AIBU to ask for your most entertaining anti swears?

[everythinghippie29]

My DS is 6 months now and I'm becoming more aware that I have a limited time to curb my, er, colourful vernacular.

My problem is I feel quite sad having to give up a good swear. I'm very partial to a well timed 'ass-hat, cockwomble or fucknugget'...

What are you favourite child friendly swears that are creative, funny and enjoyable to say?

Or am I being entirely unreasonable and do I need to let any form of curse go the way of all less savoury pre child antics?

Arsenal wenger!

Any good philosopher, "Oh, Fukuyama, you Foucault Kant" is my personal favorite.

Also, idiot-hole, care of Adam and Joe.

Oh door locks!! = Oh bollocks!!

Buttmunch is a favourite of mine, but generally speaking we are very, very potty mouthed in this house (we don't have kids), so we swear a lot.

Vaffanculo (fuck you in Italian) is another well used, innocent-unless-you-are-in-public than rolls of the tongue nicely.

DP (who almost never swears anyway) and I like to reference swearing but elaborately avoid using the word itself. Example:

"they singularly fail to meet your expectations at the drive-thru".

And that in turn develops its own shorthand and references...

But quickie things (stubbed to, for instance), it's usually "bo-LEX!"

Twonk

Four foot snakes is a good substitution for "for fucks sake".

For.....ur fOOT SNAKES!

Crabapples is good for when you would normally shout "crap!"

Ballpit is a suitable alternative to bullshit.

When I am in adult company I sometimes say "effing" instead of "fucking" because they know what I mean but no children will overhear an actual swearword. I use that on social media a lot, as I don't like to see the word fucking written down (having just done it!). It looks a bit crass, though I'm no prude. Hell, I'm Australian! Jeffing and hecking and chuffing also work well in that context.

That effing woman just told me to take my shoes off in the soft play, four foot snakes, what a chuffing load of ballpit. Etc.

I have teens here and gave up trying to hide it a while ago and just go for a nice straightforward dickhead. Its actually quite nice to get back to just saying it.

DS1 learned that there was an animal called a Cuscus.

It is quite a satisfying alternative to swearing

I will be hitting the same dilemma soon. Some favorite gems from my parents growing up:

"Son of a biscuit!"
"God bless America!" or in UK it could be "God save the queen!"

Other funny ones friends use:
Flip/flipping - fuck/fucking
Mis Ojos! (Mees oh hoes) Spanish for "My eyes!"

And.. the prize goes to my grammy who used to pull this out when she was angry:

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!"

My dad always knew to run when the holy family came out.

Pants
Spanner
Biscuits
Fish sticks
Sugar...

Wish the OH could learn not to swear! DS just tells him off now

Flipping heck
sugar
prat
for crying out loud
dork
shizerkopf (sp?)

Oh sugar, instead of shit here too. Also plonker, wally, wombat instead of calling someone a prick, dick or similar.

Fuddling thundering piggin bird peckers.

Knickers is a popular alternative in our house, DS loves it!!
my DM taught DS to say balderdash and piffle, which is good, and DS also used to enjoy shouting BUG IT when he was little, which has been adopted by the family!

My DH says Shostakovitch instead of swearing in front of our 22 month old.
I am a musician by career.
This could get interesting.

My favourite is from Blackadder II

"The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's Satanic herd!!!"

Frank from EastEnders used to have a good line in personal insults. I sometimes call someone a pilchard in his memory.

"You SPANNER" is also good. As is "you tool", if you feel like being slightly less specific.

I've got a potty mouth but manage to restrain myself around the kids. A few years ago a friend said she repurposed "clown" to mean the c-word and I have to admit I get secret smug satisfaction when using it.

When the BBC showed Beverly Hills Cop before the watershed they had to cut out the audio where Eddie Murphy says "motherfucker". They replaced it by an actor saying something that fitted in with how Murhpy's lips were moving. "Motherfucker" became "melon farmer"

"For crying out loud" apparently is code for "Mum's upset....run for cover!"
at least according to my ds.

Fracking... frickington ...frocker.. freck!

What I said as someone nearly broadsided me on a roundabout earlier as he ploughed through at speed without seeing i was already in front of him, and then had the audacity to beep at me!

Shizzle is my fav for shit.

Now I need one for fuck, fucker, wanker, prick - oh you get the idea

Oh sugar plum fairy!