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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume that RSVP on child's party invite means I will (should) receive a reply?

66 replies

Perplexing · 06/06/2014 14:08

I have issued invitations for DS' birthday party.

Out of 12 I have heard from 2 people.

I need to confirm numbers as it's being held at a place where you pay per child and I don't want to pay up front for 12 if only 10 turn up.

I saw a parent this morning and casually said 'Can x and y come to z's party..?' and she said 'Oh yes' in a tone of voice which seemed to suggest it was obvious. Am I supposed to be a mind reader ? Confused

I feel a bit silly having to chase people up, but I will need to know sooner or later.

And what if people don't reply and then turn up on the day and I haven't 'paid' for them?

Help dear MNers with more experience of children's parties...

OP posts:
Original poster
Perplexing · 06/06/2014 14:51

Tobias - I feel your pain. It is a nightmare but seems so unfair on DS not to have a party every now and then. It's just so inconsiderate of people.

However shinesmile - you might have a point - hadn't thought of that!

Maybe next time I will just write 'please reply by xxx date to let me know if your DC can attend....' - that should be clear?

OP posts:
Original poster
Perplexing · 06/06/2014 14:52

Maybe with the late texting people are waiting to see if they get a better offer?

If so that's still pretty inconsiderate!

OP posts:
enderwoman · 06/06/2014 14:56

Did the children tell your son? Some parents seem to use their child to pass on a verbal RSVP

Bearwantsmore · 06/06/2014 15:01

Do you have an email list for the class? If so, I'd email them all and say "if you don't let me know by x that your child is planning to come, I'll assume that they are not. I'm afraid I need to confirm numbers with the venue so won't be able to add any extras after this date".

Or something to that effect!

Suddengeekgirl · 06/06/2014 15:07

I think ds' party RSVP situation might win a prize...

22 children invited.
18 said they could come
I chased up all non answers so EVERYONE HAD RSVP-ed

Day of the party - 5 people didn't turn up!
And because it was a soft play party we had to pay for them, because they had said "yes we're coming" so I confirmed numbers the day before the party.
Those 5 no shows cost me £60 almost and only one of them apologised! Shock Angry

They won't be invited to any other parties I'm organising! Hmm

CaptWingoBings · 06/06/2014 15:11

It is so annoying isn't it? We are having a village hall party with an entertainer so the cost per head is just doing party bags, catering for food etc, but I would still like to know whether the 9 out of 25 people I haven't heard from are planning on turning up or not!

DeWee · 06/06/2014 15:13

From the other side: I've had children's parties since they were 2yo, I have 3 dc, the oldest is 13yo. In all that time I've had one non-reply (and they didn't turn up either) and one non-show without letting me know (was in A&E at the time).

I obviously have very polite children's friends Grin

ChaosTrulyReigns · 06/06/2014 15:13

I've seen a tip, fron here, natch.

Send out the invitations, bit don't put the TIME on them.

They'll contact you fir the time, then you know they're coming.

JD, very little angst.

Brilliant whoever came up with it.

Original poster
Perplexing · 06/06/2014 15:15

Suddengeek - that's awful, not to mention costly. 60 is a lot.
I really need to budget for the correct amount, I will be Angry if more turn up but equally upset if people say they're coming and don't show, as DS might have invited someone else instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Perplexing · 06/06/2014 15:17

Chaos that's a good tip thanks.. but if they still only contacted me the day before I would still be Confused about how many to book the venue for.

OP posts:
Spannersaurus · 06/06/2014 15:24

DS recently had his first party.

6 out of 25 invitees did not respond at all, although 1 of those 5 did turn up on the day.

Another of those 6 sent out party invites at the same time. His mother thanked me for responding promptly to their invite, but never bothered to respond to our invite Shock

We also had lots of confirmations after the RSVP date, including 3 on the day before the party, despite having an RSVP date on the invite.

I think this is fairly typical - friends who had similar experiences warned me beforehand that this was likely to be the case. Still pretty rude though.

I confirmed the minimum numbers with the venue (soft play) on the date they requested, but asked if we could pay for extras at the door if they turned up. The venue was fine with that (I think it happens a lot), and I also updated the venue after the RSVP date with additional numbers as I got responses. I also made up additional party bags just in case.

Maybe contact your venue to see if they will be flexible like ours.

It was worth the hassle btw way - DS & his friends had a great time & I'm really pleased we went ahead Smile

sillystring · 06/06/2014 15:36

Glad these days are behind me. I feel your pain OP, it used to drive me MENTAL. I only ever booked venues that charged for the people who actually attended as it was inevitable that someone who had insisted they were coming would drop out at the last minute and not bother to tell you.

I never, ever understood the lack of manners regarding RSVP'ing DC party invites. People I thought were just like me turned out to be rude, entitled bastards when it came to birthday time.

I know it's no consolation but it's a common trend.

Original poster
Perplexing · 06/06/2014 15:39

sillystring - it is some consolation actually - at least I know not to take it personally! Thanks :-)

OP posts:
Fridayschild · 06/06/2014 15:47

IME you always have to follow up. I would put an RSVP date on and then call the day after - just to "make sure the invite hadn't got lost in little Johnny's book bag" and because I had to "pay the venue/order the online shop" to feed the masses. I think it's incredibly rude and am always really embarrassed when I am the one who has failed to excavate a book bag often enough.

The only thing that helped even a little was when the guests could read, and the invite said on it "if your parent does not reply you will not get a party bag" Grin Thank you mums net, that was a tip from here!

HappyAgainOneDay · 06/06/2014 15:48

ShineSmile Are you serious?!! Hmm

Suddengeekgirl · 06/06/2014 16:07

It was a massive pain in the arse and I had to use all my tact and diplomacy skills to not bitch about them to te other mums. I think I managed to rise above it. Confused

Luckily ds was having so much fun that he didn't even notice they hadn't turned up! Grin

fledermaus · 06/06/2014 16:10

If people turn up on the day without RSVPing and can't get in then tough luck! Awkward for them, not you.

ShineSmile - what did you think it meant?

EnglishRose1320 · 06/06/2014 16:34

My son was invited to a party recently and on the day before the mum asked me if he was coming- up until that point I had no idea about the party an neither did my son, turns out her son had handed the invites out when my son was off school and had kept my sons invite but had failed to tell his mum that. So after a baffling conversation we worked this out and I then had to whizz to the shops on a Friday evening to buy a gift for the next morning.
Basically don't assume everyone knows if you have left it up to the children to hand out the invites, many get lost in trays/ book bags etc

Pre school parties I have done, invites have always gone straight to parents and all parents have replied, guess I'm quite lucky.
School parties, son hands invites out but I tend to chat about party to parents in playground to check they have received the invites, prob get about a 85%/90% reply rate.

Permanentlyexhausted · 06/06/2014 18:40

I would (did) just chase people up and not get so irate and het up about it as so many mumsnetters seem to do. Yes, it would be polite if people replied, and yes, it is usually a fairly quick thing to do. But:

  • Maybe the parents haven't got the invite yet. It could be left in a school drawer.
  • Maybe they've mislaid the invite and can't contact you.
  • Maybe they've mistyped the mobile number and texted some other random person
  • Maybe each parent thinks the other has already replied.
  • Maybe one parent is purposefully trying to piss the other parent off and using your birthday invite as the weapon.
  • Maybe, just maybe, they have a whole load of other shit going on in their lives that you just don't know about.

If it causes people so much angst that they feel the need to rant/ask advice on mumsnet, then it would probably be better for your blood pressure just to contact the parents yourself (or get your DS to tell the children that their parents need to let you know). I don't understand why people are so precious about it.

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 06/06/2014 19:06

People are 'precious' about it because it often leads to a loss of money when people don't turn up, or a great deal of embarassment when they do and expect to be let in. It's hardly 'precious' to be angry that some people haven't the common decency to reply! And as for the poster who seemingly honestly didn't know what RSVP stood for, I'm nearly speechless. But I suspect there are therefore more like her out there.

CrohnicallyHungry · 06/06/2014 19:08

I just remembered, I did the 'text some random other person' thing. DD was invited to a party. Straight away I texted to let his mum know DD was able to come. Several weeks passed and I got a Facebook message asking if we were coming. 'Yes, I texted you' 'no, you didn't'. Oops!

So it's worth sending a polite reminder!

CrohnicallyHungry · 06/06/2014 19:10

Forgot to say, I managed to miss a number out and add another one in eg 123 I typed as 134

HappyMummyOfOne · 06/06/2014 19:15

I always pop a note on saying please RSVP by this date as the venue need the booking numbers by then. Tends to work as they can't just show up.

We always have private parties so no siblings have been able to gate crash as many seem to do.

Fleta · 06/06/2014 19:22

I once got an absolute earful from a parent.

I arranged a small party for DD - asked 6 other children. I was only doing it at home and did little games etc. I got 5 replies, 1 didn't. I texted her and no reply to the text. Rang her at home, no answer. Saw a FB update arranging something on the date of the party. So of course I assumed she wasn't coming.

Except she did and then expected a party bag for her child Confused

It is so bloody rude. How hard is it to spend less than a minute typing out "thank you for the invitation, X would love/can't come"

Floggingmolly · 06/06/2014 19:43

RSVP a cultural thing, shinesmile????