to not go on this hen do even though I'm a bridesmaid?

[unwillingbridesmaid]

nc obviously :)

Friend is having a hen weekend in a few weeks which I have agreed to attend (select few, weekend of relaxing in country cottage, etc - personally I would have preferred something with more sunshine but others didn't want to go abroad, so went with the majority view)

In addition, and nearer to the time of the wedding, she is also having a hen night, which I am also invited expected to go along to. Hen night is in town A, I live in town B, which is a good 40 or so miles away - by public transport it would take me 2.5 hours or more, so if I go, I'd have to stay out overnight.

Bride to be lives about 10 miles away from town A, but in the opposite direction to me, however she couldn't put me up as her fiance won't have guests in the house

Another friend (who is invited and can put me up for the night) lives about 15-20 miles away in another direction to both me and bride, however as a cab is likely to be £40-50 each way and she is only in a MW job, she probably won't go.

Which leaves me either:

1. In a hotel for the night (though there's nowhere to stay in A, so not sure where I'd go);
2. With a 3 figure cab fare home; or
3. Saying that I'm very sorry but I can't make it.

WIBU to go for no 3, esp as I'm a bridesmaid??

Well you're already going to one! Bit much to expect you to go to both? Why do people think we are all made of money

Yanbu, go with 3.
You're already going to one.

Do you drive? I went to a hen do miles away so drove there and just didn't drink. Just so I was showing face really. It was still a good night.

You would have gone to a hen do somewhere sunnier, and presumably costlier? So with what you've saved there you could afford to fork out for a cab or hotel if you wanted to. What I'm hearing is you don't want to.

If you would have gone somewhere sunnier it would have taken longer and cost more, so I think YABU, you should suck it up and go.

I was a bridesmaid last year and didn't go on the hen do - at least you're going on one! YANBU, there's no law about it.

You're already turning up for the hen weekend. A hen night on top is pushing it.

I'm with option 3.

The hen weekend isn't cheap - I don't drive so the train fare is no less than an Easyjet/RyanAir flight to the Costas/Balearics would have been, snd cost of accommodation is prob more if anything, all in all I doubt a 4 day break in Spain would have cost any more than this long weekend in the UK.

My issue is that, having laid out for one weekend, I don't really want another expensive night that I can't get to/from easily on top of it.

However, as one of the other bridesmaids can't go to the hen night (as her DH is best man at a wedding that day) I am worried if I also say no - along with the other friend I mentioned, and several others who are reluctant because Town A is too far/ a pain in the arse to get to, the bride is not going to be too happy with me :(

if the location is such a problem for so many people can you not all suggest somewhere else?

if it really is too much for you then just be honest.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, simple as that. She can be annoyed if she wants, but unless she's going to put you up, she will just have to accept it.

Don't go. Seriously, don't go.

He won't have guests in the house? Not ever?

Before she arranged it, I tried to hint at a different location (no-one lives in town A, which is just a normal town, not some prime hen night location or anything - not that her night needs to be anywhere like that, just explaining there seems to be no particular reason for her to have chosen somewhere which doesnt really suit anyone, apart from one of her other friends who is nearby-ish. Everyone else is miles away).

There is no way she will go against her fiance and put any of us up. Think I may have to woman up and break it to her that I'm not going.

^^red flag^^^

Off topic but true.

Yes, he won't have guests. Whole other thread really! But basically that - she's lived with him for a couple of years now, but I didn't have their full address til I got the wedding invitation (apparently he was worried people might pop round...). He has no friends or family so I guess isn't used to visitors

Hmm, it doesn't sound good really, does it?

Or he's a secret agent spy (joke).
I think I'd invent a tummy bug the night before the hen do (coward's way out).

Tempting to invent a bug, but there's only probably a max of 4-5 people going in view of the location (including me and the bride) so I'd feel a bit mean!

Plus we have to pay for our food/drink (it's a set meal with wine etc) in advance.

Don't go. If you all can't go, bride may consider an alternative.

The no guests thing is weird, and not a good look out for her, but frankly I would use it as leverage now. Band together with the others who don't want to go and say you are all sorry but you can't find anywhere to stay there and as it's not possible to stay at hers you can't make it to A town.

Although, on that point, is there really nowhere at all to stay? No Travelodge/Premier Inn/Ibis, nothing?

The no guests thing is weird, I agree.

But he's a man approaching middle age with no friends (not even casual ones), which isn't exactly normal either. I don't think he's abusive or properly odd, just a bit insular and boring. I certainly wouldn't be marrying him, but he seems to make her happy.

however she couldn't put me up as her fiance won't have guests in the house

Please clarify: he won't let them stay overnight in the house or he won't allow one toe over the threshold even for afternoon tea??

OP, I demand you start another thread once this one is done.

U could stay with the girl who is only a £40 cab ride away and offer to split it 75/25 maybe?

Could someone stay with you and you share the cab fare that way?