To be annoyed at my DH for changing the arrangements

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We go on holiday to France next week with my parents, my stepdaughter and my aunt. We're taking our car and my parents are taking theirs.

My DSD lives about 20 miles from my parents and over 100 miles from us. The plan was that my aunt and my DSD were to stay at my parents' the night before we travel and they would all drive down to the ferry in my dad's estate car, and DH and I would drive down in ours (me driving). We'd meet up at the ferry port and DSD would then transfer into our car for the drive through France.

DH has told me this evening that he has arranged to drive up and pick DSD up and bring her back to ours to stay the night before we travel instead. I am annoyed with this for a number of reasons:

1. There was no discussion and he hasn't mentioned it to my parents; he just decided to unilaterally change perfectly logical arrangements.
2. He has committed himself to an unnecessary 220-mile+ round trip when we're already going to be spending quite a bit on petrol on the holiday itself.
3. DH is disabled and is on a variety of medication which can cause him to have dizzy spells and near-blackouts so usually avoids driving alone for long distances, so I'll either have to go with him or worry about him the whole time he's away.
4. The day before we travel is the only day I have off work (I work full-time) apart from the holiday itself, so if I go with him we'll be under pressure timewise as we already have other things to do on that day (drop the dog off at kennels, tidy up ahead of the neighbour coming in to look after the cat, finish the packing etc) and if I stay behind I'll have to do everything myself.
5. I'm a light sleeper and suffer from insomnia, and as another side effect of my DH's meds is to give him nightmares - plus he's a horrendous snorer - he always sleeps in the spare bed the day before we go anywhere that involves a long drive for me, to give me the best chance of a decent night's sleep beforehand. But with DSD in our spare room, that option won't be available so I'm almost certainly guaranteed a bad night (on an average night I am woken up at least three or four times by his sleeping antics).

AIBU to be annoyed with him for making the holiday prep harder than it needed to be?

The problem is that if it is mania and I say an outright "no", his skewed logic will come up with an explanation such as it's because I don't want her staying with us, rather than it being a case of me not wanting to be put to a load of unnecessary inconvenience on a day I'll/we'll already be busy.

I hate his fucking illness sometimes :(

Just that maybe she could make her own way. Thought you were talking about a child.

Tell him you are more than happy to escort him to pick her up from a train station but a 220 mile round trip, when you have so many other things to do, and she can just stay at your parents or get the train, is not going to work for you.

Can I just clarify - my parents aren't bringing her to our house on the day we travel. They're all going to the ferry port from their house and DH and I are driving to the ferry port from our house. There is no reason for her to travel 100 miles+ south to us just to set off again on the same journey (maybe a slightly different route) that she would have been making with my mum and dad. So whether she's old enough to travel alone, whether there is public transport available or whether she could drive herself to ours is all a red herring - there is no advantage to any of us in practical terms in her coming her first and that was never part of the original plan.

coming here first

Maybe she prefers to be with her Dad

Why do you think he has suddenly decided to change the plan.?

I agree it sounds like a total pain but is there something else going on?

Don't do the trip. Very very stressful on the day before your holiday. You just have to convince him to unchange his plans.

Can you speak to DSD and see if she will tell her Dad that she wants to stick with original plan?

Could you plant hints in his mind, and let him 'come up with the idea' of changing the plans back?

So say things like- oh, I've got so much to do for holiday. I don't know when I'm going to get x, y and z done. And every time he comes up with a suggestion for when you're going to do x, y and z, you counter it. Until hopefully he will hit on the idea of not picking DSD up so you have the day to do it all!

Works with DH anyway!

Exit I've explained upthread what I think is behind it. If there's anything else, I'm not aware of it.

Cheery I wouldn't ask her to do that, because thanks to his MH condition he has huge self-loathing issues and there is a very real danger he would see it as her rejecting him/his company. I've had to smooth over similar misunderstandings between him and his son before.

YANBU. Just say no, you're not going along with that. Unless he drops you at your parents and YOU stay there for a decent nights sleep!!

(I of course don't know how you can put that to him in relation to his bipolar)

No way would I do all that unnecessary extra driving the day before a lot of driving!!!

Could DSD have a legitimate reason for not wanting to travel the day before? Eg a medical appointment that can't be changed?

Just say no.
You sticking to original plans.
Whatever he says, don't take it personally, just repeat calmly broken record.

My ex would come up with mad stuff and I would worry about saying no.. He could kick off. But just ignore. And sometimes he would just accept,

Have some confidence in what you have arranged and why it makes sense and just tell him no it won't work his way.

DOnt hint just say no.
This is the pan, this is how it will work. He cannot drive . If he does, you call police to stop him. It s dangerous.
Don't go driving to fulfill his mad idea.

Can I just clarify - my parents aren't bringing her to our house on the day we travel. They're all going to the ferry port from their house and DH and I are driving to the ferry port from our house.

We get that. It was suggested as an alternative if he wants her to spend the night at yours.

So he is having a manic incident and will therefore be driving over 200 miles because of it.?

Is it me?

Part of you being his carer and managing his condition is not giving in to his ideas if they don't work for you. it isn't all about him.

If he kicks off goes into a rant etc then what strategies do you have in place ? Are you worried the holiday will be ruined if things don't go his way ?

Exit, in the scheme of bipolar that's nothing. My friend's bipolar DH bought a car in the grip of a manic episode. No discussion, they didn't need or were planning a new car purchase - he just got it into his head that it was a sensible thing to do, so went out and signed on the dotted line.

If you haven't lived with someone with chronic bipolar, it's hard to understand the illogical internal logic that goes with it.

I know nothing about it. As long as he is not endangering himself or others

Bug can you not get dsd to change his mind?

But

Ah I see. Hmmm. Isn't your car booked in for a service that day? Or, erm, you need it as you promised someone a lift to somewhere?

Okay, this is a bit too complicated for an AIBU, I think. I doubt many of us have experience with people with bipolar.

I have no idea what to suggest, but I do sympathise with your predicament. I don't know if that helps.

Have some in lieu of a good night's sleep. and some .

You still say no.

Just no.

And when he comes up with explanations, you say no, it is because of all these things here, here, and here (maybe even write down each point, as in your OP) and you still just say no.

Sorry, took ages to post that, and I see there are some sensible suggestions about what to do.

The only way to manage is to say no.
And take action if he does get in car to drive himself as it is dangerous. Ie call police. (hide car keys, give them to neighbor to look after etc ? )
You cant do subtlety or persuasion.

Say no and have strategies in place to deal with his reaction.

Sorry to go back to the driving thing but the DVLA medical rules say that you can't drive with bipolar until you are "free from adverse effects of medication which could impair driving". I really don't think he should be driving if the medication is making him dizzy with near blackouts. He really should discuss this with the DVLA