To never want to help anyone again

[Hurr1cane]

Name changed regular just in case this outs me. If you know who I am from the details please don't out me.

This happened a few weeks ago but I can't seem to let it go, I think it's probably because I've had to bottle it up so haven't had a rant and put it behind me like I usually would.

I help run a support group for parents of children with a specific disability/condition. I raise a lot of money and organise a lot of events for the parents and children of the group because there really isn't anything else for us in our town. A lot of stuff I do leaves me out of pocket and is extremely time consuming.

Anyway a few weeks ago I was watching a documentary on the condition our children have, as were a lot of the other mums, my friend wrote a status about how refreshing it was to get a factual documentary for once instead of the usual scare mongering and pity parties they have. I commented agreeing with her.

A different woman, let's call her Lauren, jumped on the status to say how let down she was by the programme because it was called 'living with the condition' and it was nothing like what she lived with.i told her that I understood but it was about how people with the condition lived with it, not their parents. Then signposted her to some documentaries she might like.

She then jumped on me, told me I was horrible, always disagreed with her and called me a lot of names which got me very upset. She also made threats. After this started the other mums came and backed me up and told her to calm down but I just blocked her and left it.

Now the only times I have ever spoken to this woman are:

1. When I drove back from getting home for an hour to help her because she had got on the motorway by mistake and has panicked and stopped on the hard shoulder.

1. I went out and bought her son a new spinning top because he had broken his

1. I gave her my sons spare ear defenders for her son.

Yet because I had a different opinion to her about a documentary she felt the need to call me names and make threats

I'm used to a good debate, me and a friends husband constantly have debates on Facebook and yet are still very good friends.

In the end I deleted Facebook, which makes it very hard to be pro active in organising things for the group, but I don't feel like I want to help people if that's what I get in return.

Things are really hard at the moment for us. DSs condition which I run group for is only a minor part of his little issues and he has severe health problems and other disabilities and we have just had some bad news. Also my health is deteriorating and I'm only in my 20s She knew all this when she decided to be nasty.

A few mums have approached me to tell me that she was out of order and checked if I'm ok but I don't feel I can discuss it with them as I'm supposed to be professional. Everything I do for group is voluntary.

Shall I just stop?

What an awful woman! And very rude given your examples of contact with her.

I think it would be a real shame if you stopped your group, it sounds like it does a lot of good for people, and having a disability myself I've found support isn't always easy to come by.

However things sound really difficult at the moment (sorry about your bad news about your DS and your own health, if you want to keep going with the group is there anyone who could help out with organising things ?

Sounds like Lauren has other issues that she is taking out on you as her behavior was unreasonable. Don't take it personally.

No OP - don't stop if you find what you have been doing rewarding.

You have done the right thing by not getting into an argument with her when she started name calling, but perhaps you could block her instead because of her completely U behaviour.

I think it would be a shame to stop volunteering for the group and doing all of you do because of some nasty woman. Although you do have every right to feel as you do they way she spoke to you was appalling. But, if volunteering for the group and doing as much as you do is impacting on your life in a negative way it wouldn't be a bad thing to take a step back for a while. However if you get something positive out of it then maybe just take a break for a short while to give yourself some breathing space and then go back to it in a few weeks?

YATNBU BTW.

I would not let one person behaving in a nasty way put you off doing what sounds like very valuable work. And I would have as little to to with the woman as possible. She makes a choice to behave in this way, name-calling, abuse, threats even. You need have nothing more to do with her.

But don't give her so much power about the work you do and whether you will continue or not. Don't let her bad behaviour and attitude stop you from helping people. It sounds as though you are much appreciated by others. Focus on that. If you want to continue, do.

I do take positives out of it. The woman who's group it is has stuff coming up soon meaning she will need a lot more help, I was really up for this until Lauren started being horrible. The week after this happened we were at a group for the children and DS had a seizure and was lay sleeping on an aides knee with me next to him, one of her children ran over to him and hit him on the head with a massive fan, which he shouldn't have had but she was elsewhere having a coffee, anyway it happens, especially with the type of condition and the age of the child so I wasn't annoyed, was just seeing to DS and holding an ice pack to his head, another worker went and told her and she came upstairs and said to me "well he doesn't like shouting, your DS shouldn't shout at him!" In a really intimidating way. Luckily the aide was there and told her he was asleep on her knee and she went "oh" and stormed off.

She just makes me feel really uncomfortable and like I don't want to be there

Thank you, I probably am giving her too much power, I am naturally a bit of a wimp and hate confrontation like this.

Hmm... She sounds delightful.
I wouldn't stop the incredibly valuable and hopefully appreciated work that you do - not because of her anyway.
I would stop doing favours for her and stop including her in any of the things you do.
And I would warn others about her behaviour, to hell with being professional. If she's that aggressive to everyone then I think actually people have a right to be prepared for her.

Do whatever is easiest/best for you and screw her. You have enough to deal with.
Were you not tempted to respond along the lines of the OP though? "I think you must have me mixed up with someone else, the last time I saw you..."

just read your last two posts. She dislikes you for whatever reason and is bullying you. It doesn't matter why. Just distance youslef as much as possible.

I think she is just generally like this. Someone who is very friendly with her (goes on nights out with her etc) told me that lauren always ends up fighting with someone or even her when she's had a drink, so maybe I'm just being really over sensitive to someone who is just a bit naturally aggressive?

I can't not include her because the events are posted to the while group and I can't really put "you're all invited except Lauren, you aren't allowed because you're mean" can I? (Although I'd like to a little bit)

Thanks everyone, I will carry on doing things for the group, if only to help out the amazing lady who set it up and is the best person I know. I'm just a bit sore about it all, I don't think I'll go out of my way for a virtual stranger again like I have done for her though.

You sound lovely op and you shouldn't let an arse like her upset you so much (very hard I know)

I'd block her from Facebook and get out account up and running again so you can take support from the other lovely friends you've mentioned, plus keep your very important work going.

You sound like you need the support too.

Actually I would remove her from the group. The point of a group is to be supportive to each other forgive me if I've misunderstood that and she sounds like she's all take and no give.
So, fuck her.

^^

Alpaca has it.

I think it's extremely sad that this woman has effectively bullied you out of helping others.

If you feel up to it maybe re-start or wait until later in the summer, give yourself a break with everything else you've got to deal with?

Stealth that would have been a wonderful response. My actual response was 'that wasn't very nice'

That's how shit I am.

Alpaca, I really want to but then I'd feel bad on her children, who would be missing out because their mum is mean, which isn't really their fault. I need to just grow a spine and learn to hold my own a bit better I think.

Thank you everyone you've made me feel better and it does feel better having a bit of a rant about it

Oh just saw your later posts, glad you won't let her win . Sounds like you have other people's support in rl too not just here.

I think the leader of the group should have a word with her. It would be a shame for her child but she needs to know that she can't be part of group activities if she's going to continue to be obnoxious. Let's hope her behaviour is down to being under extreme stress rather than she's just got it in for you - but either way it's not acceptable.

For what it's worth, I know women like you who run support groups and they are an absolute lifeline. Concentrate on all the families who appreciate the work you put in and do your best to ignore her.

Thanks donkeys, I have had a lot of lovely comments in RL but didn't really feel I could have a conversation and effectively 'slag off' a group member so I just said thanks and changed the subject

You sound like one of life's truly lovely people, OP. She sounds like an ungrateful idiot or someone who is going through a crisis you may not know about. Whatever the situation, it's not worth your time. It sounds nasty but also sounds like you took it very much to heart (hard not to admittedly).This makes me wonder about whether you are getting enough support in your own life, with the significant challenges you are having to deal with daily. I'd try and forget about her, focus on yourself and see where you can draw strength from so that you are able to care for yourself and those who depend on you. I'm not excusing her, but you sound burned out generally and like you deserve a break

Yes you would BU to stop helping because of one bitch. It goes without saying - but don't help her anymore.

How awful for her to do that to you but don't give it up, not only for you and your child but for the others that no doubt use it as a lifeline and they'll appreciate all that you do. You said that other mums had checked you were ok - they know bitchy bitchikins was out of order and sounds like they are on your side.

I know you've said that you avoid confrontation but honestly if you let her get away with it, especially in public, she'll continue to prey on you - bullies do that.
If she says anything again, is there any way you could be brave enough to say ''did you mean to be so rude'' or ''must you be so nasty''

Really feel for you, I hate bullies

Is there no "code of conduct" within the group? Can the organiser not give her a warning that volunteers and other members are there to support and be supported, and nasty and abusive comments are not to be tolerated, and have a 3 strikes and you are out type of rule?

To be honest, to hell with volunteering if you get grief! Maybe the official organizers would take more interest if they could not get the help they needed if people left the group due to bad attitudes?