To think our wedding could be a bit more of a priority to him? Feel like crying all the time.

[NitaNitron]

Partner and I became engaged in Fed this year with the aim to get married summer next year. Money is tight at the moment, we have a holiday booked for August and are going to Glastonbury in a few weeks. IMO we're lucky to be able to do these things but obviously it doesn't help our money situation so next year we agreed on no holiday, saving up for our wedding and generally being as careful as pos, especially as next year my full time wage drops down to £300 a month for a year until I finish my course. Baring all this in mind it started to dawn on us that our dreams of a nice wedding may be unrealistic so we've agreed to make it a cheap affair, prob reg office and a pub afterwards (classy eh!).

I was happy to do this. However, he's now saying he still wants to go to Glastonbury next year. Glastonbury costs us over £500 for 3 days away. Yet he keeps saying we'll have to make sure the wedding is as cheap as poss. AIBU to think that if us getting married even meant anything to him he'd prioritise it over a bloody music festival?

This is a massive deal to me and he knows it yet he's happy for it to be as cheap and tacky as possible as long as he gets to go to Glastonbury. AIBU to think he might have thought a bit more of me than that? Especially since spending that £500+ we don't have could possibly jeapordise the wedding completely. We'll struggle to do it as it is :-(

I'm just feeling all disillusioned with it now. It just feels that his priorities are all wrong. I don't feel like I am engaged at all, we never talk about it, we never look stuff up - I met up with a friend yesterday and she said "you do realise we should be sat here looking through wedding brochures and stuff? I actually keep forgetting you're getting married, isnt it a big deal to you?" I nearly started crying!! Because yeah it is and I feel like I'm the only person who gives a shit about it. Being engaged should be exciting and happy - for me it's just a massive bag of anxiety and sadness. This is my first time getting married and I feel like I'm missing out on all the 'normal' excitement and feelings a woman gets before she marries.

Pissed off and fed up. If I have to listen to one more excited bride to be at work organising her day I think I'll burst into tears.

"I just feel that everyone is telling her to be a nice person, submit to what he wants, be happy about a wedding in a field - why the heck should she? "

I agree. However all weddings need compromise - but the main thing is to talk about it.

No and of course if you don't want a huge wedding or the thought of it fills you with dread then of course you shouldn't have one. But it's just every thread I've been on where the OP says that they do want to make a bit of a thing of it or they want a big day but can't afford it everyone replies "YABU you should just go to the registry office in your jeans." I wouldn't have wanted to do that, I'd have regretted it. I had a small party and it was great and I'd do the same again if I could go back in time.

I don't see what's wrong with going through the whole wedding brochure thing if you want to? Everyone's different. If you genuinely don't want it then fine but some people love all of that.

I'd probably be more inclined to get married on the 'holiday of a lifetime' tbh, that would keep it a bit more special and separate (you sound a bit resentful re Glastonbury so the last thing I would do is organise my wedding to fit round it).

(I am not someone who gets festivals though - they are my idea of hell!)

The issue isn't how big, classy, expensive or otherwise the actual wedding is- it's that you are heading into a lifetime of shared responsibilities and finances with such major differences of opinion over what your priorities are. Finances are one of the major sources of problems within marriages- it doesn't bode well that not only do you disagree about financial priorities, you also (as a couple) have not found a way to resolve disagreements.

FWIW I don't think you're being unreasonable to expect your wedding to take priority - Glastonbury happens almost every year, missing it once isn't going to kill him. The problem is that every year there will be financial commitments which you need to prioritise- it may be a house deposit which gets spent on a trip to Glastonbury, it may be that you have a child and have to return to work earlier than planned because he wants to spend the money on Glastonbury. The difficulty lies in agreeing a way forward, because this issue will continue to crop up in other guises throughout married life.

You know, there is something childish and pathetic about a man who puts something like that at the centre of his life.

Does he like to pretend he's 20?

OP that is a very fair offer you have made him, if he declines it then I think you would have to consider your relationship over.

How are you doing glasto for 2 people on £500?

Ticket £215 x 2 plus travel, food and booze for 5 days. You are a master of budgeting to do glasto so cheaply.

YY Inertia. That's true too.

I was being kind - last year it cost us more like £800.

Anyway, he's text back. Agreed to it and said it sounds like a great plan. So I've found reg office for £150 and I've suggested we hire a pub function room for around £150 for a small get together on the day before glastonbury. I said I want to give notice at the reg office in October at the same time as we put a deposit on glastonbury tickets. He's agreed. We'll see.

Good luck Op. I think you are being entirely reasonable. Good plan too.

I hate bridezillas, love going to massive weddings but would not have wanted one for myself, agree with all the 'it's just a day' stuff.

But nonetheless, it is meaningful for the couple involved, and you are entirely within your rights to want your Bf to show a small amount of excitement (and correspondingly, willingness to sacrifice) for the occasion.

I'm glad he likes your idea.
Good luck op

For heaven's sake people, the OP is anything but princessy about this! She's made it abundantly clear that she is quite happy to have a very modest ceremony - more modest, I would guess, than the ceremony that some of the people criticising her actually had.

The issue is that she doesn't feel that she's able to get exciting and giddy about the whole thing because her partner just doesn't seem that bothered. Whether you like weddings or not (and I'm not a fan personally) - THIS MATTERS TO HER AND IS UPSETTING HER!

OP, you should feel excited and giddy about this whole thing, and it's got nothing to do with the dress or the show - it's about getting married, and that is A Big Deal. Also, rather than resigning yourself in advance to it being flat because of the money situation, have a look around the web! You can have a LOVELY wedding on a budget. There are some great blogs out there with some really creative ideas to keep it cheap. If you take on a little bit of the work, you can make it truly magical. One of my friends had the most beautiful day - with terrific decorations and wonderful catering, for 50 people. For example, you could get some cheap or free seeds and start growing some trees in pots. By this time next year, you'll be able to pot them on, wrap them in cheap ribbon, and use them as centrepieces for tables. And at the end of the do, people can take them away and plant them in the countryside, so there will be trees everywhere celebrating your wedding!

For reasons beyond my control, I didn't have a very nice wedding, and I regret it=. It wasn't that it was cheap - I didn't mind that at all! - it was that it wasn't what I really wanted. I still feel a bit wistful sometimes. I love being married, and love my DH to bits, but I do wish we could have had a bit of a better day.

I think you are making a big compromise. There is nothing wrong with compromise ....as long as it is not all one way all the time.

Little things that seem quite trivial when in the first flush of youth and love can become big massive fucking huge issues later on and a partner's complete lack of compromise is not trivial.

Perhaps the bottom line is whether you and your partner want to be married or are you just wanting a party? Is it fiances or thinking time that your partner wants. Some peope are scared of the commitment that marriage entails. Pressurizing someone into marriage often ends in tears.

I had a really cheap wedding and no honeymoon. I didn't really enjoy my wedding day, but hey its one day of my life. Having a cheap wedding meant we could get a really nice house.

Yy, what is he compromising on? It has to work both ways.

Is there any reason you want to get married next year? Could it wait a few more months so you can be a bit more comfortable money wise?

I don't think yabu though.

The real problem is that there are some large red flags waving in the breeze singing, 'You two are not compatible!'

It sounds like you both value other things in life now.

Of course OP your problems may be solved by the ticketing situation-you may not get any in which case it's a good idea to wait til tickets go on sale to book the venue for the day before perhaps?

Get married at Glastonbury

sounds a good plan, especially the bit about having a guaranteed anniversary celebration. Enjoy it!

So poncing round with "festival dad" types is more important than hopefully the one wedding you get to have. Sorry but the lack of compromise is a massive red flag to me. You seem to be doing all the compromising here.

What happens when ten years pass and the dh still wants to celebrate every anniversary with a trip to the festival? I think getting married there sounds great, but worry about him going there when you're at home with a baby! Of course it won't be exactly the same date each year will it.

A wedding at Glastonbury festival?

No offence OP but if this is what my fiancé had expected of me I'd have gone mental!!

I think you are giving up on your dream wedding and going along with this just so you feel like the marriage is happening and is now something you can plan for.

I can't believe that somehow your fiancé has managed to get you to suggest it and also have you think it's a good idea....

I had the full on Wedding not that anyone is allowed to admit to that on MN and the whole day was so special beyond words. It's something I will never forget. As had been said, weddings only happen to you once ideally and if a woman wants her 'special day' then she should have it!!

Contrary to some MN beliefs it is possible to want a marriage and also want a wedding - it's not a case of you can only pick one

When I was planning our wedding my DH said that he will go along with whatever makes me happy because he knew how much it meant to me.

The fact your fiancée doesn't care that your wedding is going to consist of a pub function room, wellies and tents....well, I'd question just how important your happiness is to him.

What if you don't get tickets?

I think you should be having the conversation about arranging your wedding face to face, tbh, not by text. For starters.

I was going to say well done for sorting it out - but thinking more deeply i'm inclined to agree with the poster who said that basically you're now slipping a wedding in around his usual annual Glastonbury plans. Almost as if that way he'll barely notice and the Glastonbury plans wont be affected by him getting wed!

How big a deal a wedding is, how expensive, how extravagant, how small, how however it is, is pure personal choice. No wrong or right. BUT - ideally both parties need to be of similar mind about one main thing - and that's how much of a priority to them it is. That's what is out of kilter here i think.

Is your fiance a musician, OP? Something I have heard said a few times in my life (I know quite a few musicians and musicians' partners) about dating a musician is 'You have to accept that you will never be quite as interesting or important as a conversation about guitar strings.'

There are some people for whom their hobby/passion simply is the most important thing in their lives. It might be music, art, sport or science, but if you date someone like this you need to understand how much their 'thing' matters to them and decide whether or not you can accept it. If you have a passion of your own it can be easier (though it can make life more complicated if you and your partner decide to have children), though some people who are so utterly passionate about [thing] should perhaps not have kids or marry because they are unable to give enough of their time/attention to a partner or a family.

Some people LOVE weddings at festivals. Plus, outdoorsy celebrations are very in vogue now - I've seen a couple recently that have been very elegant retro gowns and wellies.

I don't think a wedding at Glasto is a compromise if both parties want it that way. I don't think a wedding at a stately home is either though bloody hell it's expensive and I can think of about 200 ways I'd rather spend twenty grand. Power to everyone's very different elbows.