to think that if you cook your dp should was up

[newcastlebelle1]

I am a sahm and I am becoming increasingly pissed off with being treated like a housewodk fairy. Saturday night we get a takeaway and I wash up. (fair enough). The next night I cook and than put dd3 to bed and go to bed straight after. I come dosn this morning to the kitchen as I left it.
Aibu to think we should get equal time awzy from chores at tne weekend.

From almost the first night after moving in together we decided that I cook and DP washes up.
This works well unless he wants peas for dinner

I've always thought the fairest way was to take it in turns to cook AND wash up on the same day, alternating days.

(that's not how we do it btw - i do the cooking and clearing up every single day for ever and ever till i die)

My reasoning for thinking if you cook YOU wash up is this (there is logic i promise): There is no incentive to not use every frigging pot in the kitchen if someone else is clearing away.

My mum is a particular bugger for this. A normal midweek meal will have debris of 4/5 pans, 2 roasting tins, 4 serving dishes, 6 wooden spoons and 3 colanders.

So i have decided it would be fairer if you take it in turns to cook and each wash up your own mess. HTH

I am a messy cook. If DH cooks (happens rarely) he washes up as he goes all super efficient. So he bitches about washing up all my mess, or does some passive aggressive sighing and throwing everything in the sink to "soak", whilst muttering about what a hard day he's had.

Just because you're a sahm doesn't mean that on the weekends you should still be doing everything. If you're both home you should both muck in.

If you cook, your DH should wash up and vica versa. Why is he not doing bedtimes? Does he do them during the week? If not, he should be doing them at a weekend.

Have you actually spoken to him about it?

If I cook, my DP washes up because I've done the cooking. If he cooks, he then washes up because he's made the mess. That seems fair to me.

It was different in my house because no matter how many house or how stressy it was as a SAHM, my DH's day was worse.

Now, when I cook I clear up the kitchen and do the dishwasher, when he cooks he does the same. It means we get a complete night off.

I think couple need to consider the time the person in paid work is out of the house and the intensity if their day compared to that if the SAHP. what's fair and who does what should be based on that.

He has never been involved in bedtime for dc3 who is ebf. He did help with the 1st 2 but has never done bathtime.
I get the feeling he thinks I have an easier time (sit on arse) whilst he is hard at work so he likes to relax in the evenings and tbh for the bulk of the weekend. Bar gardening and cooking the occasional meal.

I cook pretty much every evening, as I get in from work first.

Dh always tidies the kitchen after, loads dishwasher, etc and also makes a cup of tea for us all as he does it.

Divisions of labour and specialisation works well here.

That's how I see it Joysmum - the way I see it is I've got a full time job caring for our children, home and garden, DH has a full time job outside the house.

I wouldn't go to his workplace and start doing his job so he could have a sit down and so I don't expect him to do so for me. I do wish he'd help though, not so much in keeping everywhere tidy and clean but not making it messy and dirty, it's really annoying!

At weekends chores should be evenly split. Also it's important not to de- skill men by doing everything for them. Cooking/cleaning etc is a basic but essential life skill for both men and women

We have a dishwasher but I absolutely hate washing pans etc, so although I cook 90% of the time, he still washes up even when he cooks.

DH does about 70% of weekend chores. I get a lot of my free/leisure time then and he says it's time for me to have a break . We never have arguments about housework at all, probably because we have similar levels of tolerance (quite high!) for slovenliness.

Even if your DH works weekends?

People forget that not everyone has a 9-5 Monday to Friday job.

Why, that's an interesting view point

The way I see it is that we are a team and support each other and try to be flexible considering each others needs. I might make everyone's lunches including DH's or wash everyone's clothes including DH's while DH might do occasional bedtime or cook on a Friday. We essentially try and ensure we have the same amount of free time over the course of the week. Also it's pretty essential for DH to know how to cook and the basics of how to run the house in case I'm ever ill. We want to be a good example to our kids too.

Obviously if your DH works weekends it will be different! The days he isn't working he is perfectly able to share chores

YABU Whoever cooks should do the washing up. I say this because I'm a clean as you go person. So when the meal is over it's just a case of dealing with the last few items. DH on the other hand is a 'create as much mess as you possibly can and use every pan and utensil available' kind of person. There's no way I'm cleaning up after he's done dinner.

Not in this house, a such as possible goes in the dishwasher. Rest i do or dh does at weekend. Im at sahm, dh works long hours, wr have 4 dcs.

I wash up as I go along. And as I usually have my dinner with DD around 5, and DH has his heated up later when he gets home, I've done all the dishes anyway.

At night I wash any remaining dishes from drinks etc and bleach and clean the kitchen. But I'm odd and like knowing it's done properly

I don't think it matters who does what as long as both of you do your share.

If he isn't doing enough to help, you need to talk to him and ask him to do specific things. "Can you wash up please?"

I enjoy cooking and hate clearing up so I'd be cross if I always had to wash up and not cook, plus I don't like having my meals done for me all the time..

However. ..I'm not yet a mum but I am a wife and if I was a sahm and my husband was happy for me to cook each night I would also assume I'd do most of the washing up. purely because I'm spending more time in the house, not because of some stepford wife issue

The good thing about MN is that when I first joined it years ago, I realised how fuckng lazy my dp was and I just naturally swallowed it.

We both worked at the time and I had raised dd1 by myself so just continued to look after my man child as well. His mother had pandered to every need and I basically picked up where she left it -with out realising.

Now after being MN-ed, I don't stand for it because I'm no ones lackey.

I only work 1.5 days a week, so don't mind doing the lions share, dp works long hours but I still ask tell him to do stuff. He won't do it off his own back but when asked he doesn't mind.

Regarding washing the pots , we take turns, even though I cook Mon-fri. Come weekend I don't do any cooking and the rule of thumb is if he cooks and fucks the kitchen up (and he will do) he has to clean it all before I see it and have a breakdown

clue you might have a different opinion on that when you have been frazzled all day looking after dc and dh is sat on his arse watching telly while you sweating over a pile of dirty plates!

I manage to get the housework (to our very low standard), and cooking etc done in the hours that DH is out of the house mon-fri (8-7). We do very little in chores at the weekend. Apart from cooking - which is also minimal - a slow cooker 1 pot thing on a Sat and a Bung it all in roast on a Sunday. So we spend our weekends going out and about.

However, if i couldn't then i'd expect DH to do something. (or we'd probably hire a cleaner - i know we are lucky as that isn't an option for most - altho often i find tidying for their arrival is more work than doing it all myself)

YANBU. I do the cooking, I expect DP to clear away and load the dishwasher.

He does generally do this, but has lower standards than me, which often mean he'll clear everything away but one or two items _ e.g. ketchup bottle left on table, one dirty pot on worktop. This drives me MENTAL. I told him it irritated the hell out of me, and to be fair now he does clear EVERYTHING away more consistently.

I have realised I have a DP who will do most jobs uncomplainingly if I ask him to (except make the bed, that's a whole other story) but he does have to be asked and prodded. I wish he would take more initiative, but it's just who he is. When he lived alone he'd quite happily leave things in a mess, or not eat until 11pm because he couldn't be bothered to stop what he was doing to make himself dinner...

It depends. YANBU for your situation.

I cook and wash-up during the week. DP works long, physical hours. I think it helps that he nearly always offers, but I'd rather let him unwind and wash up myself (often the next morning) than sit while he's up and about - we don't yet have dcs, so that's a major difference, some of the dynamic will certainly shift when we do.

Have you talked to him?

Clue, its really exhausting looking after kids. It's not the easy option especially when you have a few