoy tbh. She is helping me financially with driving lessons and letting me drive her car etc on weekends to help teach me.

I don't think she is being intentionally mean, it's not in her nature.

Well, this is clearly mean but I don't think she realises it

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 06/06/2014 15:48

Out of interest - if you love your job and she hates hers - why didn't she move in with you?

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 06/06/2014 15:48

What is the role? Do you both work in a similar field?

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/06/2014 15:51

Don't be ridiculous. Why would she think that you would be happy?! Imagine if reversed. She's browsing the job market by the sounds of it badly. You if you are serious are actually shopping. You need to talk. Fast. She sounds a bit dumb.... Sorry.

TurtleyAmazing · 06/06/2014 15:53

But OP how can somebody not realise that this is mean? she wants to apply for your dream job in the hope that she gets and you dont. even an idiot can see that its mean!

twice you have mentioned job that you would like to apply for. thats you and not we and its twice that she has competed against you.

I would give my right arm if it meant that DP would get the job of his dreams because i want him to be happy! i wouldn't dream of applying or his dream job once never mind twice!!

Original poster
CiderLover · 06/06/2014 15:53

We both work in admin roles. Nothing obscure.

Moving to me was an option but we both changed our minds and have found a really nice place, bigger and cheaper in a rural area as opposed to city centre full of undesirables

OP posts:
Stinkle · 06/06/2014 15:54

I don't think you're unreasonable. Talk to her

DH did something similar to me last year, not a job, but something I really wanted to volunteer at. He also decided he wanted to volunteer, but with children/responsibilities at home we couldn't both do it - it was at set times and it seemed a bit silly to pay for baby sitters when we were volunteering

He wasn't being nasty or anything, just enthusiastic and likes helping out but I felt a bit trampled on, like he butted in.

littlemrssleepy · 06/06/2014 15:55

I can see why you are pissed off and I would be too. That said I don't think she is doing anything wrong. I'm presuming this would be a promotion for her? Why should she pass up on the chance to progress her career and increase her income if so? If it were the other way round and you were asking your friends if it was ok to apply, I doubt they would tell you not to, but I may be wrong. If she applies and gets the job then that is because she is the better candidate. Why on earth should she pass up that opportunity just in case you would otherwise have got the job - which you might not! You've been together a year. No idea how serious your relationship is. If you are committed to spending the rest of your life with her then it is certainly heading towards 'kick in the teeth' territory but otherwise I think you just have to suck it up, albeit it think you should tell her how you feel.

ICanSeeTheSun · 06/06/2014 15:56

After reading the thread I think yabu, she hates her job which will make her unhappy.

You love your current job.

MaidOfStars · 06/06/2014 16:00

It is a seriously shitty thing to do. My husband and I have the same qualifications but work in slightly different sectors. I wouldn't dream of applying for a job he wanted, let alone applied for - it simply wouldn't enter my head.

LemonSquares · 06/06/2014 16:15

It's not exactly relationship building behaviour is it. Best will in the world you’re going to be much more guarded about what you tell and discuss with her. At very least it does single the relationship is not an us stage.

Still she bothered to ask - and when you hate your job it's a really unpleasent as you do spend a lot of time there.

I suggest you watch what you say about jobs till your are sorted then give her some advice on job searching? Maybe try a conversation about how thinking it over your a bit upset about her applying - and see what she says.

YANBU -

WastingMyYoungYears · 06/06/2014 17:01

YABU.

JonesRipley · 06/06/2014 17:10

You don't sound like a team. To compete for a job is weird on her part. She sounds mean or so immature that she has not thought it through.

Cardinal · 06/06/2014 17:14

I'd be pissed off too, but I'd be happy for the job people to make the decision for me here.

It is likely that neither of you will get it, and the argument is moot.

I realise that this is a very pragmatic approach that ignores your emotions, but that is something I can criticise in my own personality, and won't work for many others.

eddielizzard · 06/06/2014 17:21

what was she thinking???

one of you (or both) won't get the job. yanbu

PrincessBabyCat · 06/06/2014 17:23

Me and DH both do this to each other since we're in the same field. Honestly, neither of us have gotten a job we both applied for. But I did ask him before applying to his "job" and vise versa.

She did ask, and you said yes. I would talk to her about it. It seems like if she would ask before applying to a job, she does care about your feelings and would probably be upset to find out she upset you. If she didn't care, she'd just go behind your back.

At least talk to her. There's been plenty of times I've unintentionally trampled on DH's feelings and then felt terrible that I upset him.

MexicanSpringtime · 06/06/2014 17:37

Mmm, she doesn't have any boundaries, does she? If a friend of mine saw a job/house/man they really wanted and told me about it/him, I certainly wouldn't think of trying to get it/him for myself, no matter how much it would suit me.

Ask her to withdraw her application and seriously consider if this is the person for you.

BarbarianMum · 06/06/2014 18:03

I realise that I am a voice alone in the wilderness here but I really can't see what she is doing wrong.

Both the OP and her partner have jobs. OP loves hers, partner hates hers.

A job has come up that they'd both like to do. OP sees the job first.

OP is applying for the job but would rather see it go to a complete stranger than risk her partner getting it.

Reality is that lots of people will go for the job. Chances of OP and partner being considered 1st and 2nd choice (in whatever order) ate miniscule.

Carriemoo · 06/06/2014 18:13

I did this to my OH but hear me out before you slate me.

He had been going on and on about this management position at work but kept putting himself down as he was a factory worker oh they will never pick me (he had worked for the company for about 8 years in the same position and knew the company inside out) I got so annoyed and told him I would apply for it myself. Did a really impressive cv. He actually got his arse into gear and applied for it before I sent my cv in. Job done, he didn't get that job but they offered him something a lot more suited to him and without that kick he wouldn't of done that. He loves his job now.

Is she doing something like this? Have you been going on about it for a few weeks and not applied? If not then LTB.

QOD · 06/06/2014 18:31

Yanbu

pinkdelight · 06/06/2014 18:39

Agree about the team thing. Fundamental thing that makes the difference between relationships that make it and those that don't. You've gotta be on the same side, rooting for each other. She should be hoping you land your dream job. If she's so unhappy in her in her job and had been searching and seen the job ad, that'd be different, but she knew how you felt and it didn't matter. You shouldn't have said it was ok though. That let her off the hook and now it's messy if you backtrack. Tell her how you feel though. Cos yanbu and resentment will only build if you're not honest.

lougle · 06/06/2014 18:47

Hmmm..I'm not sure. Shall we ask David Miliband what he thinks about this kind of thing?

I think YANBU to feel put out but YABU to think that she shouldn't apply. After all, you can't know how her application will affect your chances. Either:

You both make shortlist
Neither of you make shortlist
One of you makes shortlist, but the other doesn't.

You can't know which of those candidates pipped you to the last spot in the short list.

Then, if you both get interviews, unless your partner gets the job, it won't be her fault that you didn't get it.

Finally, if you don't get it, you weren't the best candidate.