AIBU to not want to fork out potentially £30 for a baby shower?

[OldMisery]

A friend is moving abroad soon and is pregnant so we thought we could throw her a goodbye/baby shower before she goes. Its not her first but her 4th DC so its not a PFB case.

I don't mind baby showers so the thread isn't about that (I know many on here do hate them though). I am however miffed at the amount it is looking to cost. One person is getting all the bits together, as its at her house. Normally we all bring something each (which means I can keep my costs down as I don't go OTT with food like everyone else does and there is always far too much left) but this time the host is buying everything (or already has actually) and is asking that we all chip in. No budget has been mentioned. Everyone else seems happy but I am not thrilled. I don't like the food (its a certain theme that I am not keen on, therefore will not eat) and its a very expensive month for me, many birthdays, car needs fixing, holiday in 4 weeks etc. I am on a limited income.

She has spent £30 on the cake alone! Then got games stuff, other food and no doubt will pick up more (she doesn't keep track of her spending then moans she is skint). I have calculated that so far we are looking at over £80, if not more. There are not that many of us going so there are few of us to soak up the costs.

Then there is the presents we will need to get. I will need to spend a tenner on that which is why I have calculated it ending up being about £30 in total when you add the present on top of the food and other stuff. I really can't afford it at the moment, but they won't exactly understand (they know I have savings as I came into a bit of money recently but this is earmarked for something more important and I don't want to dip in and out of it for other things either).

AIBU? I suppose I have to suck it up but I actually don't think I will even have the money in time anyway. If I don't go I don't think I will get chance to see my friend before she goes so this is a last chance thing really. It often seems to be me that has an issue with 'chipping in' all the time. People go ahead and spend, then its a case of "oh look we should all chip in" and you can't exactly be the only one to turn around and say that you don't want to.

I have been stung by this kind of thing heaps of times before. Probably everyone is thinking the same as you. If I was you I would make an excuse as to why you can't go and then forget about it.

Send a present when the baby is born and forget about the rest of it. And don't over apologise.

It's probably best not to jointly decide to throw a baby shower if you can't afford to pay your share.

It isn't just a Baby Shower, it's also a going away party.

There would be expense if Shecwasnt pregnant, because a meal and drinks/show might be involved.

You will get differing replies, some on MN are very insular.

I don't understand why posters are not grateful to have friends to do things with.

This is something I would budget for. Many women look back and wonder were there friendships went, but they take effort.

Why do you need to buy presents? How is she shipping her stuff abroad, she will be massively clearing out surely?

If anything a small amount from all on a gift card that can be used from were she is moving to, so combined, it's a present, but she doesn't need a present.

This get together isn't just got her, it's for all of you, if you don't want these, then think about if you want this circle if friends.

as someone who has recently not been asked and assumed I will 'chip in' 270 quid for a hen do you have my sympathies. I think it's time people like us made a stand. Times are hard for a lot of people at the moment, I for one lie awake at night worry myself stupid about how will afford petrol and food, then a 'by the way you all owe me 270 quid for thing I organised that I told you was going to cost 150 quid email drops into my inbox' it's wrong of others to assume other people will just chip in. (I felt like replying with a link to the debt thread, with a 'see? I'm having to flog my possessions on ebay to afford this you insensitive cow')

I am cheering you from the sidelines whilst being too chicken to do so myself

Actually minus the presents, you are probably looking at £15-20 for a good night out/in.

But it could be less, discuss costs now.

*I don't understand why posters are not grateful to have friends to do things with.

This is something I would budget for. Many women look back and wonder were there friendships went, but they take effort*

^ I have no words about this. If you want friends you must pay for them it seems, money = effort

seems I do have words about that, the ones the immediately followed

Could you offer the host 10 and tell her you won't be eating much/anything and buy a 5 present. Or give a nice photo of you and your friend instead of a baby gift?

To answer a few things.

I am not jointly throwing this. It would have gone ahead anyway. And as I said we usually all bring something, it would not have amounted to this much had we been doing what we usually do.

It would have been just a baby shower even if she wasn't going away, this has just been factored in as another reason to have it.

Being grateful at having friends has nothing to do with this. Odd reply.

Budgeting for it would be a great idea. I budget everything and the next 6 weeks worth of money is already gone in the things mentioned in the OP. I account for every penny that comes in and goes out so I can't magic up another £30.

I think a gift card or something would be a better idea but everyone else has decided that she should have baby things to open (which obviously she will take with her) so that is what is happening.

calculators that's outrageous! In that situation I would definitely say no, after laughing my head off at the amount we were expected to pay. As mine isn't such a huge amount, I don't feel I can bring it up, but when you are on a budget with an expensive couple of months, I can't magic up more money.

chicken I never thought of that! As I don't eat the 'theme' food, there is no reason for me to pay for it really. I will eat before I go because of this.

Not sure if she would appreciate a non baby related present. Its a big deal to her and I am fairly sure she wants baby presents.

Calculator, so having friends is just about leaving your back door open and having cups of tea, for women.

Women generally have less lesuire time and allow themselves disposable income, when compared to men.

The OP's friend is leaving the country, by most peoples standards, that warrants a do of some sort. The amount quoted isn't a lot for a good night with friends.

Especially when compared to make spending.

I sometimes think it is about how we, as women think about these things.

Are these actual friends, or were they pregnant at the same time, is the first question.

Friendships do require some effort, evenings away from the kids, with friends, are going to have some expenditure involved.

I'm 46, it's a thing I hear from many women once they have children, that they wish they had of valued female friendships more.

I'd usually agree that £30 is too much. But in this case your friend is moving abroad so I think that it's a bit different. But if you can't afford it then it's a bit remiss of them just to go ahead and assume you will pay up.

Could you and one of the other friends go halves on a 12 present or just but some thing cute for 5? I think you will have to pay out for the shower but you may be able to trim some money of.

Birdsgottafly

My apologies, I was harsh.

I agree with you that it's a good thing to make effort to keep in touch with friends. The problem I have that OP has identified in her post is that some people seem to take an agreement to a do of some kind as a licence to spend other people's money. In OPs example the cost has risen to 30 and is set to rise because her friend isn't good at budgeting. This is the same situation I had recently when I'd budgeted 150 for a hen weekend away then when it came to it to totalled 270 because the organiser kept adding extras assuming it would be ok. Costs are relative, right now I can't afford an additional 120 and OP may not be able to afford 30 (because of the addional hen money, if a friend of mine emigrated tomorrow I couldn't find 30 without robbing a bank). It's nice that a friend wants to give a friend a nice send off but they need to keep in mind that it's not just their money they are spending and it can put others in a very stressful position of not wanting to let their friends down but at the same point in time feeling sick to their stomach wondering where the money is going to come from.

Calculators I think you should pay the agreed £150 and tell the organiser something polite to indicate that is all she is getting.

Misery For the baby shower I think not chipping in for food you cant eat is fair.

Not everyone understands that we don't all have a bottomless purse but they do need to learn to stick to a budget and consider the less well off.

calculators you have got it in one!!

Recently we had a get together with all the families because it had been a while since we saw each other. The person whose house we met at done loads of different things and turned it into a party. Someone else found out how much she spent, then we were all expected to chip in because x had spent x amount. No one asked her to, it wasn't expected and it was really unnecessary (there was even pass the fecking parcel ). Lately I have noticed that every gathering is turning into a party in which someone spends money without consulting then we are all expected to pay towards it. No one else seems to have a problem with it. But when I am going to a house, I often don't bother to take my purse as I am not planning on spending money, it is embarrassing to be asked foo money that I don't have.

When we all meet up, even something simple like the park, everyone has been to the shop and bought loads of food to share. We don't tend to eat between meals so it doesn't occur to me to have to cart around loads of food to feed loads of people and again I look like the bad one for not bringing stuff.

I think the move abroad is temporary so its not like we are never going to see her again. That has just been thrown in with the already planned baby shower. The cost would have been the same if she wasn't moving away so I am not really factoring that in to it, but I am struggling to say no to going when I know I won't see her for a while.

I agree that friendships do require effort. I don't think that they need to require money on every single meet up, however small the cost, it adds up. They all work and earn money and can do that. I can't so it is different. We don't tend to see so much of each other these days, hence everything turning into a bloody party!

I think that it should work one of two ways: either you are co-hosting, and you and the other co-hosts set the maximum budget, or you are not. If not, the host can ask you for any contribution she wants but has to be prepared for you to decline if it's too expensive.

This business of spending someone else's money and then 'billing' them is not on.

It seems that your problem, OP, is that you and your friends weren't on the same page about this from the beginning.

this time the host is buying everything (or already has actually) and is asking that we all chip in. No budget has been mentioned. Everyone else seems happy but I am not thrilled.

No, it should never have been allowed to develop into this. You can't give someone else carte blanche to spend your money, unless you have very similar ideas to them (and you obviously don't). And I bet you there are other attendees who'll be expected to chip in who are feeling the same way, but nobody wants to look like the scrooge by bringing it up.

Why didn't you speak up and veto the idea that the host does the shopping and you all chip in? Or specify an amount you could afford?

If it were me id have set a budget at the outset.

If they went ahead without your agreement then that's quite another thing though.

She has gone ahead and got the stuff without agreements from everyone. I think 2 other people said they would chip in. No actual costs were mention. The theme was discussed and agreed, again between the same 3. Now the host has informed us what she has so far and how much it has cost. She tends to try and take control of most situations so this is fairly typical.

I would have said in the beginning about a budget, but I found out most of this after it was agreed/done and as we haven't seen each other in a while, it has all been done via messages.

X posted there OP. God i hate it when every get together turns into some sort of event! Just come round for a cuppa, no cake is required, or nibbles, or alcohol etc etc. I invited you round for tea, you might get a biscuit but i don't expect you to pay for it in kind!

How many are going?

I'm torn. £30 isn't much if you do have the money and for a good friend's going away party I wouldn't think twice about dipping in to savings. That said, I know when people are skint then it could be £30 or £300 but regardless, it's not there to give.

As you can access the money, I think yabu, if she's a good friend.

I think actually, you've messed up here, you assumed it would come in at around £10 each, that's really not much for a party. Before agreeing to help fund it, if you are on a limited budget, then you needed to say at the time that you would like ot keep it to £10 a head. As others have said, £30 a head for a night out doesn't sound much, it is comparable to say, having dinner at zizzis or another cheaper chain restaurant.

If you were thinking more 'bargain evening' then you should have said so at the point you were agreeing to share costs. Or if you wanted to only throw in a tenner say "I'll throw a tenner towards costs or bring something, let me know."

If you are not going to be able to spend more than £10, then you should contact the one organising it now and say that you are a bit skint this month and cant afford to spend more than £10 on this, can you offer that now. If she's been spending all over the place wihtout checking other people can afford t share the costs, then if she's out of pocket, tough lesson learned. But if you are agreeing to something, esp as you know the organiser is a bit of a spender, you really need to clarify your position up front, not stand back, refuse to discuss money and then struggle.

I think being the organizer can be pretty hard lots of the time. It's hard pleasing everyone and at the end of the day you can keep sending messages to people but that can just go on and on and you need to wrap it up and make decisions. I've just organized a limo for a prom. Complete nightmare, people wanting this car or that car for like 50p. Whenever vie organized I have ended up out of pocket and at the same time there is probably a guest who thinks they have been ripped of.

If you'd done a meal out and collection, the meal would probably come to £20 incl drinks, and I always used to put £10 in a collection. So similar amounts of money.