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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH going away

31 replies

Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:17

First of all I def get the feeling I am being unreasonable and will be told so
DH works at a college, he always goes away for three (separate) week in the year with students and other lecturers (sometimes abroad sometimes in uk)
He can home today and said next year they are planning a big trip to America and he will be gone for a month. (All paid for)
My issue is that I have epilepsy and a couple of times since DS (ten months) was born I have had to heavily depend on my parents to help when DH has been away.
DS with be 18 months when he goes. I have stages when my epilepsy is bad and I am worried that if I am going through a bad patch I will have to really lean on my mum and dad for help.
Don't think I will stop him going as it is an amazing opportunity. But just feel a bit down in the dumps and poss a bit jealous
Maybe I need a new job that's sends me abroad a few times a year. Lol

OP posts:
MummyLuce · 05/06/2014 18:21

A month is too long to go away when you have an 18 month old and epilepsy....is it compulsory? If not, he probs shouldn't go...or you could go with him? You'll only have to pay for 1 air fare

basgetti · 05/06/2014 18:23

YANBU. It sounds like it's been presented as a done deal, when it should have been a discussion. No parent of a toddler should unilaterally decide to go away for a month without at least negotiating with the other parent.

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:31

It's not compulsory at all. He has been asked if he would like to go but if he can't they will ask someone else
It was presented as a done deal. Basically he said you have 8 months to get used to the idea
I guess I thought i was being unreasonable because lots of parents work away for long periods of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:32

Oh and they are touring around so I would have to pay a lot more then an airfare to go. He also said families have never gone on trips

OP posts:
Chocotrekkie · 05/06/2014 18:35

How do your parents feel ?

Would they be happy/able to look after you and a toddler for a month if necessary ? Are they both working full time ?

If they aren't willing or able then it would have to be a no.

If they are then I would look to also reduce the pressure on you - nursery/childminder/cleaner etc.

Gen35 · 05/06/2014 18:35

He's bu. I know many IT people that travel week in, week out but nearly always home at weekends. My dh has to travel and he did an 18 day trip when dd was 18 months and I have no serious health conditions and it was horrendous. 18 mos can often be when tantrums kick in, very challenging. If you were to even contemplate agreeing, you'd need to actually line up proper breaks for you, he can't just say see ya and take off for a month!

wobblyweebles · 05/06/2014 18:36

No he absolutely should not go.

My DH went to America for two months a few years ago and it wasn't easy, and I don't have any medical conditions. I actually ended up paying for the smalls to go to nursery two days a week just so I could catch up with the stuff that needed doing.

wobblyweebles · 05/06/2014 18:36

OTOH could you and the little one go with him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/06/2014 18:37

There's a good while yet to plan for just such a situation. If it is going to look good on his CV it might benefit all of you in the long term. But the possibility of you joining him for part of the month sounds worth investigating. And clearly you could expect some free time to balance things out in the interim. See what he says in answer to that.

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:45

I had never thought about joining him for a while. Though I don't know if the airline would allow me to fly with uncontrolled epilepsy and being in charge of a 18 month old (as i would have to do at least one journey by myself) To be honest I can see their point if that is the case.

My mum is retired and my dad is semi retired. They love spending time with DS but a whole month if I am going through a bad patch may be too much.
I have told DH that we can't make a decision without taking to them and having a big discussion ourselves

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/06/2014 18:46

YANBU and I think he's been quite awful actually. Who the hell just tells their partner they'll be away for a month without discussing it first???

Yes, lots of people work away, but ideally this is a family decision and for a good purpose, not just because he wants to. Equally, lots of people do NOT work away because of family reasons.

If he really insists on going then at least make a deal that it will be the only trip he does for the next year.

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:46

It's horrible as a may be completely fine. It's seems to go into remission (if that's the right word) for a few months and then suddenly hit again.

OP posts:
Casey123 · 05/06/2014 18:47

For a start, you arn't being unreasonable. You're lucky i that you've got time to plan, maybe rake in as many friends and family to help out with your DS. It depends on your situation but there is always the option of moving in with you're parents or someone for a little while? Also look into and price up childminders/nurserys etc.

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:51

Wow I really thought I was going to be told i was being a cow
He has a month to make the decision. He has just said that he was just excited to be asked as they have only asked the teachers who have got a grade one on their teaching observations and we need to discuss it. He said he has calmed down and we do need to think seriously if I can cope

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 18:53

I could always arrange this far in advance for DS to go to nursery for a few more days. And I may have a friend who might come and stay for a bit (in fact she loves DS and will jump at it)

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/06/2014 18:56

YANBU.

A week, a fortnight, no epilepsy, no problem.

A month with your medical concerns would instantly mean he needs to do a damn sight more than simply tell you to get used to it.

I would say that medically you need support and he needs to find some sort of Mothers Help or similar who he will pay to help you out mon-fri every week he is away and he should be the one to ask if your or his parents can offer support ad hoc on the weekends.

My DH went away for three weeks and dd was 13mo and we actually had a really nice time just the two of us but the epilepsy means that you WNBU to insist he stays or takes responsibility for arranging additional support.

Can I ask....and I dont want to presume this.....if the opportunity arose for you to go away for the month with work/friends, and he were expected to care for ds (without the added concern of the epilepsy) how would he respond?

WooWooOwl · 05/06/2014 18:57

I don't think you should try and pressure him not to go. Epilepsy is a shit thing to have, but as far as possible I think people should try not to let disabilities hold them back.

If you have support from your parents and they are willing to give that support, there's no real reason why he shouldn't go.

I'd talk to your parents about it before going any further, especially if it's not a definite that you will need their support and this is all based on the off chance that you are struggling at the time. You might be ok, and it would be horrible for your DH to have to miss an opportunity needlessly.

Dutch1e · 05/06/2014 18:59

Christ, SO and I wouldn't confirm a single night away without running it past the other person first. Your DH needs a swift kick in the Reality Sack

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 19:02

I don't let my epilepsy hold me back but at the same time I am a realist and know that it means there are limitations (I think accepting your disability means there are things you can't do or will struggle with is a major part of coming to terms with it)
I honestly don't know how DH would react if I said I was going away for a month. Oh actually I do-he would faint. :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 19:05

Actually an organisation very similar to mine organised an exchange trip to South Africa for two months. Don't really fancy South Africa but maybe Australia or New Zealand, or Canada sound nice ;)

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/06/2014 19:06

She's not letting a disability hold her back Hmm She'd be solely responsible for a toddler, if she potentially can't physically care for him then that is a big deal.

OP it sounds like you could make it work and glad he's calmed down. Just be sure to not agree to anything you don't feel really comfortable with. You're not being a cow at all.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/06/2014 19:08

One of the reasons I was totally OK with DH going away was that I knew if the boot were on the other foot he wouldnt think twice about me going away.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/06/2014 19:08

He must be very dedicated. America or not most teaching staff I know cherish getting a break from their students in holiday time.

If you were able to travel it still wouldn't be a picnic, toddlerwrangling. I don't know what your doctor or insurers would say.

As for 'families don't normally go along' or words to that effect maybe the staff are not leaving behind young families or OHs with medical conditions.

Original poster
Lancashiregal10 · 05/06/2014 19:15

He is very dedicated. He tried to train to be a teacher at 21 but was turned down. He has then worked with kids coaching and then became a support assistant at the college who after a few years put him through his PGCE and now he is finally a teacher and a very good one.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 05/06/2014 19:17

YANBU, as I understand it the DFES guidance is that families should not go on trips as the working person's attention will be divided - even more so if they have a condition like epilepsy. Sounds like he was flattered to be asked and said yes without thinking. Also, if he does trips regularly, someone else (for whom it would be a new experience) could go in his place. The length of time makes a big difference - it's basically saying that your DPs should be on call for a month, which is UR, especially if he hasn't asked.

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