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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think there's no suitable childcare available to me?

36 replies

Andanotherthing123 · 04/06/2014 18:30

I have 3 DC and my maternity leave ends in sept when baby will be 8 months. For the last 6 years we've used a combination of daycare and breakfast/afterschool clubs to allow me to work 4 days per week. DC 1 & 2 both have a disability. Eldest needs regular medication via injection which school are trained to give while DC2 has autism and started a special needs school in Jan which doesn't have after school clubs.

A nanny would wipe out what I earn and a childminder couldn't be an option as my kids need quite a bit of extra support and I don't think they'd be willing to take them on as I know they have to look after a few kids at once to make a decent wage.

DS3 can go to daycare but they don't offer school only hours so paying for a whole day but working school hours leaves me out of pocket.

DS 1's afterschool club has agreed to take him and DS2 in sept.dh and I feel that DS2 will struggle to cope and the other kids will struggle with him too.He blows raspberries spits all the time and he can be physically challenging violent when he's frustrated.

AIBU to think I've looked at all childcare options and if this one doesn't work out, I have to walk away from a job I love? I'm scared not to work and worried about how we'll cope financially, although dh recently got a promotion which helps.

I like being on mat leave and I have between 1-3 appointments p.w for the kids so it would be good not to have to juggle them and a job. I just feel frightened that I'll be permanently sucked into the role of carer and any other skills I've got will never be used again. But the flip side is that I will have 2 kids in childcare which doesn't really meet their needs.

I can't seem to make a decision either way but hate it hanging over me all the time.

OP posts:

Joules68 · 04/06/2014 18:32

You say a nanny would wipe out your wage? Why does paying for it all fall to you?

BobTheFly · 04/06/2014 18:33

Cm for dc3 for school hours and work school hours leaving yourself able to collect dc1 & 2.

Sirzy · 04/06/2014 18:35

Joules - I read that more as it would be pointless working when your wages would just cover someone else's wage.

BobTheFly · 04/06/2014 18:35

Well it wouldn't joules but presumably that matters as to whether the family budget can afford for her to go back to work.

Why do 'feminists' always pipe up with that remark? Surely simple maths tells you that she needs to earn more than the cost of her being at work.

WipsGlitter · 04/06/2014 18:36

joules it's an expression. Basically it means that the household budget is no better off with the OP working.

Sirzy · 04/06/2014 18:37

Would either of your children be eligible for DLA? That could then possibly help towards more specialist childcare or make it easier for you to be a SAHM and deal with the appointments etc

Would it be possible for you and your partner to both work part time?

AlpacaLypse · 04/06/2014 18:39

Step back. So a nanny would wipe out your wage - but leave all DH's?

No brainer - you are a family, a unit. Think of nanny as an investment in your family's life, something you and DH need to cough for right now, just as you (presumably) shared the expense of buying a cot and nappies and baby clothes and first scooters etc etc. As the years pass, your child care needs will change, and what's the point of you losing your position in your career due to taking time out to do stuff that a paid professional nanny can do just as well as you?

BobTheFly · 04/06/2014 18:40

Oh my fucking days.

TippiShagpile · 04/06/2014 18:42

Short term pain, long term gain.

Look to the longer, bigger picture if you can.

When I went back to work my net contribution to the household finances (as a whole) was tiny but it has increased massively now that the dc are at school etc. My career and earning potential has rocketed and the childcare costs are lower.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 04/06/2014 18:42

So you could work and pay a nanny = zero income
Not work = zero income

If you love your job just stay and pay.

mcdog · 04/06/2014 18:43

Bobthefly, your last comment made me really laugh. It's exactly what I was thinking

CoffeeTea103 · 04/06/2014 18:47

Bob so true.

bunchoffives · 04/06/2014 18:47

Why do 'feminists' always pipe up with that remark? Surely simple maths tells you that she needs to earn more than the cost of her being at work.

BobtheFly Onlt feminists who can't read and understand a figure of speech or do maths

TippiShagpile · 04/06/2014 18:49

Paying for childcare is not the sole responsibility of the mother .

It's a joint responsibility.

But you do need to look at the OVERALL effect on the household finances AS A WHOLE.

Go for it OP. Stick with the job you love.

Artandco · 04/06/2014 18:53

Get a nanny. An ofsted registered one can be paid partly through childcare vouchers and you can do salary sacrifice where the childcare fee is taken from your gross salary before tax. So nanny may be cheapest option especially for x3 children

Also nanny can have special need experience, or you can send for training in certain areas. Plus the will be availiable for all appointments/ when sick/ during holidays etc . Children stay in own home environment, May even cook dinner for adults also if something like lasagne, and will help with kids laundry, toys tidy etc. also means you can leave when kids in bed if needed as no rush to get them out to childcare

Shedwood · 04/06/2014 18:55

I'm struggling to phrase this in a way that won't seem patronising, but I'm asking as I'm geuinely curious...

When you were working in the job you loved with two children in childcare and weighing up the pros and cons of having DC3, how did you think childcare would work with three kids?

DragonMamma · 04/06/2014 18:56

I think what the OP means is that her DH's income is the same as before but if she RTW and takes home 2000 and childcare is 2100 then the WHOLE FAMILY is 100 worse off a month for her working.

When I was recently looking I thought in exactly the same way even though childcare costs come out of our joint point. It's just an easier way of looking at any changes to the household budget fgs.

And OP, I think it's a difficult one but I would go for long term gain and get a nanny.

Original poster

Andanotherthing123 · 04/06/2014 19:01

Cm for baby during school hours is a possibility - thanks for that suggestion. will mean asking work if I can reduce my hours and then some but they are good employers and have been supportive of my situation.

Dh and I do split costs for everything and he's as supportive of my career as I am of his but I appreciated the splitting of childcare costs can be a thorny issue.

OP posts:

Beastofburden · 04/06/2014 19:02

I have two DC with a disability and one without and I went back to work when they were 6,4 and 2. For me what worked was a nanny three days a week while I was still part time and then I got a SENCO teaching assistant, who was funded to care for my DS2 full time in school, to work for me out of school hours and in holidays. DS2 is now 18 and she is still with us!

For me it has been very helpful to have some work going on long term, and as the DC get older I do find I have more choices than the mothers of other kids at DSs school (also a special school) who didn't go back.

Don't panic, but don't give up either, would be my advice.

MrsKoala · 04/06/2014 19:05

Bobthefly - I was going to say the same about the constant comments about childcare being jointly paid. It just means the family pot would be no better off. it is irrelevant whose actual salary it comes out of. if you put x in the pot and the childcare costs x (or often more) the family and you are no better off.

However i would say, if it just cancels out and doesn't cost you money and you love your job, and your family wouldn't suffer negatively at all then it's worth working if you want to.

Personally our childcare would be £400 more a month than i could earn, and i hated my job, and we'd all be exhausted, and i'd have to put dc in 7-7 - care which we don't want to do. So for us me working isn't even an option.

Beastofburden · 04/06/2014 19:09

The thing is, with kids who have no disability, the period of not working can be quite short. You are done by the time they are at secondary, if you want to be. But my 18 year old is still like a 2 year old. For me it goes on as long as I live, one way or another.

So the decision is a bit different from mrs koalas, which sounds completely sensible to me. For us parents of disabled kids, it is true you can get completely stuck.

Original poster

Andanotherthing123 · 04/06/2014 19:09

shedwood the simple answer to your question is that I wanted a third child and I am very lucky to have one. I love my job but not as much as I love my baby so I'm happy with my decision. I also didn't realise SN schools don't offer childcare in the same way as mainstream schools. Disability changes everything.

OP posts:

Joules68 · 04/06/2014 19:17

Your post reads as it's all your responsibility

Your wage
You getting the dc to appointments
You still mulling it over

No joint decisions on this? It's all 'I' in the op....

Why are the splitting if childcare costs a 'thorny issue'?

chesterberry · 04/06/2014 19:19

It might be worth trying to find out whether there are any after school clubs for children with SEN anywhere in your local area. I teach at a special school and we don't run an after school club, however the primary-aged students are able to attend an after school club at another local special school. The club doesn't quite run like a mainstream after-school club, the children are only entitled to one, or in some cases two, days a week and these are always the same but it is available. The secondary students are able to access an after school 'youth club' run through MENCAP which is on two days a week straight after school at MENCAP's building.

If your finances could allow it you could also find out whether any of the LSA's at your DC2's school would be interested in supporting him after school. Many of the LSA's at my school look after children outside of work, either after school or at weekends. Sometimes they support them at home or sometimes they take them out. Some families are given funding (I think direct payments) to pay for support for their children, I think they arrange this through their social worker. Not all families are entitled to this and I don't know the criteria but it may be worth trying to find out whether you can get any funding to pay for support for your DC2. People on the SEN boards may know more about funding available, or your child may be entitled to one-to-one support to enable them access the mainstream after school club if that is needed.

If you live in a university city you might even be able to find a teaching or medical student who might be able to mind your DC2 - when I was at university I had a job in which I picked up children after school and stayed with them until their parents returned home at around 5:30/6ish. I wasn't paid much (about £6/7 an hour) and one of the children I minded did have special educational needs.

Good luck finding a solution!

Monkeyandanimal · 04/06/2014 19:22

How about an au pair?

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