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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our wedding could be a bit more of a priority to him? Feel like crying all the time.

80 replies

NitaNitron · 03/06/2014 13:06

Partner and I became engaged in Fed this year with the aim to get married summer next year. Money is tight at the moment, we have a holiday booked for August and are going to Glastonbury in a few weeks. IMO we're lucky to be able to do these things but obviously it doesn't help our money situation so next year we agreed on no holiday, saving up for our wedding and generally being as careful as pos, especially as next year my full time wage drops down to £300 a month for a year until I finish my course. Baring all this in mind it started to dawn on us that our dreams of a nice wedding may be unrealistic so we've agreed to make it a cheap affair, prob reg office and a pub afterwards (classy eh!).

I was happy to do this. However, he's now saying he still wants to go to Glastonbury next year. Glastonbury costs us over £500 for 3 days away. Yet he keeps saying we'll have to make sure the wedding is as cheap as poss. AIBU to think that if us getting married even meant anything to him he'd prioritise it over a bloody music festival?

This is a massive deal to me and he knows it yet he's happy for it to be as cheap and tacky as possible as long as he gets to go to Glastonbury. AIBU to think he might have thought a bit more of me than that? Especially since spending that £500+ we don't have could possibly jeapordise the wedding completely. We'll struggle to do it as it is :-(

I'm just feeling all disillusioned with it now. It just feels that his priorities are all wrong. I don't feel like I am engaged at all, we never talk about it, we never look stuff up - I met up with a friend yesterday and she said "you do realise we should be sat here looking through wedding brochures and stuff? I actually keep forgetting you're getting married, isnt it a big deal to you?" I nearly started crying!! Because yeah it is and I feel like I'm the only person who gives a shit about it. Being engaged should be exciting and happy - for me it's just a massive bag of anxiety and sadness. This is my first time getting married and I feel like I'm missing out on all the 'normal' excitement and feelings a woman gets before she marries.

Pissed off and fed up. If I have to listen to one more excited bride to be at work organising her day I think I'll burst into tears.

OP posts:
BellBookandCandle · 03/06/2014 13:10

YABU ......Your wedding is one day ......your marriage is for life. It's not about bridal magazines and big frocks etc, it's about two people who love one another making a commitment.
Why not get married at/just before Glastonbury and make the festival your honeymoon?

MegMogandOwlToo · 03/06/2014 13:11

YABU, a wedding doesn't have to cost much.

Surely you want your husband to do things he enjoys? A marriage isn't just about the wedding.

Annianni · 03/06/2014 13:13

Was going to suggest getting married at Glastonbury too.

MorrisZapp · 03/06/2014 13:14

Why not just wait until you can have the wedding you want? I wouldnt want to miss Glastonbury (if I was into that) for the sake of a registry office and pub wedding.

Original poster
NitaNitron · 03/06/2014 13:14

I suggested getting married at Glastonbury. He just laughed it off.

I do want him to enjoy things and I'm happy to have a cheap wedding but he talks as though lack of funds might mean that we can't get married next year at all - yet we can find the money to go to Glastonbury?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/06/2014 13:15

My eldest DD has put of ttc for two years, so she can still do the festivals, holidays etc.

Her BF wanted to try earlier. The baby won't necessarily mean any less to her, if it happens.

They are having similar discussions around wedding costs. My DD's marriage will be of great importance to her, as her relationship is, but she argues that they don't need to impress anyone, as long as the venue is good, the dress what she likes etc, we will have a good day and make great memories.

You need to sit him down and work out your budget and what you both want.

I had a good wedding, it took me four Months to plan, I knew what Church I wanted and it wasn't greatly popular (Methodist).

flowery · 03/06/2014 13:16

If you're going to Glastonbury this year YANBU to think he could manage missing next year for the sake of your wedding, which is a one-off event. Glastonbury will still be there the following year.

Birdsgottafly · 03/06/2014 13:17

"but he talks as though lack of funds might mean that we can't get married next year at all - yet we can find the money to go to Glastonbury?"

That needs Indepth discussion.

Does he want to get married? Can you just not afford the wedding you want and he doesn't see why life has to stop for two years, to achieve it?

momb · 03/06/2014 13:17

YANBU. Glastonbury is every year. You are only going to get married once, and if that 500 is the difference between a party to celebrate your marriage or not then he is being unfair.
You have both already agreed on a small scale party at a pub, it's not as though you are holding out for St Pauls Cathedral and the Dorchester.

Igggi · 03/06/2014 13:18

I think you have already had to compromise your ideal wedding quite a lot. A registry office and pun meal can still be a fabby day though!
Is he basically saying he puts going to the festival above getting married next year?
I am guessing you don't have dcs, I would be keen to see some willingness to alter his current lifestyle for something important before going down that road.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/06/2014 13:18

Op if you are putting on the pressure from now, you are on a very fast track to the wedding might not even happening. I agree with the pp, who suggested holding off until you can actually have the wedding you want, not the one you are just barely making to meet and in the process ruining a very special time.

JustGrrrrrreat · 03/06/2014 13:18

6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

If it were me I would have the wedding after you finish your course and you have a little more cash.

I wouldn't go to Glasto at that cost because it just isnt worth it to me. But it maybe to him.

He wants Glasto. You want a wedding. As long as you both want a marriage the details arent important.

MrsWinnibago · 03/06/2014 13:18

I don't think his priorities are wrong! I think yours are. A wedding is NOT a marriage.

The "day" is just the official bit and a celebration. Cheap does not mean tacky unless you happen to be lacking in style yourself.

Why don;t you combine Glastonbury and your wedding? I would. Get married in a registry office up there a day before the festival...arrange for a few close friends and family to come up for that...have a lovely meal out that evening and stay in a B&B (some gorgeous ones that way) and then go on to the festival.

Igggi · 03/06/2014 13:19

Possibly you should wait, as it might be you don't end up wanting to marry him after all.

Canus · 03/06/2014 13:19

Well, if that's how you feel, you will just have to keep talking unil you reach a compromise. Are you sure he is quite ready for marriage? Your wedding date is some way off still.

Glastonbury, holidays etc. are all really cool things to do.

Experiences like that are things I'd prioritise over a wedding party.

Weddings are so cliched. Even people trying to be 'different' fall into the same-old same-old.

I dislike attending all but the most basic weddings these days, as I have a definite case of 'seen it all before-itis', so I totally understand someone wanting to 'do stuff' rather than spend money on an over involved party.

MrsWinnibago · 03/06/2014 13:20

Just to add...I am also getting married in December 2015 and I have NO idea about any of the details. It's not my main concern to be frank!

StackALee · 03/06/2014 13:21

Why not get married the year that there is no Glastonbury - when is that 2016? or 2017?

Or get married quietly and have a big party when you can afford it?

Arsepaste · 03/06/2014 13:22

I got married in a register office, and had a reception in the pub. It cost (all in: Saturday ceremony costs, sparkling wine, food, the cake, all outfits, flowers etc and a band) 1.7k. Cheap doesn't have to mean nasty, and it doesn't have to mean "unclassy", either. Getting married doesn't have to cost a lot to be meaningful, or beautiful. We then spent 500 on a weekend away in France.

It can be done - my husband was unemployed for a lot of the time we were saving up, and we still managed to save the money. Lots of people have complimented us on our "lovely" wedding since, which is nice, and unexpected.

Annianni · 03/06/2014 13:22

You need to sit down and talk to him.
Have you spoken about what sort of wedding you both want?

We got married at the registry office then came home for (lovely £££) champagne and a family member supplied the food as a present.

But we both wanted a small wedding, it was being married that was the important bit to us.

Our wedding cost very little (apart from the fizz and my ring)

SisterMoonshine · 03/06/2014 13:25

How did you "become engaged"?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/06/2014 13:25

I think whether or not a cheap wedding can be nice is missing the point, as are comments that the wedding isn't the marriage. Those things are true, but the OP is really upset and her partner doesn't seem to get it. That is a bit of a worry.

If he'd been saying 'look love, I see how you feel, let's try to work out what's important to both of us,' I'd see that differently. It sounds as if neither of them is getting across to the other why what they see as important, is important.

So, OP, what would you ideally want from your wedding? And have you said to him how you feel?

Dare I ask, did he seem excited when he proposed? Some people just aren't that into weddings and if you don't tell him you are, are you are feeling upset, he can't know.

Vintagejazz · 03/06/2014 13:26

I think the 'getting married' should be the important bit. If you're absolutely sure he is okay with that, then the actual wedding reception is minor.
Personally I hate big fancy weddings even as a guest, never mind as one of the main participants. So I can sympathise with your DF if he is just tying to avoid what to him might be a big circus that he doesn't really want.
You both really need to talk about this.

HenriettaTurkey · 03/06/2014 13:26

Put the ball back in his court - say Glastonbury costs £500, then charge him with the task of finding a completely new way of raising the £500 to supplement your wedding fund. It could be selling things on ebay, odd jobs, a seasonal job etc.

The most important thing is that you communicate your expectations.

OR look at the honeymoon - could that £500 go towards making the experience even more special - or is that somewhere you are prepared to cut?

If he doesn't want to get married at Glasto (which I think would be AMAZING!) how about it's the start of your honeymoon? Then it counts in the wedding planning and could always be a great way to spend your anniversary.

I think with a little thinking outside the box you could both be happy.

pianodoodle · 03/06/2014 13:27

A cheap wedding doesn't have to be tacky - mine wasn't :)

I was excited about getting married but the thought of trawling through brochures a year beforehand or cooing over colour schemes or fine details would bore me to tears.

It's probably not that he isn't happy to be getting married.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 03/06/2014 13:28

Why don't you have a very careful think about marrying a man who is very determined to have exactly what he wants, but 'laughs it off' when you start talking about things which are important to you?

A wedding is just one day yes. But it's not that that's the problem really, is it? It's the way he's showing you that what he wants is important, what you want is always negotiable.