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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel I shouldn't have to deal with this?

30 replies

Darkandstormynight · 05/06/2014 03:55

Dh & I married 15 years. Dh's parents convinced marriage wouldn't last (They would have hated anyone, it's not personal) so when they made their will they noted in will everything to go straight from dh to ds, I was not to receive anything. Which I'm totally fine with. Dh knows they are a bit mental; plus they have had a hard go with their lives so I try to ignore what I can.

Two months ago their has been a death in the family and they are chancing will. Things are a bit better they have accepted we are married. So they asked dh if I would feel bad if my name was still not in will. Dh told them to ask me! I told him NO please don't have them ask me! It would be so ackward! I have accepted their wishes but don't wish to have this conversation (a very hurtful one for me as I've been a good dil) again!

I told dh they should consult their lawyers, do what they really want to do and let it be. I don't want to be involved. Is this unreasonable?!

OP posts:

AElfgifu · 05/06/2014 04:00

I think you are being entirely reasonable. They are not your parents, and this conversation gives you a choice between coming across as grasping or dismissive, there is no good outcome! I think you could just politely say you are uncomfortable discussing this with them, and would prefer they sorted it out without your input.

NadiaWadia · 05/06/2014 04:03

But that's the norm, isn't it? I mean, people don't usually leave anything in their will specifically to their DIL or SIL, they wouldn't mention them. The will would normally mention their own spouse first, then their children, then (possibly) grandchildren. At least in my experience. Then when their children inherit, they can share with their spouse. Is that not what is happening?

Original poster

Darkandstormynight · 05/06/2014 04:12

They have land they are expressing I never get. So they are making deliberate mention that should dh die everything gets transferred automatically to ds. It's not just that they don't want to list me, they want to make sure I never am the owner of their land, and want it known should dh and I live on that land, when he dies, even if I was living there nothing goes in my name so I couldn't sell it.

For what it's worth I would NEVER live on that land knowing I might be out of a home legally. So I don't care what they do, or who they give it to, just that I would never live on that land if down the line legally I might be booted out.

OP posts:

kickassangel · 05/06/2014 04:19

If they bring it up just say what you did here - it's their property, they can leave it how they wish. They should see a lawyer to have it properly drawn up, and nothing else needs to be discussed.

That is neither grabby nor dismissive, so you should be fine with that. They may well never mention it.

Suefla62 · 05/06/2014 04:19

What nasty people, I bet you're just dying to tell them what they can do with their land . If you've been a good DIL as you say you're a better woman than me. I raise my glass to you.

NadiaWadia · 05/06/2014 04:29

Oh, I see. That could be seen as a bit hurtful couldn't it? Are they allowed to leave it to your DH with strings like that? Can't he tell them he's not happy? Still, hopefully you and DH have your own home already, so not dependent on this land, it's just an extra.

Original poster

Darkandstormynight · 05/06/2014 04:31

My MIL told me I was getting nothing but I'd have such fun cleaning up all their stuff (board line hoarding) I calmly told her I'd do nothing of the sort. That dh could have whatever he wanted and the rest of the lot will go to auction. This is right after my own mum died and dh left the lot to my brother and myself to sort out, and I was pregnant! He said he didn't know what I wanted but I know he didn't want to deal with it. So I will reciprocate gladly!

It's all too bad since though I've put effort to be a good dil I have no intention of taking care of her in her elderly years. Dh is fine with that, we have long said we'd pick out a very nice nursing facility, that we both could never live with them. Had she tried just to be kind I would have definitely taken care of them. Unfortunately you truly do reap what you sow.

OP posts:

Original poster

Darkandstormynight · 05/06/2014 04:35

Yes we inherited from my mum 15 years ago, I'd be happy for it to go directly to ds, I have no need for their money, I worked and bought our first home, etc.

I suspect we will be like a Prince Charles and it will bypass us all together thank heavens for small favours.

OP posts:

NadiaWadia · 05/06/2014 04:36

You are doing nothing to feel bad about. Why should you take care of them/sort their stuff? You have tried to be a good DIL, and are obviously a nicer person than them, so try not to feel upset. Just detach.

Billygoats · 05/06/2014 06:28

What awful people. Despite being their sons wife you are also the mother to their previous ds they are more than happy to leave everything to. If you came across as a money grabbing person , which as far as Anonymous Internet forums can let me tell , you haven't protracted yourself this way, then I could see their reluctance.

To specifically note you note get none of it is very hurtful I agree. I think you can guess I think YANBU.

Billygoats · 05/06/2014 06:28

'Precious dgs'

paxtecum · 05/06/2014 06:29

OP: I thought most wills were like your PILs.

It is to prevent the land from going out of the family.
If you were widowed and inherited their land, then remarried, then died, your new husband would inherit their land and may then leave it to his children from a previous marriage.
Your own DCs could end up with nothing.

OliviaBenson · 05/06/2014 06:34

Is it actually enforceable anyway? I thought if your DH inherited then after that point it's his to do with what he wants and leave it to you. The only way they can guarantee it goes to your ds is if they left into him? (disclaimer: I'm not an expert!)

jaynebxl · 05/06/2014 06:42

I wondered that Olivia. Once you leave something to someone it is theirs and surely if they're married it ends up with their spouse if they die? Can ypu actually stipulate in a will what happens to it a generation down the line?

Lemons1571 · 05/06/2014 06:47

They need to leave the land in a will trust with your DH and your DS as trustees and beneficiaries. That's what my parents did for me and my kids (OH not named at all) and OH's parents have done the same for OH and our children. Thought that was normal. Definitely a positive if you get divorced as the land can't be contested if in a trust.

Your ILs seem a bit too keen to expressly make a point of leaving you out though. Have they said it nastily or are they just confused with the legal stuff?

minibmw2010 · 05/06/2014 06:48

The Inlaws want to buy-pass their son so their Grandson inherits directly. That is legal. It will also buy-pass the OP. If they make a will stating this, then the Inlaws son won't automatically inherit.

NCISaddict · 05/06/2014 06:49

My parents sort of did this but not because they didn't like their son in laws but because they wanted sentimental items to stay in the family. When my grandma died my grandfather remarried and when he died his widow left all the family sentimental things to her children. Things like the family bible and Grandad's signet ring. The children were lovely and gave the items to us as soon as they inherited them.

So under the terms of my parents will, anything left to me was only with a life time interest and if I die it goes to my children. It's only things like the family bible and my Dad's WWII medals so nothing valuable.

i think the will thing is fine, it's just the reasons and dislike that are wrong in the OP's case.

MaryWestmacott · 05/06/2014 06:56

I would refuse to discuss it with them, if they insist, tell them it's down to them how they write their will but to think about what they are trying to achieve- you would be very foolish to agree to move onto land/into a house you would have no rights over should something happen to DH, so if they want to keep something as the family home, to be aware it won't be, and if you can't use it, your DH would probably sell or rent it. If you aren't going to use it in your lifetimes, there's going to be no emotional tie for ds, who would probably sell it at the first opportunity.

I'd also question if they can force it to be kept out of any divorce settlement , if that's their fear. Your DH would have to at least give you half it's value, selling up might be te only way to achieve that.

Rideronthestorm · 05/06/2014 06:56

I think it's fairly normal. My grandparents left everything to be divided equally between their children and if their children predeceased them then it went to directly to their grandchildren, not the spouses of their children.

My parents' wills were the same and so is ours.

It does seem strange to specify certain land. When we die it's up to our sons whether or not they share our "estate" with their partners.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/06/2014 06:58

If they do ask say 'I am not in the least bit interested in the land, why don't you leave it to 'son's name' bypassing 'husband' in the first place. I couldn't give a toss who you leave it to, leave it to charity it's all the same to me'.

PetraArkanian · 05/06/2014 07:01

So what they are saying is "land goes to dh and when he does it goes to ds"? Or "land goes to dh unless he does before we do in which case it goes to ds"?

Second is perfectly normal - our wills say that for various things - plus if dh dies before them things will change anyway. If its the first then unless the land is in trust its unenfirceable. Once they have died it will belong to your dh and he can do whatever he likes with it!

SanityClause · 05/06/2014 07:05

I don't think your PIL can do this, anyway. If the land is in DH's name, it is his to do what he likes with. He can transfer it into joint names. And then you can do what you like with your half give it to your fancy man, no doubt

Possibly they could set up a trust in order to leave the land to your DS, but held in trust by your DH during his lifetime. Sounds expensive.

So, smile and nod when talking to your PIL, and ignore their nastiness.

(My PIL have used their wills to try to split DH and me up, by leaving everything to our DC, rather than DH, as they don't want me to get any of their money. Nice!)

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 05/06/2014 07:06

Ah, but it sounds as though they want to have their cake and eat it. They may want to bypass the OP and their DS but they want them to deal with their hoarding and live their and maintain the land and property. I don't think they can stipulate that someone has to do that. They can say they have to maintain it whilst living there, so the OP is wise to not intend to ever live there. Horrible, to make their own son choose between the upkeep of his family home and his wife! They clearly haven't considered that living on their property as a chattel might be refused.

Glad your DH is with you on this one, OP!

Rideronthestorm · 05/06/2014 07:22

Sanity they can create a trust. That's how the very rich aristocratic families stay very rich.

SanityClause · 05/06/2014 07:29

I mentioned a trust in my post, Ride. I said "Sounds expensive."

^^^ See?

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