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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think FIL staying for 3 weeks is quite a long time...?

27 replies

Bigsooze · 04/06/2014 10:28

He was going to leave this weekend after a 2 week stay but hasn't mentioned going anywhere. He's not too much trouble, helps with a bit of gardening. I just have to feed him (safe meat and 2 veg dinners), wash his clothes and make him lots of tea and put up with his stinky incontinent dog... He was widowed last year and lives a long way away, so visits are never going to be short... but 3 weeks is loooong. Or AIBU...?

OP posts:
DoJo · 04/06/2014 10:30

YANBU but it sounds like he really needs the company so good on you for making him feel welcome enough to want to stay.

diddl · 04/06/2014 10:35

Not sure tbh.

My dad used to stay twice a year for a 4wks each time.

We are a flight away thoough.

His dog sounds more trouble...

Original poster
Bigsooze · 04/06/2014 10:41

The dog is minging. you can barely breathe in our spare room where the dog sleeps... I don't mind but I'm wary of these visits getting longer and longer and him trying to slip into living with us - which I don't want but worry my DH wouldn't have the balls to sort out!

OP posts:
PeachyParisian · 04/06/2014 12:08

Have you tried casually mentioning a leaving date? It's understandable that he's lonely but that doesn't mean you should be miserable instead.

Maybe say something about pencilling in a date on the calendar for his next visit?

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 04/06/2014 15:43

is it feasible for him to move nearer so he can visit for a day here and there?

Original poster
Bigsooze · 04/06/2014 15:50

I think he stays with us as a way of 'hiding' from his very lonely life at home. He refuses to make any efforts towards having a social life, refuses home help, doesn't see anyone apart from DH's brother once a week for tea. (DH's brother lives around the corner). I'd be happy if he moved closer, but he also refuses to move house...

His next visit is in 2 months time.

OP posts:
Greyhound · 04/06/2014 16:46

He sounds unhappy and lonely but there are better ways of dealing with that than imposing on you to the extent that you don't know when he's going to leave.

However, it is going to be difficult to help him if he won't accept the kind of help that you want to offer.

Is there a gardening club he could join? Or something like that? It's no good if he just refuses help and hopes to move in with you and take his stinky dog with him.

Original poster
Bigsooze · 05/06/2014 18:32

Oh bum, he's gone and booked a vet's appointment for next Thursday so he's 'got to stay'. And he only drives on Sundays as the roads are quieter so we have another 10 days to go. Sorry, but he has outstayed his welcome and he's coming back in a couple of months too. Sorry, but how do I deal with this??

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 05/06/2014 18:44

heart to heart time with DH

it's wrong for FIL (and and stinky dog, yuck!) to basically impose on you like this, you need to invite for specific periods/dates, at the frequency & length YOU are comfortable with.
It's also down to his sons to try to encourage him re: making friends or having more social activities

DraggingDownDownDown · 05/06/2014 20:04

ummm....are you sure he actually plans on leaving in-between the two visits.

expatinscotland · 05/06/2014 20:07

Your DH needs to step up. Why are you skivvying?

Your DH needs to set some boundaries here.

3 weeks and he is coming back in 2 months?

Also, I would not have that dog.

Chottie · 05/06/2014 20:08

Would he be interested in joining Men in Sheds? There are loads of these projects all over the country now. Basically men who meet in a shed and make all manner of things out of wood. In some places they have teamed up with local FE colleges and are passing on their skills.

Or a local ramblers with dogs group?

DollyWosits · 05/06/2014 20:11

I'm sure he can rearrange the vets visit?

ViviPru · 05/06/2014 20:15

Thanks for posting that Chottie - what a good idea. I have sent the link to my Dad...

HappyAgainOneDay · 05/06/2014 20:16

Couldn't the dog stay with the father's other son during his visits - the one who lives near him?

I won't have dogs here so any visitors leave them at kennels. Perhaps the dog is his only companion now though.

wafflyversatile · 05/06/2014 20:17

You need to address the issue with him, or address it with your DH and him address it with him or both address it with him. Or employ a PA to address it with him....

Bottom line of discussion: Moving in isn't going to happen. Visits are fine but they are not the answer to the problem of being lonely because you're always going to have to go back to your own house where nothing will have changed. You need to learn to be happy in your own home by building a life for yourself there. Get out there. Join clubs etc.

glasgowstevenagain · 05/06/2014 20:33

You have been too passive so have let this happen by stealth ...His stealth

Original poster
Bigsooze · 06/06/2014 10:06

Well thanks for the support everyone. Tried to discuss this with DH last night and ended up having a big row (in whispers of course so FIL didn't hear...) I can tell DH is stuck and doesn't know what to do. I've simply said I want a limit of 2 weeks on all future visits and he needs to say this to his dad. Even that is too much to ask apparently. Said I needed to be more understanding and tried to make me feel bad for not loving FIL. I care about him, I'm fond of him, but we always seem to end up in a situation where I find myself resenting him (when he overstays welcomes!) I think he is playing us now and we are too passive, as you said glasgow...

I have printed out the whole schedule for the U3A in his area, suggested all sorts of old folks meet ups, painting classes etc. And he stubbornly refuses all of it. Says he just doesn't have the interest anymore. Plays the Alzheimers card. He is old and forgetful, but if he can still drive 200+ miles to our house, things ain't too bad!

OP posts:
glasgowstevenagain · 06/06/2014 14:50

You can do the driving....

Pick him up and drop him off....

then you control the lenght of trips

Original poster
Bigsooze · 06/06/2014 14:59

Yes, now that is a plan...

OP posts:
russiandwarf · 06/06/2014 17:43

I really feel for you, especially where the stinky dog is concerned! I don't think it's unreasonable to impose a 2 week rule. Your DH needs to be the one to say something, but obviously he doesn't want to hurt his Dad's feelings which is understandable. The thing is by not saying anything he is showing more concern for him than for you, which is not fair in your own home. Maybe try and bring it up again, tell DH he can sort his dinners, his washing etc after the 2 week mark (starting now), especially if he's not prepared to say anything. Your FIL is hedging his bets as nothing has been said, he must know it's coming!

Chippednailvarnish · 06/06/2014 17:57

Make a vets appointment for him near where he lives then invent an imaginary visitor who is arriving Monday...

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 06/06/2014 17:58

The dog situation would drive me bonkers but I would expect a family member to feel they could live with us if circumstances meant they were lonely or ill etc. But then I am a fan of extended family living having been brought up with granny and grandad or just the one of them in the next bedroom, as was my husband.

It can be really nice to have older loved ones around

glasgowstevenagain · 06/06/2014 18:20

It can bit not for 3 weeks every few months

HansieLove · 06/06/2014 18:20

Tell him he has to leave THIS Sunday. He can make an appt for his dog at his home.