To think this was a little insensitive?

[crazydashboard]

My DH and I aren't having a fab year so far.
A baby in the family died followed by another family member fighting cancer and now a friend of mine died yesterday (expected but not so soon).
We were having a chat on the way to work and I strongly believe that mindset has a lot to do with how people deal with terminal illnesses. It is awful, sadly a number of years ago my family dealt with this three times over in quick succession. I have no idea how I would cope and I know everyone is completely different, it must be horrendous to hear.
However, hubby got all scientific on me saying I am wrong. He might well be right but bad timing or am I just being sensitive?

I think it's more insensitive to say this person died because they weren't in the right mindset tbh.

That's not what I am saying at all, and out of context

It might help how you cope with it when it happens but doesn't change the outcome.

People's own psychological makeup and previous experiences affects how they deal with all sorts of life experiences. But I think you must guard against implying that this can alter the course of a disease. There's little evidence that this is the case.

So I think you are probably both right

Does your husband think that attitude or outlook has nothing to do with how difficult people find terminal illness?

I think you're talking at cross purposes, though. He's glommed onto facts & you want emotional catharsis & sharing of grief. Neither of you is right or wrong.

What did you mean by mindset being significant in dealing with terminal illness? People deal with things in different ways. There is a big emphasis nowadays on positive thinking, but positive thinking doesn't usually change the outcome of a terminal diagnosis.

I agree with your husband, to be honest.

I'm sorry you've had a bad year - so many losses and all of them sad. I've just lost a dear friend to cancer. She fought it so hard and suffered so much but in the end nature decided and she died. She was positive and strong all the way through her illness but it didn't stop her from dying.

I think I know what OP means, but I can't express it better than her.
I presume it's not about whether one dies, but whether one can have a less difficult journey whatever the outcome. So about how well one copes with what happens, not about what happens.

Death comes to all of us to managing the journey there probably can be done better by some than others. Not anyone's fault how it goes, though.

I don't know what you mean by 'mindset has a lot to do with how people deal with terminal illnesses' or 'hubby got all scientific on me saying I am wrong'. So I can't say if I think YABU or N.

You haven't really explained what you do mean.

I also don't understand what you mean by mindset so can't judge either way.

Yes it was insensitive because your friend had just died and he should have just smiled and nodded instead of being "right"

I think mindset has everything to do with the quality of remaining life. My friend died this week. She had a head shaving party before her chemo, if she'd lived long enough for her hen night this weekend it would have been Minion themed so her yellow colour (thanks to her liver packing up) would be embraced and not bemoaned. She was deformed to live her remaining life and not focus on the death. I don't have her spirit or sense of humour. If it were me, I'd have struggled and not had the times she had.

In currently say at the bedside of my dying FIL. Me, DH and SIL are ensuring there is one of us always with him and we are all coping very differently. DH is silent, sullen and brooding but very practical. SIL is looking at this from a medical aspect as well as a daughter. I'm holding everyone together and filling in the gaps, coming at this from an emotional support angle.

mindset has a lot to do with how people deal with terminal illnesses

If I understand you correctly, then by "mindset", you mean the development/implementation of coping strategies, the general outlook on the future? I think this will, surely by definition, have everything to do with how people "deal" with a personal terminal diagnosis. However, the effect of such "mindsets" on disease progression is dubious. I guess lower levels of stress imbued by a positive coping strategy may help in a physical sense. Negative outlooks might compromise drug intake, and so on.

Am off to peruse some papers.

Scientific studies have shown that a positive attitude to serious illness is more likely to lead to a poor outcome. Does that answer your question?

AEIfgifu, can you link to the studies? I know positive attitude doesn't help but actually hinders? wow.

(can't go and tell friend with cancer to be less positive though :( )

Can you clarify what you mean by "deal with" OP?

If I understand you correctly, then by "mindset", you mean the development/implementation of coping strategies, the general outlook on the future?

That's how I read it. I can't understand how it could be read by others as anything other than that?

YY to links to studies showing worse outcome with positive outlook.

I too can't make up my mind which of you is insensitive until I can understand what it is you're trying to say.

Are you saying how people deal with the death of someone close to them depends on whether they have a positive outlook in life in general?

I too can't make up my mind which of you is insensitive until I can understand what it is you're trying to say.

^^This

I thought the same as Bobthefly.

Not sure if it's what you mean but....

My friend was the most positive person I've ever known. Honestly almost ridiculously optimistic and so so positive, even when she got diagnosed with cancer.

Didn't prevent her death 6 months later.

Joysmum I'm sorry to hear about your friend and your FIL

A positive attitude can make a difference in the approach but not the outcome.

My friend, who died recently, did not have any parties or get togethers. She was frightened and angry and didn't want to die. People react differently to bad news.