To never want to help anyone again

[Hurr1cane]

Name changed regular just in case this outs me. If you know who I am from the details please don't out me.

This happened a few weeks ago but I can't seem to let it go, I think it's probably because I've had to bottle it up so haven't had a rant and put it behind me like I usually would.

I help run a support group for parents of children with a specific disability/condition. I raise a lot of money and organise a lot of events for the parents and children of the group because there really isn't anything else for us in our town. A lot of stuff I do leaves me out of pocket and is extremely time consuming.

Anyway a few weeks ago I was watching a documentary on the condition our children have, as were a lot of the other mums, my friend wrote a status about how refreshing it was to get a factual documentary for once instead of the usual scare mongering and pity parties they have. I commented agreeing with her.

A different woman, let's call her Lauren, jumped on the status to say how let down she was by the programme because it was called 'living with the condition' and it was nothing like what she lived with.i told her that I understood but it was about how people with the condition lived with it, not their parents. Then signposted her to some documentaries she might like.

She then jumped on me, told me I was horrible, always disagreed with her and called me a lot of names which got me very upset. She also made threats. After this started the other mums came and backed me up and told her to calm down but I just blocked her and left it.

Now the only times I have ever spoken to this woman are:

1. When I drove back from getting home for an hour to help her because she had got on the motorway by mistake and has panicked and stopped on the hard shoulder.

1. I went out and bought her son a new spinning top because he had broken his

1. I gave her my sons spare ear defenders for her son.

Yet because I had a different opinion to her about a documentary she felt the need to call me names and make threats

I'm used to a good debate, me and a friends husband constantly have debates on Facebook and yet are still very good friends.

In the end I deleted Facebook, which makes it very hard to be pro active in organising things for the group, but I don't feel like I want to help people if that's what I get in return.

Things are really hard at the moment for us. DSs condition which I run group for is only a minor part of his little issues and he has severe health problems and other disabilities and we have just had some bad news. Also my health is deteriorating and I'm only in my 20s She knew all this when she decided to be nasty.

A few mums have approached me to tell me that she was out of order and checked if I'm ok but I don't feel I can discuss it with them as I'm supposed to be professional. Everything I do for group is voluntary.

Shall I just stop?

I'll remember those phrases thank you :) I hope that I'm brave enough to say them. I wasn't always this meek, I think it's just come from years of being a bit housebound with DS.

I don't really have any family or anything, that's why I am so grateful for group and why I do so much to help run it. I won't stop really. I just feel like stopping

There is no 'official organisers' as such. It's one mum who founded it, then me and 2 others who help her run it. All for free.

Yet we are the group hospitals and CAHMS refer the children and parents to

If she is part of a Facebook group and she is threatening and abusing another member of the same group, she should not be allowed to get away with it. I understand you not wanting her children to miss out and that is a lovely, kind attitude. But at the same time, she can not be part of a group on there and abuse other members. Hopefully, one of the other members will have a word with her.

You sound like a lovely person and because you feel so passionate about helping others with children with the disability it seems you're having to put up with shit.
Totally agree with QuintessentiallyQS - no tolerating bad behaviour, if she can't be civil then she's out (I ALSO feel sorry for the kids having a mean mum BUTyou have enough on your plate and everyone is in the same boat?!?) and you're being supportive so you deserve some bloody respect.
You are far nicer than I would be, there's being understanding to someone's circumstances then there's allowing someone to be a bully sorry she can't see how lucky she is to have your input

You sound like one of life's truly lovely people, OP. She sounds like an ungrateful idiot or someone who is going through a crisis you may not know about. Whatever the situation, it's not worth your time. It sounds nasty but also sounds like you took it very much to heart (hard not to admittedly).This makes me wonder about whether you are getting enough support in your own life, with the significant challenges you are having to deal with daily. I'd try and forget about her, focus on yourself and see where you can draw strength from so that you are able to care for yourself and those who depend on you. I'm not excusing her, but you sound burned out generally and like you deserve a break

You don't necessarily need ti give up on the group, but what about recruiting a calm, authoritative Enforcer type, who will deal with her firmly but (initially) kindly.

If the hospitals and CAHMS are sending people your way, they could at least provide backup for you. Maybe in the form of a Matron type who will be your enforcer...?

I think it's time you stopped for a moment and remember why you help out and the benefits you bring to the group.

Now ask yourself, why should all the wonderful parents and children be less important than one bitch!

I think you'll have more resolve to deal with her in future if you're confident of your true worth.

Thanks so much everyone

I suppose you're going to get disordered personalities in all walks of life, and she's one. If CAMHS and the hospital are referring people to you, perhaps it's time to get the group on a more formal setting, a more formal structure; which could include eg a complaints procedure, conduct rules (to sign?) etc - perhaps these steps are a mark of the success of the group. I work with vulnerable people and it's essential to have some means of support eg supervision, counselling: a place to offload, debrief, get support.

Yes Yabu in a way but I totally understand your feelings, I think most people would feel similarly. It's horrible to be treated like that and attacked so unfairly especially when you have actually helped someone several times.

It sounds to me as though you do so much amazing work for this group and it probably benefits loads and loads of people, it would be such a dreadful shame for you to stop doing that because of her. However, I would be tempted to tell her what you've told us here in a message ie all the ways that you have helped her and how she's made you feel. It sounds as if you would have alot of support from your friends.

So sorry to hear about your son's health and your own difficulties it must be incredibly hard. x