to feel upset that primary school has failed to teach my son ( age 11) to write properly?

[SensingSolo]

Had a difficult weekend, but I'll spare the sob story, and this feels like another straw on the camel's back ...

I decided to help my son improve his handwriting, for the second time in his primary school career. It was so bad around Y4 that I had to go to the school and ask for some advice as to how I could help him at home , which I did as best I could.

Recently, I have noticed his handwriting is still poorly formed and have decided to have another go before he starts secondary school.

However, what I have now realised is that a lot of it is to do with the WAY he holds his pencil - like a claw! This is going to be hard to correct after such a long time, and my son was very upset at having to change it. Assuming we can of course, after 6 years of doing the wrong thing? Anyone help here btw?

I feel soooooooo hacked off that the school have not taught him the correct "tripod" way to write (which makes it so much easier and clearer). There seem to be so many things that primary schools do now in a huge curriculum (with a lot of political correctness thrown in). But really all I want my child to do is learn to basically read and write and some simple maths. I can do the rest.

Feeling both angry and upset at having to now do this, when I think its a teacher's job. Now, I feel like I have to teach my child to write all over again. Neither of us are relishing the thought ...

(p.s. we've left that school, so no point in going back and complaining).

What do I do now? Can I help him?

[thetoysarealiveitellthee]

Erm...as a mother in a similar situation to the OP (but as I am not a complete idiot I am NOT going to post on MN asking for advice) the first replies actually are quite vicious. They are more subtle than a "you are a twatty mother" post granted, but take it from me they are extremely cutting and distressing to someone in this situation.

I am despairing at the moment. My DS (5) just isn't getting school at all, doesn't want to learn, read, write, draw, he just wants to fuck about and have an attitude problem. In the measly time I get with him I try my best to help him, as instructed by his teacher, who has given up on DS to be honest, but for the sanity of the family I simply cant spend every night battling with him, it makes us all miserable, gets me upset that he is so behind his peers, gets him angry and upsets his brother. I am at my wits end, my post would have been similar to OPs, and had I got the replies OP did it would have tipped me over the edge.

[ouryve]

I'm most incredulous at the number of posters who somehow never witness their children writing or drawing, unless they're doing a very short homework worksheet. DS1 and I both have problems with bendy fingertips, so we both suffer from pretty rapid handwriting fatigue, for want of a better term. I didn't appreciate the exact nature of DS1's problems until a private OT witnessed them and pinpointed the exact reason for his inconsistent handwriting, last year, but, despite the fact that he doesn't even do homework, I've had plenty of opportunities to sit with him and work with him on spacing, accuracy, not rushing etc.

I don't think there's a name for the way I hold my pen, btw. Left handed with bendy fingertips and an arthritic thumb, prone to dislocate, it's as little as possible and most definitely bears no resemblance to a tripod grip.

[kali110]

When you ask people for opinions they aren't always going to agree with you. You've had some harsh responses because some of your posts have been awful, even when some people have given you good advice.

[AllAboveBroad]

I'm frustrated that the OP has continued to post unpleasantness directly at posters and remains undeleted. A thoroughly unpleasant post and I don't agree that the OP was viciously, personally attacked. The OP has however continued to do that now over two days to various posters, myself included. My first post to the OP was, I thought, helpful and informative. My only comment that she seemed to disagree with was that "the blame shouldn't be laid solely with the school." In no way did I blame the OP, call her names or say she was a "twatty parent". Yet my comment got deleted and I was called a smug cow.
This is a perpetual circular argument on the internet; everyone has the right to post what they like and everyone has the right to be offended.
The OP received comments which were fair, if blunt.
The OP chose to launch hostile, personal attacks on anyone not prepared to agree wholeheartedly with her, whatever the nature of their posts.
Sorry to those that disagree but the OP is the reason I am an infrequent poster nowadays on AIBU. It seems everyone is an easy target.
OP I hope you take some of the excellent advice upthread on board and that your other problems, and your son's handwriting, do improve. It must be incredibly frustrating not to have the level of support you clearly need.

[LemonSquares]

thetoysarealiveitellthee my Ds at 5 was the same - doing better at 7 yr 2 - better teachers have helped.

I couldn't address everything at once - so reading, then maths, currently spelling then handwriting is on-going.


It's bloody hard to fit it all in - get past the tantrums and I don't wants and it's too hard - get extra work done - routines, bribery threats are all still used. I have two other DC who also need help in certain areas as well as all the school set homework. It does many times feel like work for them dominates our time together.

They are at a good school - with enthusiastic caring teachers but still there are still issues. DD1 especially seem to be following my pattern of dyslexia - each teacher knows something is off but can't get extra help as she doesn't struggle enough or the help given not being very helpful.

I've found MN to be a valuable source of info - so many teachers and parents willing to give advice based on their experience. So don't be put off - the primary section and SEN sections are very useful.

I've found this thread very useful - like OP I've tried to tackle handwriting before.

I've spent some money at Amazon – fair bit - thanks to this thread and I'll have another go - all three DC have differing issues with handwriting. That and spelling is definitely putting DS of writing and while all three are learning to type – their idea – it still needs tackling again.

Obviously I’ve spoken to their teacher numerous times – but they have other areas of concern for eldest and younger two are getting some limited help - schools emphasis on handwriting as improved last few years as they got slatted by Ofsted for it and have made huge strides to improve this area.

Still I'm not surpirsed OP Ds got to 11 with handwriting still being an issue.

[Migsy1]

It is definitely not a teacher's job to show your child how to write!

Really?

Anyway, the teachers at my primary school persistently tried to get me to hold my pencil differently, i.e., "the proper way". They failed. I will hold my pen the way I want to! :)

Who gives a stuff about handwriting anyway? We have computers these days.

[DaVinciNight]

Who gives a stuff about handwriting anyway? We have computers these days

Well I, for one, is using hand writing for my work a lot. When I see my clients, all the notes are handwritten and keep on paper for legal reasons. Having the sort of information I have on a computer is regulated and would mean specific system ion place. It's just easier to use paper!

Then you have the issue of studying. I've done a Master degree 3 years ago and all the exams were hand written. I am planning to do another 2 years soon and all the exams will again be hand written. If your writing is so poor people can't read you, yes it is a problem. If your writing is too slow, again it's an issue.

So actually, at the moment, there are still quite a lot of situations where you do need to be able to write....

[HayDayQueen]

Who gives a stuff about handwriting anyway? We have computers these days.

Oh I don't know, maybe the examiners who actually need to READ the papers?!

What a silly comment. There are LOTS of situations where you need decent, legible handwriting.

[BellaOfTheBalls]

Sensing I hope you're still reading this thread.

I had dreadful pencil grip and in fact I still do. I remember being constantly given triangular pencil grips in year 4, but they didn't work. Basically I balance my pen/pencil on the third finger of my right hand, not the second and this has continued all my life. Being forced to write in this way, and to write in cursive meant my handwriting was an absolute shambles, and continued to be so until I was 12/13. At that point I realised that secondary school didn't really care how I wrote as long as it was tidy so I modified my handwriting into something I found easier. Since then I've not had the same problems. I don't recall them doing much about it in school but I do remember really struggling with it. I think part of the reason that nothing was done was because it didn't appear to be affecting me academically; I achieved good grades but was consistently reminded about presentation. My mum sat with me to do homework, had seen my handwriting etc but had been assured by the school they were working on it.

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

The OP chose to launch hostile, personal attacks on anyone not prepared to agree wholeheartedly with her, whatever the nature of their posts


well many more disagree with you there and feel for the op and feel she was attacked.

[TwinkleTwinkleStarlight]

I wouldn't say many more.

The OP said some pretty vile things too.(For which there has been no ackowledgement)

Name calling on both sides is wrong.

[Retropear]

Those of you now doing handwriting at home do check that you are forming the letters correctly and following the same style school use.We used to send sheets with arrows home so parents could see how letters should be formed.Most schools will have something for you to use as reference.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

Oh FFS, yes some people did give very harsh replies (not acceptable!) but OP bit back by breaking the rules and using disablist language. Neither are very nice, so I wish people would stop justifying her disgusting response.

[AllAboveBroad]

I'm not sure anyone would disagree that the OP made personal attacks. It's the justification for them people are debating.
I appreciate that name calling on both sides was wrong. But as I wasn't a name caller and wasn't rude I resent being told I'm a smug cow along with everyone else.

[LemonSquares]

Retropear good advice.

My DC school don't allow looped up fjygp in joined up writing.

That really confused us as it's very different to how we- adults in our family- write without thinking.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Bella difficult to tell without seeing but that sounds like a quadrupod grip. It's a completely acceptable alternative to the tripod grip. There's no need whatsoever to correct qadrupod to a tripod unless you wish to cause a lot of problems. It won't have any affect on your handwriting or ability to write for long periods of times.

IME children without other problems will naturally fall into one or the other once their fine motor skills are developed enough. Whichever they choose is the one you should encourage.

[intheenddotcom]

Schools allow children to use the grip they prefer. Did you not realise his grip was wrong?

[CSIJanner]

Right - I'll easily admit I haven't read all the thread, but here's what I was told for my DC1 when working on handwriting in reception.

Get your DC to hold their pen and write. Then scrunch up a tissue and get them to hold it in the palm of their hands using only the last two fingers (ring and baby). This leaves the tripod fingers free to hold the pencil. Slowly work on writing using this method - it will feel unnatural at first but once it stops feeling so wrong, you can try without the tissue.

Also, you can buy specific handwriting teaching pencils like stabilo pencils which actually have the notches in to help. You need to check whether your buying left or right handed pencils.

DC1's school also sent home papers showing how they should be writing cursively. They even sold thick cardboard as a whiteboard however the downloaded cursive sheet and scrunched up paper should help rather than shelling out.

[WhenASuitcaseJustWontDo]

I haven't read the whole thread so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned already...give your child a folded up tissue. Ask them to hold it under their third and little finger. Their thumb and first two fingers should be free, to automatically pick up a pencil the 'correct' way! I've only just learnt this, so haven't had the opportunity to try it out yet, but worth a shot,OP.